Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week 3 Thoughts

Some quick hit observations from the college gridiron . . .

The 11th Commandment

Baylor is threatening lawsuits to hold up Texas A&M’s trip to the SEC and Oklahoma’s trip west to the PAC-12. Can’t say I blame them—if the Big 12 collapses, the Bears go from sucking on a BCS conference teat to scheduling conference games with North Texas or Rice. The only reason they’re in this position today is because former Texas governor Anne Richards was a Baylor grad and refused to sign the legislation allowing the Big 12 to be formed unless Baylor got in on the deal. Still, it seems a little shady for a Baptist school to be engaging in this kind behavior. Too bad “Thou shalt not extort thy fellow conference members” isn’t in the Bible somewhere.

“Um, God? I think I’m missing the sports section.”

What Not to Wear

What have we learned about uniforms in the first two weeks? If they involve the words “throwback” or “retro”, your team will probably look pretty sharp (e.g. Michigan vs. Notre Dame). If they use the words “futuristic” or “Nike Pro Combat,” they’ll either suck beyond words (Boise State vs. Georgia) or they’ll look like something the cast at Medieval Times should be wearing (Maryland).

The funniest thing is that, 40 years from now, Maryland will pull these back out as throwbacks.

Stat Line of the Year

In their 44-0 loss at Michigan State this week, Florida Atlantic netted just 48 yards total offense. The Owls were 0-for-10 on 3rd down conversions and netted just one first down—for the game. FAU coach Howard Schnellenberger has already announced his retirement and apparently the “short timer” work ethic has worked its magic on the offense.

“Listen, boys. Happy Hour down at Rooster’s starts in 20 minutes. So let’s not drag this one out, OK?”

Somebody Has to Start, Right?

For much of the last year, Texas fans had to be wondering just how bad did Garrett Gilbert have to be before coach Mack Brown would pull the plug. On Saturday, we apparently got an answer: 2-of-8 for eight yards, three three-and-outs and two interceptions in five possessions bad. (For you math geeks, that’s a pass efficiency rating of negative-16.6.) Brown has now announced that Case McCoy and David Ash will split snaps this week. In other words, Texas gone from one quarterback controversy to another (although most UT fans are clamoring for McCoy-to-Shipley v. 2.0) and Gilbert has gone from 13-game starter to 3rd string.

You don’t have to be a genius to have the same reaction to Gilbert’s numbers.

This Week in True Crime

A college football player gets a public intox or disturbing the peace ticket? No one bats an eyelash. He gets a DUI or gets caught shoplifting? Makes page 7 of the sports section and he has to run a few extra wind sprints? Commit an assault, embezzlement
or other felony? OK, now you’re talking suspensions. But Fresno State coach Pat Hill is now facing a new dilemma in college athletics: what exactly do you do with the two dozen football players currently under
investigation for welfare fraud?

Welfare fraud affects us all.

This Will be on the Blooper Reel with the DVD Extras

SMU is already actively lobbying to take Texas A&M’s spot in a new Big 12. I’m guessing the Mustangs’ onside kick attempt against the Aggies in week one won’t be making the highlight tape they send to Commissioner Dan Beebe.

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