The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week 3 Thoughts

Some quick hit observations from the college gridiron . . .

The 11^th Commandment

Baylor is threatening lawsuits to hold up Texas A&M’s trip to the SEC and Oklahoma’s trip west to the PAC-12. Can’t say I blame them—if the Big 12 collapses, the Bears go from sucking on a BCS conference teat to scheduling conference games with North Texas or Rice. The only reason they’re in this position today is because former Texas governor Anne Richards was a Baylor grad and refused to sign the legislation allowing the Big 12 to be formed unless Baylor got in on the deal. Still, it seems a little shady for a Baptist school to be engaging in this kind behavior. Too bad “Thou shalt not extort thy fellow conference members” isn’t in the Bible somewhere.

“Um, God? I think I’m missing the sports section.”

What Not to Wear

What have we learned about uniforms in the first two weeks? If they involve the words “throwback” or “retro”, your team will probably look pretty sharp (e.g. Michigan vs. Notre Dame). If they use the words “futuristic” or “Nike Pro Combat,” they’ll either suck beyond words (Boise State vs. Georgia) or they’ll look like something the cast at Medieval Times should be wearing (Maryland).



The funniest thing is that, 40 years from now, Maryland will pull these back out as throwbacks.



Stat Line of the Year

In their 44-0 loss at Michigan State this week, Florida Atlantic netted just 48 yards total offense. The Owls were 0-for-10 on 3^rd down conversions and netted just one first down—for the game. FAU coach Howard Schnellenberger has already announced his retirement and apparently the “short timer” work ethic has worked its magic on the offense.

“Listen, boys. Happy Hour down at Rooster’s starts in 20 minutes. So let’s not drag this one out, OK?”



Somebody Has to Start, Right?

For much of the last year, Texas fans had to be wondering just how bad did Garrett Gilbert have to be before coach Mack Brown would pull the plug. On Saturday, we apparently got an answer: 2-of-8 for eight yards, three three-and-outs and two interceptions in five possessions bad. (For you math geeks, that’s a pass efficiency rating of negative-16.6.) Brown has now announced that Case McCoy and David Ash will split snaps this week. In other words, Texas gone from one quarterback controversy to another (although most UT fans are clamoring for McCoy-to-Shipley v. 2.0) and Gilbert has gone from 13-game starter to 3^rd string.

You don’t have to be a genius to have the same reaction to Gilbert’s numbers.

This Week in True Crime

A college football player gets a public intox or disturbing the peace ticket? No one bats an eyelash. He gets a DUI or gets caught shoplifting? Makes page 7 of the sports section and he has to run a few extra wind sprints? Commit an assault, embezzlement
or other felony? OK, now you’re talking suspensions. But Fresno State coach Pat Hill is now facing a new dilemma in college athletics: what exactly do you do with the two dozen football players currently under investigation for welfare fraud?

Welfare fraud affects us all.

This Will be on the Blooper Reel with the DVD Extras

SMU is already actively lobbying to take Texas A&M’s spot in a new Big 12. I’m guessing the Mustangs’ onside kick attempt against the Aggies in week one won’t be making the highlight tape they send to Commissioner Dan Beebe.

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The Cynic's Guide to College Football, Week 3

With only a handful of remotely interesting games last Saturday, we'll keep it short this week. But I'll be participating in what should be an interesting football atmosphere this weekend, so I will have much more fascinating material next week.

Bring Back the Fridge

Last week I wondered which Ralph Friedgen would show up this season: the jolly fat Santa Claus-type one who delivered bowl games for Christmas. Or the new skinny (well, skinnier) version who struggled to beat James Madison in OT. Well, that question may have been answered this week as Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee State--for the second straight year. With upcoming games against Rutgers and Clemson, not to mention November tilts against Virginia Tech and Florida State, the five wins the Terps will need to get bowl eligible are
looking harder and harder to come by.

Bring back the original!

A Sucker for Charity Cases

If Jim Tressel and Bob Stoops get criticized every year with chants of “can’t win the big one,” isn’t it about time that Pete Carroll gets similar criticism for seemingly making an annual choke against a lesser team? Carroll rightfully gets credit as a master motivator for getting his teams up for big games (with a little help from one-trick pony comedians and 1960s songwriters). But his self-help routine apparently falls flat when trying to get his teams up to play the unwashed masses of the Pac-10. Is Washington improved this year under Steve Sarkisian? Undoubtedly. But let’s not forget that the Huskies, prior to last Saturday, hadn’t won a game in 672 days. So it’s not like they suddenly became a top-10 team overnight. A team like USC shouldn’t lose games like this. And yet they seem to do it every year. At some point, blame has to go to the top.

Trick or treat.

Bee-CS Busted

Losing is never easy. Losing to end your 16-game winning streak is bad. Losing to end your winning streak when the other team has four turnovers and their QB goes 4-of-16 with a pick? Well, now that just ain’t fun. But that’s the situation for Utah following their 31-24 loss to Oregon. Between that and Florida State’s beatdown of BYU, the BCS-buster title belt won’t be coming back to the Beehive State (that’s Utah’s nickname--who knew?) this year.

Yes, that’s a beehive under the eagle on their state seal and flag. Now I’m wondering who would win between an eagle and a swarm of angry honeybees. Do you think Spike TV could hook that up for a new episode of “Deadliest Warrior?”

Better luck next week.

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The Cynic’s Guide to College Football: Week Two

With most of the I-AA game silliness behind us, we finally start getting into some interesting games next weekend. We have a couple featuring ranked teams (#14 Georgia Tech at #20 Miami; #19 Nebraska at #13 Virginia Tech) and a couple more conference games with some bad blood to settle (Texas Tech at Texas; Tennessee at Florida). So we're starting to get to the fun part--it's like when you're just reaching the top of the hill on your first roller coaster ride. You are still going slow and not much has happened yet, but you can see over the hill and eagerly anticipate the craziness in front of you. But before we get ahead of ourselves, let's deal with some of last week's debacles.

Maybe He Was Too Hard on Intramurals

Let me be the latest to pile on Colorado's Dan Hawkins for the Buffs 0-2 start. Losing your season opener at home to your in-state rival is bad enough. But going on the road and getting beaten down by a MAC team? Well, that won't do wonders for confidence in your coaching ability. Toledo beat CU 54-38 and, frankly, the game wasn't that close. In CU's first two games, they have been outscored 43-6 in the first halves. Throw in a rough upcoming schedule and, congratulations Coach Hawkins, you're the first contestant on Coach's Hot Seat.

After last season, Coach Hawkins promised "ten wins and no excuses." But between now and the end of October, CU plays Wyoming this Saturday (Buffaloes are favored, but remember Wyoming gave Texas a game for a half last week) before games @ West Virginia, @ Texas, vs. Kansas, @ Kansas State and vs. Missouri. Barring a turnaround of near-biblical proportions, Colorado will be doing well to have two wins by Halloween. Throw in season-ending games @ Oklahoma State and vs. Nebraska, and Colorado looks to be closer to ten losses than wins. While there is some speculation that CU might not be able to afford Hawkins' buyout, don't think CU boosters aren't already crunching the numbers.

Hawkins feeling the burn. And that’s just on his backside.

Christians vs. Lions Was the Undercard

Last Saturday night, some friends who are big Oklahoma Sooners fans got the OU vs. Idaho State game on pay-per-view and invited us over to have a cookout and watch the game. While the game certainly wasn’t much of a draw, it was still fun to hang out with them and let our kids play. While I’m certainly no fan of I-A teams playing I-AA teams, even by those weak standards, this one was completely unforgiveable.

First, let’s be honest here—doesn’t matter what state you live in, your best high school football team right now would be a three touchdown favorite over Idaho State. The Bengals (yes, the Idaho State Bengals—I have no idea why) are that bad. Over the last five years, Idaho State has gone 1-11 (with a season-ending overtime upset of Sacramento State as their only win), 3-8, 2-9, 5-6 and 3-8. So we’re not even dealing with a good I-AA team (a la Appalachian State, Richmond, William & Mary, etc.) who can at least compete on a larger stage. We’re dealing with someone who is lousy, even at the I-AA level. So does their athletic department do something to help, like scheduling a couple of D-II opponents? No. Instead, they offer the poor Bengals up as sacrificial lambs to the likes of Arizona State and Oklahoma. So, through two games, Idaho State has a combined 81 total yards, -27 rushing yards, 7 turnovers, 16 punts and 3
points to show for it. In 30 possessions and 120 minutes of play, they have crossed midfield one time.

While I’m not going to defend ASU and OU for scheduling these games, I’m putting the blame for these games squarely on Idaho State athletic director Jeff Tingey. Sure, you rake in lots of bucks for your athletic department. But at what cost? A downtrodden and demoralized team? No prospect for hope? Idaho State players know their talent levels and don’t hold any illusions about being better than they are. All they want is to play the game the love and have a chance to compete. By scheduling games like these, Idaho State has made that impossible.

But on the plus side, at least the athletic department can see the bright side of things: following the ASU loss, the headline on the school website read, “First Team Defense Hangs Tough in 50-3 Loss to Arizona State.”

“It is all lies. The infidels from Oklahoma can never defeat the mighty Bengals of most glorious Idaho State.”

From Big Winner to The Biggest Loser

Kudos to Maryland head coach Ralph Friedgen for dropping 105+ pounds in the last year. Unfortunately, the Terrapins outlook is season is dropping just as fast. After getting waxed 52-13 at California in Week One, the Terps thought this week’s home game against James Madison would be the cupcake that has been lacking from Friedgen’s diet. Unfortunately, this appetizer was tougher than my grandmother’s meatloaf. Maryland got the win, but only after rallying in the fourth quarter to force overtime and JMU missed an OT field goal. While I don’t know that it’s time for Maryland fans to hit the panic button just yet, another loss in the next couple of weeks and look for UM boosters to start sending truckloads of fried crabcakes to Friedgen’s door in an effort to bring the old coach back.

Terps Fans Will Take Whichever One Gets Them to the Best Bowl

And for my ray of freaking sunshine this week,

Welcome to the Party

Congratulations to Steve Sarkisian on getting not just his first career win as a head coach (42-23 over Idaho), but Washington’s first win since November 17, 2007. Much to the dismay of Seattle police. The Huskies’ 15-game losing streak was tied for the longest in Pac-10 history. We’ll check back Washington State week when the Huskies are going for two.

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Rev Picks 'Em: Week 13

WEST VIRGINIA (-7) at Louisville: Since joining the Big East just a few short years ago, this game has turned into one of the premier rivalries in the conference. Ok, I know it’s Big East football and you could probably care less. But seriously, even though both teams carry less than lackluster records into this matchup, you can bet that this will be a very hard-hitting game. If anything, the post-game shenanigans should be interesting:


By the way, Louisville needs a win against the ‘Eers to reach 6 on the season, and most likely will need a win against Rutgers next week to receive any bowl consideration. My guess? They’ll lose both to finish 5-7. He may be Satan incarnate, but things seemed a whole lot better just two short years ago when Bobby Petrino was at the helm for the ‘Cards …

Tennessee at VANDERBILT(-3): Consider this: It is entirely likely that Tennessee could close out the 2008 season with back-to-back losses to Vandy and Kentucky. In case you’re keeping score at home, that would leave the Vols at 3-9 for the year. Which, speaking of …

Michigan at OHIO STATE (-20 ½): Michigan is DEFINITELY going 3-9. Even Vegas has given the proverbial bitch-slap to Michigan - the Buckeyes are laying 20 ½ points to the Wolverines. By some accounts, that’s the largest spread ever in this rivalry. But hey, if you’re a Michigan fan, don’t dare complain about it: coach Rich Rodriguez thinks you should “get a life”.

NORTH CAROLINA STATE (+11) at North Carolina: Upset alert: I’m calling this game for the Wolfpack. Led by Russell Wilson, one of the best passers in the ACC, NCSU has gotten on a bit of a hot streak of late. Plus, the Wolfpack sport a stellar 3-0 record against in-state opponents, having beaten East Carolina, Duke and Wake Forest. A win vs. the rival Tarheels would do wonders for the folks in Raleigh, and leave them just one win short on the season from bowl eligibility.

Stanford at CALIFORNIA (-9): Stanford hung tough for a half last week vs. USC, but that may be because they are apparently kryptonite to the Trojans. Otherwise, Stanford is just another pedestrian team in the PAC-10. Cal really isn’t that much better, but I’m taking them here since the game’s in Berkeley. Really, this pick ‘em thing isn’t that scientific.

#17 Michigan State (+15 ½) at #7 Penn State: How dreadful can this game shake out for Penn State? Several weeks ago, they were looking at this matchup as their ticket to the national championship game – now they need a win just to keep their spot in the Rose Bowl. I think two touchdowns is too much to spot the Spartans, so I’m going to take the points here, but I still like the Lions to win the game. And for their sake, I hope they do – they’ve had a great season, even though the rest of the Big Ten is atrocious this year.

FLORIDA STATE at #22 Maryland (+1 ½) (as described with by Rusty): Trying to pick the winner of this game is like trying to pick the winner of a butt kicking fight between Rambo and Rocky. Maryland's been a solid football team in College Park this year, having amassed a 6-0 record, but the Terp's face quite the superior opponent this coming Saturday. Florida State has the best offense and defense in the ACC, statistically. Although, they've struggled at times with a two QB system behind a weak offensive line, they are a solid football team and improving. Maryland on the other hand has got one of the best running backs in the leauge with Da'rel Scott (that's not a typo). The Seminoles might look better on paper, but Maryland's on top of the ACC and a win tomorrow followed by a road win against BC next week would send the Terps to Tampa and help cool the embers under the big boy's seat. This all means, this game will come down to heart. Who wants it more. This may give Florida State a slight edge with it's off-the-field story this week. Safety Myron Rolle is being interviewed for a Rhodes scholarship Saturday afternoon before flying to join his team for the 2nd half of the game. The fact that FSU has a positive academic story could do wonders for the team's motivation, or the world could implode because the team known for 5 finger discounts at Dillard's has recruited smart kids. Regardless of the outcome, it'll be a hard fought game in the chilly DC suburbs, but look for a close Seminoles victory.

#16 Brigham Young at #8 UTAH (-7): Utah, the original BCS crashers, would be right back in the major bowl picture with a win against rival BYU. Interestingly, I like that these kinds of rivalry games have kitschy nicknames: For instance, this game is dubbed “the Holy War.” That would probably raise hackles for some reason or another in more politically correct corners of the country, but this is Utah. No one really knows – or for that matter, wants to know - what goes on in Utah, so I guess we can all collectively shrug it off.

#21 Oregon State (+2 ½) at ARIZONA: People are still dogging USC for losing to Oregon State, but consider this: OSU’s tied with the Trojans atop the PAC-10 standings. And if the Beavers win this week and next week against rival Oregon, Oregon State would be the team to get the conference’s spot in the BCS. Of course, you could just as easily consider that last sentence the kiss of death for Oregon State and watch them drop their last two to finish 7-5.

#20 Pittsburgh at #19 CINCINNATI (-6): Needless to say, this is the biggest game in the history of UC Bearcat football. Of course, they don’t have much of a history aside from a crumbling relic of a stadium, but that’s beside the point. A win against Pitt would clinch the Big East conference championship for the Bearcats, not to mention a spot in the school’s first ever BCS bowl game. Cincy’s really no joke – they have 6 starters on D that likely will get drafted, and it doesn’t really matter who they put in at QB (they’ve played 5 QBs on the season), they always get the job done.

Interestingly enough, if you were ever wondering what a “bearcat” is, try this on for size:

"A Bearcat resembles somewhat to a bear in physical appearance, though on closer observation it looks like a small bushy dog. Its average length is about 60-96 cm and weighs around 9-14 kg. It has small round ears and black round eyes. The body of the animal is covered with thick black fur. Its most attractive feature is its long bushy tail, ranging as long as 55-90 cm."

One of life’s great mysteries solved. I’m glad I looked that up.

#2 Texas Tech (+7) at #5 OKLAHOMA: (courtesy of Big XII expert Greg in St. Louis) This week’s Big 12 “Game of the Year” will directly affect the outcome of the Big 12 South, The Heisman Race, and who claims the Big 12’s slot in the National Championship game. Tech has put the points on the board this year, they have a solid O-line, major skill at QB and WR, and their “bend, not break” defense has done the job when called upon. The Sooners are trying to buck their trend of bad play in big games over the past few years and even in the Red River Shootout this year. However, since that loss to Texas they have destroyed their opponents to the tune of 63.3 points per game. One more stat in the Sooners favor, 60-2 at home under Bob Stoops – simply put, you don’t go into Norman and come out victorious. In the case of two hot teams that are evenly matched, go with the home team for sure. Boomer Sooner!

The Cynic's Guide to College Football, Week 8

We're getting close to the scariest time of the year. Around this corner are friendly folks looking to hand you sweets and goodies, just for asking. Around the other, blood-sucking ghouls looking to steal your soul. But then you find out they're the same person! Every one of them hiding their true identities behind a mask, each more frightening and hideous than the last. Yep, it's election time.

(Oh, and Halloween's coming up soon too.)

Boo.

1. I’m The Cynic, and I Approved This Message

This time of year, we always hear a lot of talk about Washington, DC politicians flip-flopping. Well, apparently Potomac Fever has spread outside the Beltway and is infecting neighboring states. Have there been any more split-personality teams this year than Virginia and Maryland? For Virginia, the season started with a blowout loss to USC (no real shame in that) and then a 16-0 shutout over Richmond, putting the Cavs at 1-1, right where most people thought they’d be. But then things got weird—UVA was humiliated 45-10 by UConn and 31-3 by Duke (yes, that Duke). The Cavaliers were 1-3, with their three losses coming by a combined score of 128-20, and the scribes were already writing Al Groh’s obituary. But a funny thing happened on the way to oblivion—UVA started playing football. They destroyed Maryland 31-0, beat East Carolina and, most recently, upset #18 North Carolina in overtime. Suddenly, UVA is sitting pretty at 4-3. Admittedly, their schedule doesn’t do them any favors down the stretch. But as odd as their play has been this year, I don’t want to even try to predict which ones will be wins and losses.

If it’s possible, Maryland has been even more unpredictable this year. The team that struggled to beat Delaware (14-7), lost to Middle Tennessee State and got shut out by Virginia is also the same team that beat #23 California and #20 Clemson and shut out #21 Wake Forest.

With all this flop-flopping going on, I halfway expect to see Al Groh or Ralph Friedgen on the election ballot.

And you thought Dick Cheney was a heart attack risk.

2. Maybe Brett Favre is Tipping Off UW Opponents?

A month ago, Wisconsin fans were celebrating their 3-0 start, talking about how bad they would beat up on the Buckeyes and planning their Rose Bowl trips. But four straight losses—including ones to 2-5 Michigan and a struggling Iowa—now have the Badgers stretching for any bowl. Fortunately, they close out the season on 11/22 with a home game against Cal Poly (now there’s a novel idea—schedule your creampuff game at the end of the season). But they still will need to eke out two wins against Illinois, Michigan State, Indiana or Minnesota. They may get to six wins this year, but that is certainly not what Barry Alvarez or Badger fans had in mind this season.

Save the badgers.

3. What in the Name of Marshall Faulk is Going on Here?

When San Diego State head coach Chuck Long was asked if he felt his job was in jeopardy, he responded, “Our program is not healthy yet, but we do see light at the end of the tunnel with the issues we're dealing with inside (the program).” Coach, a light at the end of the tunnel is not always a good thing. It can be an oncoming train. Or in the case of a “not healthy” program like SDSU, it may well be a near-death experience. When you’re 1-6 this season, 8-23 in your career, your team ranks 100th or worse in 11 different statistical categories and just led your team to their third-worst loss in school history, your coaching tenure is definitely on life support, and it’s only a matter of time until the AD pulls the plug.

Go into the Light, Coach Long. There is peace and serenity in the Light.

4. Some People Call Me The Space Cowboy . . .

I don't really know how to incorporate this into a story, but I thought it was interesting. And made me wonder why I don’t have a cooler nickname. Kentucky’s offensive coordinator (and head coach designate) is named Joker Phillips.

Hold that block, or see me after practice.

5. Who Knew “Malternative” Was a Word?

Bad news for (insert name of your rival school here) fans: MillerCoors announced they have discontinued Zima.

At least the Natty Light supply is safe.

Coaches vs. Cancer

A week ago today, the chief was on Capitol Hill as Coaches vs. Cancer joined "lawmakers, cancer survivors and the American Cancer Society Cancer Action Network on Capitol Hill 'to demand that Congress pass legislation regulating tobacco products and boost the federal investment in cancer research, prevention and early detection programs after five years of flat or cut funding.'"

Here's a shot of 'Cuse's Jim Boeheim, UConn's Jim Calhoun, Alabama's Mark Gottfried, US Senator Ben Cardin of Maryland, Maryland's Gary Williams and Temple's Fran Dunphy.

Coaches vs. Cancer, HHR on the Hill Today

Today, Alabama's Mark Gottfried, Connecticut's Jim Calhoun, Syracuse's Jim Boeheim, Maryland's Gary Williams and Temple's Fran Dunphy "will join with lawmakers, cancer survivors and the American Cancer Society Cancer Action Network on Capitol Hill "to demand that Congress pass legislation regulating tobacco products and boost the federal investment in cancer research, prevention and early detection programs after five years of flat or cut funding," according to a release by the American Cancer Society Cancer Action Network."

As part of Coaches vs. Cancer, the gentlemen will be on the Hill at 8:30 a.m. CT at Russell Senate Park, Swamp Press Area.

the chief will be on hand to gather intel and photographic documentation.