The Cynic's Guide to College Football, Week 11

Well, we're coming into the home stretch. Some teams have their six wins. Some will be home in time for Thanksgiving. The bitching about the bowl system is going full force. Ohio State has punched their ticket for their annual BCS bowl loss. Coaching rumors are swirling. Somehow, inexplicably, Lou Holtz and Mark May still have jobs. (Seriously, do these guys have incriminating photos of the ESPN brass or something? I can't explain it.) At any rate, here's a look back at the week in college football weirdness.

The Great Filling Station Holdup

By now I’m sure you’ve probably heard that three Tennessee football players were arrested for armed robbery last Thursday. There are a lot of angles to go here, so I just ask this: what is the most f’ed up part of this whole situation?

• The robbery took place less than a day after UT head coach Lane Kiffin had been extolling his program’s arrest free record.
• The robbery took place at a convenience store owned by a former UT player and one of the school's bigger athletics donors.
• The victim says he doesn’t want the players to miss any playing time because he’s a Vols fan and, besides, “It's Tennessee. That's the way it is sometimes."
• The getaway car was a Toyota Prius.

America’s first “green certified” stick-up

Win or Go Home

Championship or Bust! That was probably a slogan for many schools going into this season. But with last week's upset loss to Missouri, Kansas State finds itself in that position very literally. With a win over Nebraska this weekend, the Wildcats will win the North Division championship and put themselves in the Big 12 title game against Texas and a possible (albeit unlikely) shot at the Fiesta Bowl. If they lose, however, they’ll be home for the holidays. Yes, K-State has six wins, but two came against FCS (aka I-AA) teams, of which they can only count one. So they still need another win just to get bowl eligible. Not sure exactly what kind of bowl game and division title bonuses Bill Snyder has in his contract, but I think it’s safe to say he’s got a lot of money riding on this one.

Fiesta Bowl payout=$17.5 million.
Other Big 12 Bowl options=$750K to $3 million
6-6 record=$0
No pressure, Bill.

Bulls, Bears and Broncos

You can now buy stock in the Boise State Athletic Department, with the money raised going to fund improvements to the Broncos’ athletics facilities. The bigger question is will Dan Hawkins use the golden parachute buyout he’s about to get from Colorado to become the majority shareholder and get his old job back via hostile takeover?

Who says you can’t go home again?

What Happens in Juarez . . .

When the season started, I’m pretty sure the Sun Bowl wasn’t real high on the list of goals for Oklahoma and USC. But with their seasons in a tailspin, that is what some bowl projections are now predicting.

On the plus side, the folks at the Greater El Paso Chamber of Commerce will be the doing the dance of joy. This could be the biggest thing to hit El Paso since Marty Robbins.

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Rev. Shaw: Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

This is almost too comical to believe, but apparently the Bengals aren’t too committed to shedding their label as the home for the NFL’s troubled youth:

“Agent Says Bengals Close to Signing WR Henry”

Chris Henry is a great talent when he’s actually on the football field. But this is desperate. Chad Johnson’s shoulder injury must be more than what’s being let on at this point.

A quick rundown of Chris Henry’s off-field highlights (compliments of Wikipedia). The second entry is my personal favorite:

• December 15, 2005: Henry was pulled over in Northern Kentucky for speeding. During a search, marijuana was found in his shoes. He was also driving without a valid driver's license or valid insurance.
• January 30, 2006: Henry was arrested in Orlando, Florida for multiple gun charges including concealment and aggravated assault with a firearm. He was reported to have been wearing his #15 Bengals jersey at the time of his arrest. Henry pleaded guilty and avoided jail time in both cases.
• May 4, 2006: Cincinnati media reported that Henry was being investigated by Covington, Kentucky police in connection with a sex crime which allegedly occurred in a Covington hotel room in the early morning of April 30, 2006. No charges have yet been filed, and on May 24, 2006, Covington police reported that there is no proof anything happened and that the alleged victim might have concocted the story and may face charges for filing a false police report.
• June 3, 2006: Chris Henry was pulled over outside on Interstate 275 at 1:18 a.m by Ohio Highway Patrol trooper Michael Shimko. At 2:06 a.m. Henry voluntarily submitted to a breathalyzer test at Milford Police Department and registered a .092 blood-alcohol level, .012 above the level permitted in the state of Ohio.[16]
• September 25, 2006: Bengals linebacker Odell Thurman was pulled over for driving under the influence. The truck Thurman was driving belonged to rookie quarterback/receiver Reggie McNeal. Neither McNeal nor Henry, who were passengers, were charged with any wrongdoing by authorities. However, Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis suspended Henry for the Bengals game against the New England Patriots.
• October 6, 2006: Henry was suspended by the NFL for two games for violating the league's personal conduct and substance abuse policies. NFL policies forbid Henry from taking part in practices, however, he was allowed to attend any team meetings. Henry missed the Bengals' October 15, 2006 game at Tampa Bay and their October 22, 2006 home game versus Carolina.
• January 25, 2007: Henry plead guilty to charges of providing alcohol to minors, an incident that occurred at a hotel in the spring in 2006. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail, with all but two of those days being suspended.
• April 10, 2007: Henry was suspended for the first eight games of the 2007 NFL season for violations of the NFL's personal conduct policy. His suspension comes with a stern warning that future misconduct may result in the end of his career with the NFL. Henry was given permission by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to begin practicing fully. His suspension was lifted and he played in the November 11, 2007 game versus the Baltimore Ravens, amassing 4 catches for 99 yards.
• May 18, 2007: It was reported by the Cincinnati Enquirer that Henry allegedly failed a court-mandated drug test. The report showed that he had taken an opiate, but the result was later proven to be false. The failed drug test would have been the third violation of the NFL's substance abuse policy. A third violation, per league rules, results in a one-year suspension. In addition to having his suspension increased to 24 games, he would have had to serve an 88 day jail sentence. As of May 23, 2007, the State of Kentucky has reported that Henry in fact did NOT fail a drug test, and that earlier reports to the contrary are erroneous.
• June 12, 2007: Henry allegedly assaulted a 16-year-old boy with teammate Reggie McNeal. The claims were later reported to be unfounded and Henry and McNeal have been exonerated.
• November 6, 2007: Henry allegedly assaulted a valet attendant at Newport on the Levee.
• December 3, 2007: Henry arrested for the second time in Orlando, Florida for violating his probation he was on from a January 30, 2006 arrest. On February 21, 2008 he was found not guilty. On February 26, 2008, a motion to terminate probation in Orange County, Florida was denied.
• March 31, 2008: Henry was alleged to have punched a man named Gregory Meyer, 18, and thrown a beer bottle through the window of his car. Henry claimed it was a case of mistaken identity and also that he thought it was somebody else that owed him money. Henry was waived by the Bengals a day after this arrest and was then forced to serve a house arrest sentence.

Final thoughts: We should just chalk this up to owner Mike Brown having the biggest heart in all of sports. Or to certifying the wide-held belief that he is twenty-times more moronic than Matt Millen.

If Chris does indeed come back, we’ve got to bring back Odell Thurman and Reggie McNeal, right? That’s right, bring back the 2005-2006 Bengals!

And to all teenagers in the greater Cincinnati – Northern Kentucky region: Let this be a warning. Stay at home or Chris Henry will try to intoxicate/fondle/beat the living hell out of you.