I had a vested interest in last night’s Red Sox vs. Indians game on ESPN2 for three reasons. I am a Yankees fan (save the hate mail-I get it). I am basically rooting for both teams to lose. A Red Sox loss and a Yankees win cuts their lead in the East to 5 ½. A loss by the Indians and a win by the Yanks drops the Tribe’s lead in the wild card to 5 ½. Both scenarios hinge on a Yankees win although I am fully prepared to watch a Royals sweep -it’s been that kind of season.
The second reason was for fantasy purposes. About a month ago, in need of pitching help, I turned in my
Grady’s Ladies gear and traded Sizemore for Robbie Cano, Jorge Sosa, and Jon Lester. While Cano was a huge upgrade over my Marcus Giles/Rickie Weeks poop-toon and Sosa was a serviceable starter, I considered Lester the steal of the deal. Recovering from lymphoma cancer, my Red Sox informants assured me it was only a matter of time before Julian Tavarez punched himself into a coma (0-4 with a 7.71 ERA in his last five starts) and Lester was inserted in the rotation.
The third reason was the Sox fans bitching at the HHR staff for the lack of coverage on this site. Here, now shut up.
I was hoping for a John Miller and Joe Morgan booth, just for Joe to say something to send Ken Tremendous at
firejoemorgan.com into an epileptic fit tomorrow. We are treated to a three-man booth of Gary Cohen, Orel Hershiser and Steve Phillips.
Pregame hype. Sox, Indians, first place, Lester, cancer, Sox in slump, cancer, Tavarez just stole Chief Wahoo’s tomahawk and is terrorizing fans on line for hot dogs, cancer, yada, yada. cancer.
(I missed the first few innings to shave and shower. Hey, I don’t get paid for this shit; I do it in my free time. I have work in the morning. You want inning by inning of witty commentary about a Sox game, go read Simmons.)
Bottom of the 3rd and Phillips is sent down to the stands (lets hope he trips on a Cracker Jack box and takes a luxury seat to the temple) to interview John Lester Sr. about his son’s recovery from cancer (who knew) and how well he is pitching in his first game back. On cue, Grady Sizemore sends a Lester pitch into the lap of the Indian's drum section. The camera flashes back to Phillips and Lester Sr. for an uncomfortable pause as both men wait for the ball to land so the interview can continue.
Top of the 4th and in-studio analyst John Kruk comes on to discuss the thatch of brush cemented to his head and his battle with testicular cancer.
Bottom of the 4th and Lester gets out of a bases loaded jam by striking out Sizemore and follows with a “that’ll teach you to piss on my old man’s national TV interview” fist pump.
All of these women cry. My skinnier and better half returns home.
“Do you want me to sign you up to be one of Grady’s Ladies?”
“Who the hell is Grady?”
“He is an outfielder for the Indians.”
“Is he hot?”
“You would have to tell me that.”
“Well, you would say Tom Brady is good looking, how does he compare?”
“I know Tom Brady is good looking because society tells me he is.”I pretend to type something really important on my laptop because this conversation is never going to end.
Top of the 5th- Manny launches a rocket into the left center field fence but broke into his home run trot walking out of the dugout into the on-deck circle. Manny ends up with a long single. The announcers point out that Manny doesn’t run it out and it could come back to haunt the Sox….and on cue, a 3-6-3 double play. Manny gets high-fives and congratulations when he returns to the dugout, for what, I have no god damn idea. Maybe Manny is Manny because people let it slide.
They send it out to Rick Sutcliffe in San Francisco. He is doing the second game of coverage and not Joe Morgan. Crap.
Sutcliffe pregame hype includes Bonds, home run record, Hank Aaron, Bonds, Selig, Tavarez has the ESPN Deportes team bound and gagged in the booth and is doing his own play-by-play in which he is throwing a perfect game and 4-4 with 4 grand slams in the DH slot, record, Bonds, blah blah…
Sutcliffe looks
sober. Now there is really no reason to watch the second game. Except, I have this feeling
Leather is doing the Bonds game. He wants to be there in case 755 happens. He practices the call every day. In mirrors, in his reflection in a spoon, on the crapper while his booming voice echoes through the men’s room. And I know he has a dumb song ready for the occasion.
(Second intermission to make breakfast and lunch for work tomorrow.)
Top of the 7th- Lester is out and is congratulated in the dugout by every member of the Red Sox. The line is good: 6 innings, 2 earned runs, 5 hits, 3 walks, 6 K’s. I’ll take that every fantasy start so long as the Sox lose the other games. They show the Lester’s in the stands, breathing a sign of relief and congratulating one another. I am happy for them. Uggh...I don’t want to like a Red Sox player, I really don’t.
“That is Grady Sizemore.”
“Oh wasn’t he like a top draft pick, played for Notre Dame.”
“That’s Brady Quinn. This is Grady Sizemore. They are two different people and it’s two completely different sports.”
“Oh..well. I want to be one of Brady’s Ladies”
“There is no such thing.”
“If there ever is, let me know. I am in.”Since Lester’s departure, I have lost all interest in this game. I’m checking email, flipping channels and following the Tavarez standoff on Telemundo. I am sticking around for the start of the Giants game just to see if my Leather theory is correct.
Switch over to Monday Night Raw. No dead wrestlers to report. For now.
Manny Delcarmen gets the save. Unfortunately the Sox win but we throw it to….
....Dave O’Brien and Rick Sutcliffe in San Francisco.
Damn. No leather.
That’s it for me.
-posted by Fat Willard
