The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Round One

From a cynic’s perspective, last night’s Round One of the NFL draft was very disappointing. After all, my job is to write about the bad and stupid things that football teams do. And yesterday was remarkably devoid of that. Sure, there were some surprises (Clausen falling out of the first round). And some teams reached for players they probably could have gotten later (Tebow, Alualu). And invariably some of these players will be busts. But all in all, I think most teams did what they needed to do. So with that, I’ll do my best to comment on a few things about draft night.

What fun is the draft when I can’t even point and laugh at the Raiders?

Bring Back Saturday!

First off, I hate the new three-day format. While I understand their efforts to get more viewers during prime-time, I really didn’t like the draft competing with the NBA playoffs. Plus, when the early rounds were on Saturday, that was my one day in about six months in which I could use football as an excuse to put off chores and sit in front of the TV all day. The draft—at least the first couple of rounds—was my get-out-of-jail free card for one day off from spring cleaning and housework. Now, it’s going to be hard to justify to my wife (and myself) why I should spend my Saturday waiting for someone to take a punter in the sixth round instead of fixing the fence in the back yard.

This looks like a job for Mr. Irrelevant!

Nice Guys Finish First

Last night was a big night for “high character” guys. Sam Bradford, Ndamukong Suh and Gerald McCoy are three of the nicest, humblest, most down-to-earth guys you will ever meet. Meanwhile, Dez Bryant, once projected as a top-ten pick, slid all the way to Dallas at #24 based on his off-field issues. With so much focus the last two week on Ben Roethlisberger’s issues, it was nice to see these kind of guys get rewarded. It’ll be interesting to see as the draft progresses if NFL GMs shy away from talented but troubled players in favor of Boy Scouts.

Bradford can smile all the way to the bank.

Injuries are Overrated

On another front, it was good to see two great players who came back for their senior years not have their draft stock hampered by injuries. Sam Bradford, projected as a top pick last year, went #1 overall despite playing in only three games this year due to shoulder injuries. Oklahoma tight end Jermaine Gresham, projected as a mid- to late-first round last year, missed his entire senior season with a knee injury. But he still went #21 to the Bengals, the first tight end taken. (For comparison, last year’s top tight end, Brandon Pettigrew, went to the Lions at #20).

Carson Palmer is the happiest man in Cincinnati today.

And on the Third First Day, Tebow Shall Be Drafted

There was great wailing and gnashing of teeth coming from the Rocky Mountains last night when the Broncos traded up to draft Tim Tebow in the first round. I’m certainly not a Tebow hater, but you have to question the thought process here. It’s obvious the Broncos loved Tebow. Fine. But the Broncos had the 11th pick in the second round. With most teams having Clausen and McCoy higher on their boards, even if some teams in need of a QB got into the game, odds are that Tebow still would have been there. So in essence, the Broncos traded 2nd, 3rd and 4th round picks to move up 18 slots . To their credit, the Broncos have made several trades and still have a stockpile of draft picks, so they have potential for a very solid draft class. But I just think they ended up buying something they could have had anyway.

Just because.

“Who the Hell is Mel Kiper?”

Speaking of Tebow, am I the only one who found Mel Kiper’s reaction when Tebow was drafted hilarious? Kiper acted like someone had just personally insulted his entire family tree when someone dared to take Tebow ahead of his golden child, Jimmy Clausen. I kept waiting for him to pull out dueling pistols and “demand satisfaction.” The only person more worried right now than Jimmy Clausen? U. of Washington QB Jake Locker, who Kiper has already anointed as next year’s #1 pick.

Am I the only one who thinks Kiper is better suited for a Twilight movie than an NFL draft room?

On the plus side, with plenty of talent still left on the board, there's still plenty of time for your favorite team to completely screw the pooch. So stay tuned.

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Separated at Birth Blah: Draft Weekend Blah

Transylvanian Mel Kiper comes out of his cavernous hibernation this weekend, to stand side by side with Greg the Bunny'sCount Blah, blah.

Welcome back old friend

He shows up every year around February. Like clockwork. As automatic as the mailman or the Pirates being out of the playoffs by July. Spending most of the winter months nestled deep in his hole, his emergence is covered by major news outlet across the US. What will his prediction be this year? Will it be a prosperous spring? Or will some still experience a dark, dreary outlook for the weeks and months to come. Only he knows. Punxsutawney Phil? My ass. This guy is more important and has a nicer head of hair.

Mel Kiper Jr. And his prediction is this...10 more weeks till the NFL Draft.

Mel has been popping up everywhere. He loves this time of year. The days get a little longer. They don’t seem as dreary. He shows up on ESPN radio, in Internet columns and newspaper clippings. With his car salesman smile and Johnny Fontaine charm, he holds in his hand the information that every team shells out countless of dollars to obtain.

With the NFL combines starting tomorrow, this is Mel’s bread and butter time. This is how he makes his living. Months of tape watching, scouting, reporting, and eavesdropping come down to a day of mass hysteria.

Listening to him talk up the intangibles of Darren McFadden on a recent radio spot, I started to wonder: How the hell does he know all this? Better yet, how does he remember? This isn't the NFL where you have to remember 32 teams of 50-60 players. He is forced to stay abreast on hundreds and hundreds of Division I-III players. I am not naive to think that he doesn't prep himself before every appearance, but he speaks off the cuff about random players in such a matter-of-fact fashion you would think he has 24 hour surveillance around their homes.

I searched online and found little information about the draft day guru. His bio is available on ESPN.com. Here is what I found:

Kiper is president of Draft Publications Inc., which he founded in 1981 while in college. It is responsible for all aspects of two annual publications: NFL Draft Report and Draft Preview.."

That fact astounds me. During college I found it impossible to attend two classes on the same day, and Mel is starting a business and compiling college football stat information. If I hadn’t concentrated so much on beer pong and getting, maybe things could have turned out different.

Mel Kiper Jr. has served as expert analyst for ESPN's annual NFL Draft coverage since 1984, providing in-depth information on the nation's most talented collegiate football players.

So he starts a company and three years later he is giving expert analysis on ESPN? Granted ESPN wasn't the sports information juggernaut it is today, but still that's impressive. Unless, it was easy to get a gig with an upstart 24 hours a day sports cable station. I want to interview the guy who hired him. "Well Mel showed up with a big book of stats he put together so we figured let's just put him on the air. If things didn't go well, we had Diamond David Lee Roth backstage. He just got booted from Van Halen, but he appealed to the younger demo."

His pre-draft predictions are frequently the most accurate in the business, often as much as 80 percent correct on first-round selections.

80% of the time? I’ll need some pie charts and back-up data on that statement. (I think this bio is getting a bit slanted in Mel’s favor.)

His continuous, yearlong research is aided by an office equipped with satellite dishes allowing him to pick up 20 to 25 college games each week.

Why am I picturing Mel in the Batcave, with a butler named Alfred making him Latte Shooters with a Red Bull chaser to keep him coherent for Nevada at Hawaii.

Mel's hair is made entirely of black licorice and shellacked with Minwax for that all day shine.

Ok, I made that up.

Another interesting note that ESPN omitted; Mel got into his personal life on the radio once and discussed some of his more peculiar habits. Among them, he eats pumpkin pie for breakfast every morning. True story.

Anyway. Welcome back Mel. We missed you.