The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week 11

Quick hit edition this week.

The Hits Keep on Coming

This Cam Newton recruitment saga keeps getting stranger by the day. At this point, the only thing missing are cameos by Brett Favre’s penis and Rachel Uchitel.

Anyone know if Rachel has any, um, connections at Auburn?

Turning Tricks
Some of it gets a bit repetitive, but this list of the Top 50 Trick Plays is well worth your time.

When You Get to the Bottom, Stop Digging
The WAC announced last week that it was adding the University of Texas-San Antonio and Texas State and the University of Denver in all sports except football. In related news, the WAC is now rated as the 4th toughest conference in the FCS.

Haven't Cubs Fans Suffered Enough?
Northwestern and Illinois will be playing their game this week at Wrigley Field, a decision which was apparently made without actually bothering to think about how the field would be set up. There’s a lot of talk these days about helmet-to-helmet hits. But no one’s talking about the real threat—helmet-to-brick-walls-covered-with-thin-pads-printed-to-look-like-ivy hits.

“Coach, PLEASE don’t make me run that deep post route again.”

Official Complaints
Living in the middle of the country, I’ve seen a lot of Big 12 games the last couple of years and I have to say that they have, far and away, the worst officiating in the country. And, while it may be fun to think of Dan Beebe sitting there with a Buffalo Wild Wings-esque buzzer alerting the refs when it’s time to screw Nebraska for leaving the conference, it’s equal opportunity crappy. It seems like every big game this year has had several not just questionable, but outright bad calls. And then, even after lengthy reviews, they still get them wrong. I understand missed calls are part of the game. But most conferences address these issues and work to get better. It seems like the Big 12 refs get worse every week with no end in sight. Maybe Texas can use a small fraction of their recent ESPN payday to better train their
officials. But I'm not holding my breath.

On second thought, maybe there is something to the Nebraska conspiracy theories.

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The Cynic’s Guide to College Football: Week 10

In the time it takes you to read this, Les Miles will make another insane decision that will inexplicably work, Oregon will score some more, some new allegations against Cam Newton will come out and Michigan’s defense will give up another touchdown.

OK, now that those are out of the way, let’s move on to this week in bad football.

Texas: It’s Like a Whole Other Planet
In the last month, the Texas Rangers made it to the World Series, Baylor cracked the Top 25, George W. Bush wrote (not read, WROTE) a book and the Longhorns were beaten soundly by the likes of Iowa State, Baylor and Kansas State.

Now entering Bizarro World.

Who Needs StubHub When You’re Heavily Armed?
Seeing extra security or even military personnel at big college football games isn’t really a surprise. So I guess that’s why a guy in fatigues and a machine gun was recently spotted on the sidelines of the Big House during the Michigan-Michigan State game. That is, until, the members of the color guard alerted UM officials that the guy was an impostor. Come to find out, the dude was a member of the Michigan National Guard. But he only used his uniform and two (unloaded) M-16 automatic rifles as his backstage pass when he couldn’t get a ticket. He was ultimately escorted out of the stadium by police.

Now THIS is how a real military man gets into a Michigan game.

Firepower
Speaking of football and the military, Navy’s football team outscored it’s basketball team 76-52 this week.

For the Navy, the best defense is a good offense.

Why the BCS Stinks: Reason #326
While we can all debate whether or not TCU and Boise State deserve a title shot, you’d have to be a pretty big anti-AQ conference homer not to admit that they’re two of the best 10 teams in the country. Yet odds are that, at most, one will end up in the BCS. Meanwhile, we’re 10 weeks into the season . . . and no one from the Big East is even eligible for the conference’s automatic BCS spot.

Halloween, Sooner Style
Speaking of costumes, an Oklahoma man was recently arrested for trying to shoplift what was described as a “sexy referee” costume by shoving it down his pants. This of course raises the age-old question, “How do you make a referee sexy?”

“Hey, baby. Got your tickets to the GUN SHOW?”

Brian Kelly’s New Distinction
Say what you want about Charlie Weis, Tyrone Willingham or Bob Davie—at least they never killed anyone.

Making it Too Easy
In the “only coming two years too late” category, Colorado athletic director Mike Bohn announced on Tuesday the firing of Buffs head coach Dan Hawkins. That decision got a whole lot easier on Saturday when the Buffs gave up 35 unanswered points in less than 12 minutes in a 52-47 loss to Kansas. The comeback marked KU’s first Big 12 win this year and Colorado’s biggest collapse in program history. Hawkins then proceeded to walk out on an interview with CU’s flagship radio station after the reporter had the audacity to ask why the Buffs were trying to throw the ball all over the field instead of milking the clock. Admittedly, it wasn’t a tough decision to start with, what with Hawkins’ career 19-39 record at CU. But Hawkins is lucky Bohn even let him make the trip back home to Colorado.

Buffs QB Cody Hawkins now gets to enjoy the world’s most awkward Senior Day.

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