The Cynic’s Guide to College Football: Week 10

In the time it takes you to read this, Les Miles will make another insane decision that will inexplicably work, Oregon will score some more, some new allegations against Cam Newton will come out and Michigan’s defense will give up another touchdown.

OK, now that those are out of the way, let’s move on to this week in bad football.

Texas: It’s Like a Whole Other Planet
In the last month, the Texas Rangers made it to the World Series, Baylor cracked the Top 25, George W. Bush wrote (not read, WROTE) a book and the Longhorns were beaten soundly by the likes of Iowa State, Baylor and Kansas State.

Now entering Bizarro World.

Who Needs StubHub When You’re Heavily Armed?
Seeing extra security or even military personnel at big college football games isn’t really a surprise. So I guess that’s why a guy in fatigues and a machine gun was recently spotted on the sidelines of the Big House during the Michigan-Michigan State game. That is, until, the members of the color guard alerted UM officials that the guy was an impostor. Come to find out, the dude was a member of the Michigan National Guard. But he only used his uniform and two (unloaded) M-16 automatic rifles as his backstage pass when he couldn’t get a ticket. He was ultimately escorted out of the stadium by police.

Now THIS is how a real military man gets into a Michigan game.

Firepower
Speaking of football and the military, Navy’s football team outscored it’s basketball team 76-52 this week.

For the Navy, the best defense is a good offense.

Why the BCS Stinks: Reason #326
While we can all debate whether or not TCU and Boise State deserve a title shot, you’d have to be a pretty big anti-AQ conference homer not to admit that they’re two of the best 10 teams in the country. Yet odds are that, at most, one will end up in the BCS. Meanwhile, we’re 10 weeks into the season . . . and no one from the Big East is even eligible for the conference’s automatic BCS spot.

Halloween, Sooner Style
Speaking of costumes, an Oklahoma man was recently arrested for trying to shoplift what was described as a “sexy referee” costume by shoving it down his pants. This of course raises the age-old question, “How do you make a referee sexy?”

“Hey, baby. Got your tickets to the GUN SHOW?”

Brian Kelly’s New Distinction
Say what you want about Charlie Weis, Tyrone Willingham or Bob Davie—at least they never killed anyone.

Making it Too Easy
In the “only coming two years too late” category, Colorado athletic director Mike Bohn announced on Tuesday the firing of Buffs head coach Dan Hawkins. That decision got a whole lot easier on Saturday when the Buffs gave up 35 unanswered points in less than 12 minutes in a 52-47 loss to Kansas. The comeback marked KU’s first Big 12 win this year and Colorado’s biggest collapse in program history. Hawkins then proceeded to walk out on an interview with CU’s flagship radio station after the reporter had the audacity to ask why the Buffs were trying to throw the ball all over the field instead of milking the clock. Admittedly, it wasn’t a tough decision to start with, what with Hawkins’ career 19-39 record at CU. But Hawkins is lucky Bohn even let him make the trip back home to Colorado.

Buffs QB Cody Hawkins now gets to enjoy the world’s most awkward Senior Day.

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The Cynic's Guide to College Football, Week 11

My apologies for the lateness of this week’s entry. Much like Phil Fulmer and Ron Prince, I’m a short-timer in my current job. (Unlike them, I’m pulling a Nick Saban and heading for greener pastures of my own accord.) But as a result, I’m suddenly being inundated with requests for “work” and “information,” which has greatly cut into my writing time. As such, this will be an abbreviated version of The Guide this week. But, like most coaches on a short leash, I promise that next week will be better.

1. Rocky Bottom

I wrote about Phil Fulmer losing his job last week and, while I hate to pick on a guy while he’s down, I wouldn’t be doing my job of writing about bad football if I didn’t at least note the Volunteers’ 13-7 loss to Wyoming last weekend. As one local newspaper columnist put it, “UT Stands for Utter Travesty.” Others said it was the worst UT loss in more than 30 years, if not longer. Let me put this as gently as I can. They lost at home. On Homecoming. To Wyoming. You know, dead last in scoring offense and 112th in total offense Wyoming? You know, held to seven points or less five times this season Wyoming? As much fun as we all made of Michigan’s loss to Appalachian State last year, this one is way worse. Appalachian State, while a small I-AA team, was at least a good team. I can’t say remotely the same about Wyoming. Or Tennessee.

Make the hurting stop.

Photo courtesy : Loserswithsocks

2. Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy

In honor of Movember, the Oregon State football team has stopped shaving this month.

Insert your own beaver shaving joke here.

OSU’s new middle linebacker

3. When Sportswriters Attack

Mainstream sportswriters have lots of critical comments (some deserved) about sports bloggers. But the most common is that, as opposed to traditional news outlets, bloggers “aren’t accountable, their information doesn’t have to be factual, they can just put it out there and criticize and never have to be questioned about it.” Well, if that’s the case, the Kansas City Star’s Jason Whitlock would make one hell of a blogger.

As the Wiz of Odds first noted, earlier this week, Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis announced that he would be taking over playcalling duties from offensive coordinator Mike Haywood. Whitlock went ballistic, calling Weis “a bully and a coward” and accusing the rotund coach of “throw[ing] his offensive coordinator under the bus.”

Just one small problem with Whitlock’s theory: Haywood won’t be calling the plays because he’s not with the team this week following a death in the family.

Look, I’m not by any means a Charlie Weis or Notre Dame fan. Personally, I think they’re perfect for each other—smug, egomaniacal, overpaid and an overinflated sense of worth. But then I could say the same about certain sportswriters.

Whitlock at work on another hard-hitting piece of investigative journalism.

4. Rooting for the Good Guys

In honor of Veteran’s Day this week, I thought I should mention that the service academies are quietly putting together some pretty good teams. Navy, even without Paul Johnson at the helm, are 6-3 and have a realistic shot at a nine-win season (remaining games vs. Notre Dame, @ Northern Illinois and vs. Army). Air Force is flying high (pun intended) at 8-2 and, in a normal year in which Utah, TCU and BYU were not all top-20 teams, would be competing for the MWC title. And Army, well, they’re 3-7. But they’re still more man than you or I. So to all of our cadets, service men and women and veterans, a big thank you for all that you do.

No matter who gets the Commander in Chief’s Trophy, the U.S. of A. is the big winner.

Former Navy Wideout, HS Coach Charged With Sexual Assault

Former Navy Midshipman Wide Receiver and current Steinert High School (Hamilton, NJ) football coach was arrested Friday and charged with fourth degree criminal sexual contact.

The details of the incident seem a little shady, but authorities apparently found enough evidence to charge the former naval officer.

The official police statement did not describe the nature of the alleged offense; however, law enforcement sources said the alleged contact took place between Jordan and a female student. The female student was said to be bothering another girl, who may have been at the school for Take Your Child to Work Day. Jordan may have pulled the allegedly harassing female student from behind to restrain her, sources said.

Jordan played during the 1987-88 seasons and was Navy's leading receiver in '88.

Without knowing full details, this seems like an unfortunate case that doesn't seem to have been intentional. Hopefully he'll be cleared of wrong doing.

Had this been Bo Kunkle, we'd have had a different assumption.

Stay Classy, New Brunswick

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Yoooooooouuuuu. (RU)

I kicked off my sports-filled weekend on Friday night with a trip up the New Jersey Turnpike to watch the Scarlet Knights take on Navy's Midshipmen. I recall asking the feller I was with as Navy took the field "Is it proper to boo servicemen?" So the two of us golf clapped for our sailors-to-be.

It seems we were among the few at Rutgers Stadium that night with a touch of class.

From today's Star Ledger: Obscene fans at Rutgers draw a penalty flag

Navy was booed and peppered with "You suck!" chants when they stepped on the field for both halves. Toward the end of the second half, Rutgers students in the new bleacher section began to serenade the adjacent section of Navy fans and uniformed Midshipmen.

''F--- you, Navy. F---you, Navy. F--- you, Navy."

I did hear the a-hole chants directed at the zebras in the penalty-laden game, but I guess I wasn't within earshot of the f-bombs.