CR Dunbar's Olympic Sized Bits and Pieces

• The announcer yelled, "the Canadians are coming!" That's funny.
• MSNBC is feeling uncomfortable with all this American flag waiving.
  

Why hasn't Olbermann joined his fellow NBC sportscasters?

• Wikipedia was unhelpful in explaining the difference between Downhill, Super G, Super Combined, Giant Slalom and Slalom skiiing. I'm starting to doubt it as a viable source.
• More skiing, more figure skating, more curling. Anything new left? Bobsledding? Are they too going to start from the juvenile post?
• I know how Bode Miller feels. When I have the perfect Blood Alcohol Level, I am unstoppable too.

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CR Dunbar's Olympic Sized Bits and Pieces

I am going to tap into the eye of the tiger for today's bits and pieces:

• Americans had a bigger blowout last night than DJ Pauly D.
• If Scott Hamilton's head explodes into a bloody stump tonight from all twirling excitement, what happens? I imagine they have a contingency plan for this.
• Lindsey Vonn, so hot, want to touch the heiney. Aaaooo!
  

• When reporters get bored, they get snippy. I blame the lack of "services" now available to keep them happy on Tiger Woods.
• Surrender! (Keep an eye on Skier #2)
  
• What's the equivalent in Canada of Americans having their picture on the Wheaties box? Labatt Blue 12-pack?
• I haven't seen the bandanna try to make a comeback like this since Napoleon Dynamite.
  

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CR Dunbar's Olympic Sized Bits and Pieces

• Can't go skiing because it's snowing. I've been doing it wrong all these years.
• The prominence of primetime figure skating in the Olympics reminds me of the Conan/Leno fight. The Baby Boomer generation will never move out of the way.
• Nobunari Oda is the 17th descendant of Nobunaga Oda, a famous Japanese warlord. He honors his grandfather's warlord spirit with this outfit.

• NBC is drawing the line at sending Lindsey Jacobellis to the Fail Blog.
• Male athletes should stay away from slipping into the female biathlon hut when the Olympic Villiage inevitably becomes the lust village. You don't need a roid raged woman with impeccable endurance and mad sniper skills coming for you after a one night stand.

They already made Sirli Hanni from Estonia take a mug shot

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CR Dunbar's Olympic Sized Bits and Pieces

• The drama created by Johnny Weir and PETA has to be the worst contrived storyline of the games. All involved need to be Bob Barker'd: spayed or neutered.
• The only one not threatened is Weir's beautiful new female roommate, Tanith Belbin.
  

• How weird would it be to listen to Bob Costas' voice at a dinner party? Without staring at his head looking for hair-dye clumps.
• Pretty sure the US men in snowboard cross were wearing jeans during competition. That's an Olympic sport I can appreciate.
• Bode Miller is still relevant.
• Speed skating was delayed because of track problems, so NBC switched to doubles figure skating, so I shoved a pencil in my eye. Didn't expect that reaction out of me.
• It was cute when Canada had their gold medal ceremony. Someone should give little brother a noogie.
  

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CR Dunbar's Olympic Sized Bits and Pieces

Who's the hotter breed? Skiers or swimmers?

I watched the Opening Ceremony with the sound off so I could experience it in a pure form without the distractions of sound. Or, I was at the bar and it happened to be on. Here's what I saw and my opening thoughts:

• A Canadian Gandalf took on an inflatable giant bear.

• Peter Pan founded Canada by learning to fly and grow corn.
• The camera guys did a phenomenal job finding the tail in the large groups and provided the uncontrived balance with the ugly countries, ahem Latvia. Did they need to go any further than Sweden though? They lived up to the cliche.
• Remember the episode of Family Guy where Peter asks if they could be with any girl who would it be and Quagmire answer Taylor Hanson from Hanson? Shaun White may have confused some men during the ceremony's parade of women.
• Mad props to my boy from Skee town for carrying in the flag.
• The question of the Olympic games may be who's the hotter breed? Skiers or swimmers? One is always wet, one always likes to go down. Bada bing.
• I remembered that freestyle skiing is awesome, but now it is done. Figure skating will be on every night now.
• With women's volleyball every night during the summer we at least were treated to PG-13 rated ample cheeks. With ice skating they use nylon fake skin or fur.

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CR Dunbar's Olympic Sized Bits and Pieces

As shut-ins get tingly about the Winter Olympics Ceremony this evening, I thought it was a good time to dust off my own bits and pieces for the occasion. On with the show:

• Is any reference to Brian Boitano still funny?
• Plenty of pressure on Canadian Hockey to win gold. Only 13-year old Romanian gymnasts know this kind of pressure. However, whereas the gymnasts are left in a hot box if they fail, the Canadian hockey players will probably get big hugs.
• I was looking for the winter equivalent of Summer Olympic's Handball that would sweep me off my feet and tell me I'm pretty, but it turns out there are only two team sports in the Winter Olympics: Hockey and Curling. Sorry scrubbers.
• Look for Belarus Men's Freestyle Skiing Aerialist Anton Kushner to start a twitter signup war with CNBC.
• First Winter Olympics since Blades of Glory. Iron Lotus references highly encouraged Scott Hamilton and Brian Boitano.

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Dunbar's Olympic Sized Bits and Pieces

• The Chinese women divers are robots.
• Baton passing in a relay race is as dribbling is to basketball as kicking is to soccer as serving is to tennis as meat is to a burger as pedaling is to biking as a number 2 pencil is to a standardized test. Charlie Brown says "augh" USA.
• Weed makes you fast, eh mon? Can you imagine the track and field after party by the Jamaica section of the Olympic Village? They thought the smog was bad now.

• Back when Spike TV only showed Cops reruns and sports accidents, I saw this grainy video of a judge taking a javelin to the throat. I have loved the sport since. My fingers are crossed for a hammer toss accident, so I have another reason to watch field events.

• Right when you think you have a system to avoid spoiling the results so you can watch them, news agencies start breaking the stories at 2 pm (2 am Beijing time). Unavoidable if you are at a computer. What the hell?
• Are the US men's track team wearing fake sailor outfits? I'm not going to quickly jump on the new track leadership for America's poor performance like the announcers. The uniform designers need to carry a big part of this burden. Even dogs regress when they know they look stupid.

Dunbar's Olympic-sized Bits and Pieces

• When the Chinese stand outside the Today Show, do they know that Al Roker is not a holographic cartoon character but a real man?
• If the Olympics ever sets up one of those NBA Experience deals, you know where you get to measure yourself next to George Muresan, I would not try the men's vollyball station. The human wrist is not designed to stop a ball at those speeds.
• What did Mark Spitz ever do to Sports Illustrated? Why is the media interested in wiping him out of history? Did he leave an upperdecker on the way out?

• Russia is as fidgety as a VH1 reality contestant right now. A volleyball spike off the face could cause an international incident.
• Matt Lauer is going to discover that he likes to sleep in.
• If swimmers, runners, cyclists and others need to test for performance enhancers, shouldn't divers be tested for eating disorders? *cough China cough*
• Would anyone think poorly of Wallace Spearmon if he punched Bob Neumeier in the face after he questioned him right after he lost the bronze medal from a disqualification?
• If Jamaica is doing this well in the sprints, I can't wait to see their bobsled team.

Dunbar's Olympic-sized Bits and Pieces

• Promotion for NBC's 30 Rock has been mysteriously absent during the Olympic games. Perhaps the Chinese wrote something in the contract that forbids it because of a Saturday Night Live skit featuring 30 Rock actor Alec Baldwin. (Editors Note: the HHR staff searched the entire Internets for the clip to no success even though it is on Baldwin's greatest hits DVD, free speech violation NBC?)

Sgt. Jack Wilcox (Baldwin): Now, I don't pretend to know who these Chinese people are - I know they're small, maybe 1 or 2 feet high! I know they sound funny when they talk, I know the womenfolk have sideways vaginas! But underneath their scales, they're just like you and me. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I can't take on a billion of them.

• Imitating pictures have yet to surface from a womenfolk's basketball team.
• Here I thought I was going to have to put some effort in to win my gold medal in London with my new handball team. Turns out I could just walk for one or jump on a trampoline. (Don't worry, handball is still on for all those that have signed up)
• For what women's soccer lacks in power and speed, it is made up for in the lack of fake fouls and injuries. I'm looking at you, all of Europe.
• The ratings success of the Olympics has NBC itching for a spin off. You may have seen a glimpse of it the other night. Bella Karolyi and Tim Daggett shack up in China and hi jinx ensues. Hint: one of them breaks down and cries in the first episode.

• Life advise to small town teenage boys between 6 foot 3 and 6 foot 6. Skip going for the NBA. You are too short and your high school coach makes you play like a big man everyday. Try for baseball pitcher and develop the arm. But cross train with volleyball and swimming. They could win you a free ride to college, fat endorsement deals and the ladies.

Dunbar's Olympic-sized Bits and Pieces

• The Olympics are in China and they call Ping Pong "Table Tennis." Huh?
• Both NBC online and beach volleyball announcer Chris Marlowe have used the term "phelpsian" to describe effort. No. Stop it.
• If those are the drapes, I don't want to see the carpet.

• Al Trautwig mentions that Alicia Saracone is the second most searched athlete next to Michael Phelps. I'm not sure its because people are looking for information on her misses in the gymnastics team event, Al. The missed steps will wash away once Hef calls.
• The outfits for the women sprinters must have been outsourced to this season's pathetic Project Runway contestants. The faux collars are not fashion forward and the designer did not make it work.

• China could learn a thing from western culture. When your stadium is half empty, you let people sit in the good seats to make it look full for the cameras. Helps with that whole freedom of the press thing.
• You lika da Bella don't you, eh? The Bella is good, no? I knew you like da Bella.

Dunbar's Olympic-sized Bits and Pieces

• The Olympic pool is probably 4 inches short. Were there outside inspectors to measure the pool or did we rely on China's good word and expert craftsmanship?
• Any complaints if men's field hockey is replaced with lacrosse? Didn't think so.
• UFC's Dana White should be on the horn setting up a four man tournament. The gold medalists in wrestling and boxing fight to take on the winner between judo and tae-kwon-do. Now only to choose which weight class. I only have 58 options.
• Eric Shanteau will forever be known as testicular cancer Olympic swimmer guy. Life isn't fair as he well knows.

• Couple days back I heard the song Carrie by Europe during the beach volleyball tournament. I can't tell if it was for Kerrie Walsh or China hasn't had an import of American music since 1986.
• The men's floor routine has a hint of NASCAR to it. You watch hoping they crash on their necks.
• Host cities must be capable of building an enormous sloping indoor track for the opportunity for someone to ride their bike inside in a circle. The dullness and concept of indoor biking is mind numbing. If you want to ride inside it should be old school big wheels in a makeshift Mario Kart arena. I would watch that.

Dunbar's Olympic-sized Bits and Pieces

• The Swedish wrestler didn't toss his medal on the ground because he thought the judges were corrupt, he was the first to realize that the Chinese were giving out counterfeit medals.
• I'm going to see whether some NBA players that are not selected by St. Peter, I mean Jerry Colangelo, want to be on my handball team and take home America's first gold medal in the sport. Is Chris Kaman available? Oh, that's right.
• Do you think Kristin Armstrong sang, "I can ride my bike with no handle bars," the entire time while winning cycling gold?
• Beach volleyball in the morning, beach volleyball at night. Come on already. Even NBC's online TV listing is exacerbated saying, "More beach volleyball."

Hug it out.

• Swimmer Lochne on the medals platform, "Really. You are going to give me roses? Dude, seriously, I'll just take the medal. No, really. Fine, I'll hold them."
• Horse dressage is tons more fun when its called Medieval Times and I am eating a giant turkey leg.

Dunbar's Olympic-sized Bits and Pieces

• Thank you world wide webs for introducing me to handball. Handball, (Marv Albert) YES! Where do I sign up?
• I was going to call out the puss-in-boots French weightlifter that tucked his tail between his legs and walked away from a lift to compete for the gold as a typical Frenchmen who surrenders when the going gets tough, but then I saw the Hungarian dislocate his elbow and remembered an Internets photo of a weightlifter blowing out his anus through his leotard. So...eh, screw it. Go suck a crepe, Frenchy.

• We had a deep conversation about the efforts of the women's gymnastics team at work. We decided we liked the really tall, hot one. Turns out she is 5'3".
• The gymnastics and diving announcers have hinted to it a few times, but GE CEO Jeffery Immelt may have had new heart-stopping devices implanted in them to stop them from elaborating, but the Chinese will pluck children out of daycare to forceably train them to become Olympic athletes. To compound that, remember you are only allowed one child in China. Sure, Americans have forceful coaches and live-through-your-children parents, but we do not send kids off to remote isles at age 3 to dive in a pool for 8 hours a day. Where is that story? Too busy hugging pandas, NBC?
• Don't know my feelings on the whitewater kayaking event. It looks like a demonstration you would see at Dicks Sporting Goods next to the rock climbing wall.
• Is this the normal event schedule for the Olympics or did the Chinese stack the lineup to focus on their best sports first? Could Kenya have all the distance running events first if they hosted?

Dunbar's Olympic-sized Bits and Pieces

• Michael Phelp's life consists of eating, swimming, his dog and sleep. His dog sitter must be dropping bricks right now. Not only could a spilled gallon of delicious antifreeze destroy the spirit of the champion and therefore the country, but the French and the Thorpeedo may very well be lurking in the bushes in search of the most popular bulldog since Meaty.
  
  

• Did you know that Misty May and Keri Walsh want to start families after the Olympics? Time to turn to the second page of the talking points boys. Is there more pressure on a set of reproductive organs in the country than these two?
• Who invented the butterfly stroke? In what circumstance would you ever swim like that? Swimming strokes should be based on survival techniques not a contortion done by a 13 year old in his backyard pool.
• As the days go by, we are finding out more and more aspects of the opening ceremony were faked e.g. fireworks, singing. I wouldn't be anywhere near the Bird's Nest the day after the closing ceremony. It is probably made of tin foil and paper mache.
• I put my pants just like the rest of you, one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I break world records. I'm Bruce Dickin...Michael Phelps.
• Mary Corella might have been the inspiration for Jim Carrey's Vera De Milo.

Dunbar's Olympic-sized Bits and Pieces

• The olympics needs more Bella Karolyi. Already dropping bombs on gymnastics judges calling them corrupt. Can't you see him grabbing a judge by the scruff of the neck and waistband and give a him a bar toss.
• I have decided the worst Olympian to be (so far) is the waterpolo player in the middle that can only be described as the "Dunkee." Go swim across the pool and proceed to get dunked for a few minutes. I blow chlorine out of my nose watching it.
• I am tired of afternoon naps that start with and wake up to rowing. They need to trim the amount of sculls in the water in an Olympics. Better yet, it should be a viking warship race.
• Instead of the media doing cute China culture pieces like how to use chopsticks, they should have a manscaping lesson with the diving team. Bare down there.
• Why does Costas insist on harking about how he has had to walk from set to set? People walk every day, Bob. Usually without breaking a sweat or getting a cookie afterwards.

"Gimme a snickerdoodle, bitch."

Dunbar's Olympic-sized Bits and Pieces

• Can you be named Karch and not be a beach volleyball player? It's the Jeeves of sports.
• NBC spends billions to have the rights to the Olympics and the only thing they have to promote is Chuck.
• Best part of Communism: Craig Sagers' sport coats are confiscated at customs.
• Great TV month for butt guys.

• Gymnastics announcer Tim Daggett has more drama than the pueberty-stunted girls that he covers.
• Lord knows Bob Costas did not come up with those questions about foreign policy matters for the president by himself.
• Costas almost asks President Bush to pardon Marion Jones. Bush's customary half smirk and laugh is the appropriate reply.

Dunbar's Olympic-sized Bits and Pieces

• Raj Bhasvar may have surgically implanted softballs into his arms.
  

• Which gymnastics apparatus expierences the most flatulance? I know I would have my mouth closed while providing support on the rings.
• What does blowing your knee apart mean? Visions of a Tarantino movie come to mind. Either way, you shouldn't be able to land a high bar dismount. Then again, the same guy who described the injury just said gi-normous.
• Costas claims a major victory by transmitting live from Tienneman Squre. Red flag? Can't video live in your most popular tourist destination. America will let go live at San Quinton.
• America never had to use a sword in a battle, yet we are the best.
• Costas is wearing a toupe. Chris Collinsworth is in Beijing for some reason. There must not be any former olympians with dimples.

Dunbar's Olympic Size Bits and Pieces

• All Olympics not in the eastern standard time zone should be forbidden.
• Discovered what intramural college "athletes" have long known, badminton is awesome and not simply for the sophemoric (sp?) innuendos.
• If Mariel Zagunis screamed every time she won a point against me, I would want to stab her harder with my sword.

• Thank you women for lowering your standards on what constitutes an attractive man. Us long faced gangy people salute you. However, you must still look like Jessica Biel.
• According to NBC/GE, Mongolia is responsible for China's deplorable air quality, not China's lack of air quality industrial standards that allow industries to billow minute particular matter and ozone into a sunken topographical area. Stupid Gobi Desert.
• Captivated by the different type of sweepers for various sports, sand sweepers, volleyball court sweepers. The coordinated badmitten sweeper with their super squeegies are favorite so far.