The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week One

First off, I’d like to apologize to my faithful readers for getting our Week One wrap-up posted late. Wish I had a good excuse that involved Jack Bauer, a case of Jack Daniels, some Cuban expats and buffalo wings (hey, it’s my dream, get your own), but I don’t. So to my loyal followers (hi, mom) and first time readers( might I add, you seem particularly good looking and intelligent today), I give you a belated welcome to college football 2009.

A quick primer on what I do: As the title implies, I’m HHR’s resident cynic. I’m the pessimist of our group, the one who knows that every silver lining has a dark cloud. If you’re looking for another fluff piece on Tim Tebow or just want your SportsCenter-friendly six-second soundbites on the Top 25, you’ve got the wrong place. But if you’re interested in going deeper, seeing the seamy underbelly of the college football world, then follow me down the rabbit hole.

Self portrait of The Cynic. Well, at least I’ve got the hair right.

A PAINFUL START

Last Thursday’s South Carolina/North Carolina State game may have been the worst game I’ve ever seen. Look, I love defense and a 7-3 slugfest between two dominant defenses would thrill me. But a 7-3 game that’s the result of two completely inept offenses is a very different story. The two teams combined for just 389 yards, 12 punts and 5 turnovers on downs. Out of 22 drives, only 3 went for more than 50 yards and 13 went for 5 or less plays. But on the bright side, my ophthalmologist says the ice pick didn’t do any permanent damage to my eyes.

Oh, Fun ‘n Gun, why have you forsaken me?!

WORST. DEBUT. EVER.

When Sports Illustrated decided to do four different covers for its college football preview edition, you just knew that one of them was going to get smacked down in Week One. Unfortunately for Oregon, SI decided to dole out a quadruple dose of cover jinx hurt on the Ducks. There were plenty of people, myself included, who thought Oregon had a real shot to dethrone USC in the PAC 10 this year. And then the season kicked off. Lost in the over-coverage of RB LeGarrette Blount’s postgame punch was the fact that Oregon coach Chip Kelly had one of the worst first games in recent memory. The game wasn’t as close as the 19-8 score would indicate. Boise State completely controlled the game (outgaining Oregon 361 to 152) against a Duck team that clearly was not ready for primetime. Kelly now faces the unenviable task of getting his team refocused after embarrassing themselves on national TV and losing their best offensive player in the process. You know things have officially gone south when you end up on Texts From Last Night:

(541): Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading

Wonder how much Phil Knight would pay to never be on the cover again?

NCAA FLAG FOOTBALL

To paraphrase Alfred, Lord Tennyson: Tis better to have played and lost than never to have played at all. This is a lesson that Division II St. Paul’s College (VA) learned the hard way this week when they had to forfeit their season opener against West Virginia Wesleyan. The reason? No helmets or pads. St. Paul’s claimed that they’ve just been practicing in shorts and t-shirts and had ordered new equipment, but it wouldn’t be ready before the game. To add insult to injury, St. Paul’s is now on the hook for a cancellation penalty in their contract, and West Virginia Wesleyan say they will go after St. Paul’s to reimburse them for 40 hotel rooms for which they had to pay.

100 years of helmets. You’d think that’d be something on the “to do before the season starts” list.

BLOCK ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. BLOCK ME TWICE . . .

Has there ever been a crazier seven-second roller coaster ride than the one to which I-AA Northern Iowa was subjected last week? The Panthers were one field goal kick away from knocking off #22 Iowa (high). Then Iowa blocked the field goal (low). But Northern Iowa recovered the ball with one second left, giving them another shot (super high). But Iowa blocks the kick . . . again (boot to the groin low). All within seven seconds. Let’s hope UNI coach Mark Farley spent a little more time than that working on special teams this week.

For all my new readers, one final disclaimer: I always try to close my posts on a brighter note. A little under-the-radar story that brings hope to the college football world. So here goes. . .

A RAY OF ORANGE SUNSHINE

While Boise State and BYU both did their best to prove my preseason “no undefeated non-BCS teams” prediction wrong, nobody had a bigger week than the Oklahoma State Cowboys. How big was the Oklahoma State/Georgia game? A week ago Sunday (as in six days before the game), I drove through Stillwater, OK (with the obligatory stop at Eskimo Joe’s) and saw a guy on the corner by the stadium holding up an “I Need Tickets” sign. When the scalpers are already out working a week ahead of time, you know it’s a big deal. For the last year, Big 12 fans have heard how the Big 12 couldn’t compete with a real SEC defense. So it had to do Cowboy fans good to see their team, which struggled on defense (to say the least) last year, step up and out-defense Georgia. Georgia took the opening drive 80 yards for TD, and people started thinking “here we go again.” But that and a third quarter field goal represented the only two times UGA crossed midfield. On a day when OSU’s potent offense was clearly not clicking on all cylinders, the Cowboy defense held Georgia to just 257 total yards, all in the cozy confines of T. Boone Pickens’ new $300 million stadium. Granted, Georgia clearly missed Matthew Stafford and Knowshon Moreno. But OSU proved to be more than able to handle this year’s Dawgs. If their defense can continue to play at this level, you now have to include Oklahoma State as a legitimate title contender.

Not sure it was a $300 million win, but it was a very good one.

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Lou Holtz's Next Trick

Tired of debating nonsense with Mark May only on Saturdays in the fall, Lou Holtz wants to take his arguing skills to the next level by going toe-to-toe with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi day in and day out. It seems the Notre Dame relic is exploring a run for Congress in Florida.

The coach is interested in leading another turnaround. This time for team-GOP after two dismal election seasons. We will wait to see if this motivational leader has another trick up his sleeve to pull off an election win over an incumbent and deliver a 218-217 victory.

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Redneck Sports Gifts for Your Southern Gent

GOP incumbent André Bauer, Lt. Governor of the great state of South Carolina, is not running for re-election. He is however, raising money for him campaign account. To that end, Bauer, the country's youngest LG, has put together a very classy website, "André Bauer Presents A Carolina Christmas: Unique Gifts for your Southern Gent."


The site hocks such unique gifts from "hunting trips, to archival prints, to driving a race car, to romantic get-aways...There's something for everyone, but only a few exclusive items."

• Deer/hog hunt for two. $1500.
• Wingshooting for three. $1000.
• Striper fishing for two. $500.
• Signed #3 mini-poster. $200. (SOLD OUT) (Ed Note: Dale Murphy?)
  
• Scale model #00 car. $100.
• Jeff Gordon Racing School. $1000.
• A day at the races with André. (Only two spots available.)

Noticably missing from the items up for grab were:

• Larry the Cable Guy's Greatest Hits.
• An evening with Ronnie Milsap.
• Spurrier-Inspired USC "Baby Cocks" DVDs
  

H/T Palmetto Scoop

UF Columnist is Not Amused by Gator Nation's Sophomoric Humor

While the Gators left a bad taste in the 'Cocks mouths this Saturday, hammering the 'Cocks 56-6, going into the weekend, one Florida pundit was not amused by Gator fans' reference to their opponent's Cocky nickname.

Cocks.

'Beat the Cocks' needs to beat it

Every year, without fail, my eyes are subjected to UF fans holding signs with that sophomoric drivel or some variant thereof — “Spurrier loves the Cocks,” perhaps, or “Block the Cocks.”

Enough already. We get it. They’ve probably been putting that catchphrase on T-shirts since before your parents were born.

If any of you bring those signs to Saturday's game, you’re no better than the opposing fans who bring the oh-so-trite "Teabag Tebow” messages into The Swamp or the countless Southeastern Conference fans who get joy out of adding “-eaux” to every word in their signs the week of an LSU game.

Gators fans are supposed to be better than that, supposed to be above the commonplace abuse that every other school surely throws in the Gamecocks’ direction. I know you can do better.

Sure you beat the hell out of the Cocks this weekend. But you're better than that, Gainsvillians. You're supposed to be the cock of the walk.

What? No (Chris) Smelley 'Cock reference?

Rev Picks 'Em: Week Eight

For all you sports betting fiends out there, Rev switches up the pick ems this week, now offering picks based on weekly college football odds.

CONNECTICUT (-1 ½) at Rutgers: The Scarlet Knights have to be considered the poster children for the ineptitude of the Big East conference this year in college football. Since knocking off then #3 Louisville in 2006, Rutgers has stumbled badly to an 11-12 overall record. With no Ray Rice to lean on, senior QB Mike Teel has played poorly, completing only 55% of his passes and has a paltry 3-7 TD to INT ratio. Connecticut was exposed in their 38-12 loss at North Carolina, but after a bye last week they should bounce back strong against one of the weakest teams (outside of Syracuse) in the Big East.

Michigan at # 3 PENN STATE (-23 ½): This pains me to write, but I have very little faith in this Michigan squad – so little hope, that I’m not even tempted by the 23 ½ points they’ll be getting at Happy Valley. Penn State has speed everywhere on offense and are scoring way too often (317 points on the season thus far) for Michigan’s beleaguered defense to handle. In losses to Notre Dame and Illinois, Michigan gave up 35 and 45 points, respectively. After Penn State’s rout of Wisconsin last week (48-7), I don’t think Penn State will have too much trouble scoring.

Western Michigan Broncos at CENTRAL MICHIGAN (+1 ½): With both teams entering this contest undefeated in conference play, the outcome of this game will go a long way toward determining the MAC champion this year. QB Tim Hiller leads Western Michigan with over 2,000 yards passing and 23 TDs this far into the season. Central Michigan on the other hand, doesn’t score a ton of points or put up gaudy numbers, but they do just enough to hang around and win games late. In the four games since their 56-17 blowout loss at then #2 Georgia, the Chippewas have gone 3-1 with an average margin of victory of 5.0 points. Considering their games are usually close, I’m going to take the underdog at home and run with the points.

#18 NORTH CAROLINA (-4 ½) at Virginia: I love UNC here. In just year two under Butch Davis, the Tarheels will challenge for top-dog status in the ACC as the season goes on. They face a Virginia team that has won two straight after early season struggles, but I just don’t think the Cavaliers stand much of a chance. Virginia’s averaging just 17.0 points a game vs. UNC’s 31.8. Did I mention I love UNC?
#11 Ohio State at #17 MICHIGAN STATE (+3 ½) So far, no team has been able to hold down the Spartans’ super running back Javon Ringer – but then again, the Spartans haven’t played a team that is as good against the run as Ohio State. With the loss of DE Lawrence Wilson, the Buckeyes may be tempted to bring 8 men into the box to stop Ringer, and that may open things up just enough for MSU QB Brian Hoyer to hit some quick, intermediate routes downfield. Of course, Michigan State will likely be forced to do the same to stop OSU RB Beanie Wells, so much of the Buckeyes’ success will depend on how freshman QB handles his first true test against a top-flight opponent on the road. This one should be close, so I’m taking the Spartans and the points at home.

MIAMI (-4 ½) at Duke: Duke is one of the feel-good stories of the season in year one of coach David Cutcliffe’s stewardship. Cutcliffe is a fantastic offensive schemer and play caller – for proof, look at what his absence has meant to the Tennessee Volunteers this year. However, I expect Miami’s raw athletic ability will far outclass that of Duke; plus, the ‘Canes are 0-2 thus far in ACC conference play, so they should be out hungry for a win in this one.

ARKANSAS (+7 ½) at Kentucky: Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino returns to Lexington sporting a spotless record against the ‘Cats, having gone 4-0 vs. UK during his days at the helm of Louisville. Kentucky has an outstanding defense, but their offense is almost non-existent – they had 4 take-aways last week and still lost to South Carolina, 24-17. Compounding problems for UK is the loss of senior WR Dicky Lyons to a season-ending knee injury - without their top WR target available, the Cats seemingly will be very one dimensional from here on out. If Arkansas stops the run this weekend, they have a very real chance to win this game outright. That, and you know Petrino will have something devious cooked up for his former in-state rival.

#13 LSU at SOUTH CAROLINA (+2 ½): LSU was flat embarrassed last week against Florida, losing by 30 in the Swamp. Taking cues from that game, South Carolina’s superb defense will look to put a ton of pressure on LSU’s inexperienced QB tandem of Jarrett Lee and Andrew Hatch and force them into multiple turnovers. Plus, now that the ol’ Ball Coach has (for the time being) settled around the talented Stephen Garcia as his starting QB, the reins may be loosened a bit on the Gamecocks’ here-to-now bottled-up offense. I think they have a real shot at springing the upset outright in this one.

#25 CALIFORNIA (-2 ½) at Arizona: Outside of a no-show performance in their loss at Maryland, Cal is quietly enjoying a solid start to their season out West. The only remaining unbeaten in the PAC-10, Cal is ringing up 39.4 points per game. The numbers, meanwhile, say Arizona tops that with an average of 40.1 points a game – but if you throw out their 70-0 blowout of Idaho to open the season, Arizona’s scoring per game average drops to 34.2. Cal looks to be a little more balanced offensively than the pass happy Wildcats, and the Bears running game should grind them out a win this weekend in the desert.

#11 Mizzou at #1 TEXAS (-5 ½): Mizzou is coming off a crushing and unexpected loss at the hands of Oklahoma State last week. With this weekend’s matchup with #1 Texas next on the slate, it’s fair to say that it’s panic time in Columbia right now. Two losses in conference doesn’t necessarily kill their season, but it just may end any talk that the Tigers could play for the national championship. The number #1 ranking hasn’t been kind to those who’ve worn it this year, and Texas will have a big target on their backs this week against a desperate Mizzou squad. That aside … did you watch the Texas-Oklahoma game? Texas is pretty good – better than Mizzou, in my opinion. I’m taking the ‘Horns and giving 5 ½ here.

Spurrier Looking to Employ 2002 Fun & Gun vs. #2 Georgia

Here's a CFB story only Redskins fans could truly appreciate...

From the AP/Sporting News:

Steve Spurrier's newest strategy for No. 2 Georgia? Two quarterbacks and a bunch of young receivers [emphasis mine].

South Carolina's coach ended much of the mystery as to which of the quarterbacks would start against the Bulldogs (2-0). He said he would probably play both Tommy Beecher and Chris Smelley.

I think the Palmetto Scoop's Adam Fogle lays out just how optimistic this strategy is:

The Head Ball Coach announced today that he would go to a two-quarterback system against the University of Georgia this weekend, hoping to rebound from a catastrophic loss to Vanderbilt. Those two quarterbacks will be Chris Smelley and Tommy Beecher, who have combined for a woeful six interceptions in two games.

Should we be surprised? This is the same ball coach that swore an NFL team would be just fine going to the mat with the 3-headed monster of Danny Wuerfell, Shane Matthews and Patrick Ramsey. We all know how that little experiment turned out.

Hang on tight, Cock fans. You're in for a helluva ride.

Gamecocks' Leading Scorer Arrested

Devan Downey, an all SEC pick last year as a Soph, averaging 18 ppg and leading the team in assists and steals, was arrested Monday and charged with simple assault.

Leo DiCaprio Loves the Cocks

The Palmetto Scoop's Adam Fogle points out this screen shot of the Future Ex-Mrs. Tom Brady's stalker sporting a USC cap at the Celts game last night.

'Cock Fighter Charged

The AP is reporting that 6'4" 320-pound South Carolina offensive lineman Kevin Young was charged with fighting, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

It cannot be confirmed whether his unnamed opponent, described as "not a football player," was sponsored by Pedro Martinez, Juan Marichal or Cosmo Kramer.