Lindros announces retirement (and that he refuses to play for the Nordiques this season and fish have feelings like people)
(Let this be a lesson to you kids about the dangers of concussions)
Clemens eyes Astros — for (next fake) retirement (hand)job
McNabb says he's 'not fully to blame' for 3-5 (Reid and crack head kids are partly responsible)
Dodgers introduce Torre after 'whirlwind' ride (on Ventura Freeway with the top down and the wind gusting through our hair like high school seniors on the last day of…wait..what the hell was I talking about?)
Kobe, Lakers make Jazz latest victim (of rape…errr..consensual sex)
Brady’s clutch play (of Gisele’s meat curtains) cements his M(ost)V(aluable)P(enis) status
Johnson wins third straight (night), takes (poonani) Chase lead
Yanks ready to sweeten Posada offer (dinner, The Notebook AND a sensual massage)
Tampa Bay ends deal with the Devil (but God and bad decisions will ensure they suck for years to come)
Shula softens (stool and) stance (with some fig spread on nice soft wheat bread)
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