Jesus Endorses Guilliani; Mayor Hits Daytona

National Journal/Hotline on Call:

With polls showing Rudy Giuliani down his home state, the former New York City found a local slugger to go to bat for him.

New York Yankees centerfielder Johnny Damon stumped for Giuliani today at the Presidential Ballroom at Church Street.

• Daily News Q & A With Damon
• AP: Giuliani Laps Daytona Track in His Bus

Congressional MLB Witch Hunt Take 2

Roger Clemens, Brian McNamee, Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch and Kirk Radomski will be called to testify before the House Oversight Committee according to an AP report.

Yankees.com has verified the report, noting:

Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee have been asked to testify before the House Oversight Committee at a Jan. 16 hearing, according to an Associated Press report published Friday.

The Committee had already planned to conduct a hearing on the Mitchell Report on Jan. 15, but according to the AP, it extended the meetings to a second day, with Clemens, McNamee, Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch and Kirk Radomski asked to be in attendance.

HT: 1560 The Game's Sean and John

Shelley Duncan's Notebook is Back

And it's not pulling any punches, even when it comes to his own teammate.

Separated at Birth: Time Share Edition

While it is wrong to make light of the tragic DUI-death caused by Jimmy Leyritz, the one-time World Series hero bears a striking resmblence in his mug shot to MTV True Life and Jersey's own "Time Share Tommy."




Someone get him some f'n cheeseballs.

Headline: Clemens Took It in the Butt

This is the actual front page of the Trentonian (NJ) today. Untouched, and unphotoshoped...

(Not that there's anything wrong with that)


Yep, that's our local rag. So proud.

---

UPDATE! HHR Scoops SI? (12/20/07): Sign of the Apocalypse.

Suddenly Suzyn (doesn't feel well)

Let's just skip all the pleasantries and get right down to business. I am feeling a little under the weather. Yesterday was a long, exhausting day and I got no sleep last night. My head is pounding.

The entire world has given their opinion on what went down yesterday afternoon and now it’s time for Suze to weigh in on the subject. For better or worse, yesterday will rank up there with Lou Gehrig’s farewell speech, Babe Ruth retiring, Thurman Munson day, and Citibank Hat day as a pivotal turning point for this franchise.

The Yankees finalized the A-Rod deal, and I couldn’t be happier.

What a great day to be a Yankee fan! Alex Rodriguez is going to be in pinstripes for the rest of his career. He will break Barry Bond’s homerun record as a Yankee. He will go into the Hall of Fame as a Yankee. He will be mentioned in the same breath as other Yankee Hall of Famers like Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte. Years from now he will be the main attraction when Old Timer's Day comes around and he is surrounded by other integral pieces of the Yankee dynasty. Guys like Mike Stanton, Chuck Knoblauch, and Dave Justice, who played important roles in several Yankee championships. I’ve reserved my Old Timer's day tickets for then next decade.

It was truly a historic day.

I was ecstatic, but for some reason, everyone from the organization seemed a bit nervous yesterday. Mr. Brian was preparing for the Mitchell Report at 2pm. I am not one for MSNBC news shows (although that Anderson Cooper could spin me in a 360 any day), or news in general, so I went out with a couple of girls from administration and we partied for the rest of the afternoon. Let’s just say those Peppermint Twists go down a little too smooth. Just like Ole’ Suze. (I AM SO DEVILISH!)

Until next time,

Suze

Suddenly Suzyn: Suze's Take on Santana

Welcome back everyone to another addition of Suddenly Suzyn. Or as I like to refer to it 'here comes Suze with the Yankee news you can use." Like it? I am trying out new catchphrases for next season. I've narrowed it down to that or Suzy Shootin Shit. Let me know what you think.

I hope all my readers had a fantastic Thanksgiving. I know I certainly did. It's not every day I get to kick back, unloosen the belt on my Fashion Bug slacks, and gorge myself on turkey and all the fixings. Feasts like this only come around on Thanksgiving, during Chanakau, on road trips, sunday night all you can eats, and whenever my co-host John Sterling picks up the tab. (I am kidding Johnny, you know I love you. Maybe I could talk a little more this season? No? Ok, well I'll let you think about it over the winter.)

I'd like to discuss the rumblings regarding the Yankees and their pursuit of Minnesota Twins pitcher Johan Santana. Now, being a Yankee broadcaster, I would be the last to criticize any of the moves of the front office, coaching staff, players, concession stand managers or parking lot attendants. That's just not how we do things here in the boogie down Bronx (my nephew taught me that phrase. Isn't that adorable?) But in my heart of hearts I don't think this is a smart move for the Yankees.

My main issue with the Santana deal is that he is much too young. He will be 29 in March. That's just not enough major league experience for my liking. We need someone older and more sturdy. Someone, nearing their forties with one good year left in the tank. Didn't Joe Girardi say at this first press conference that he will except nothing less than winning the World Series this season? Then wouldn't the team benefit from a pitcher saving his best for last then someone who might be good for the next four or five seasons. Forget the future, win now!

And let's look at the free agent pool. When names like Clemens, Pettitte, Wells, Weaver, and Lieber are available, you shouldn't have to think twice to sign anyone of those former Yankee aces. Hell we could sign them all and have the 2003 staff all over again. I don't mean to curse but I just don't know how we can let proven pinstripers like that pass us by. Maybe they will be mid-season signings and they can announce them one by one from Hank Steinbrenners box. OH MY GOODNESS (get a hold of yourself Suze. You're not Walter Kronkite but you are a journalist. Excuse me 'journal-woman.' )

I think the smart move would be to let Santana sign with the Red Sox. Think about all the pitchers they will have. Santana, Beckett, Dice-K, Schilling, Lester, Buckholz, Wakefield. That's too many. THEY WILL NEVER KNOW WHO TO START! Oh god, sometimes I am just so devilish, I can't help it.

Well, that's all for this week. I am trying to set up an interview with GM Brian Cashman, but I just can't get his timing down and he is never in the men's room when I check.

Toodles,
Suzyn Waldman

I Thought You Said That You Was Alright Spida

Read this interview in SI with Michael "Spider" Imperioli:

Q&A: Michael Imperioli

Aside from being shocked that he is 41, I was highly impressed and amsused.

Particularly liked this quote:

"In acting, everything is OK. If it's all right that I put someone's head through a window, than I guess it's OK to wear a Met uniform."

That's called a professional, Ben Affleck. Mumbling, stuttering, little f*ck.



--

Update!

Painting compliments of Harvey_Bars at Yardbarker and Tirico Suave.

"Look at this. It's beautiful. One dog goes one way and the other goes the other. One's facing east, the other west. He's saying, 'Whaddya want from me?'"

Those who can’t do, teach…

Joe Girardi has named his coaching staff for the 2008 season.

Hitting coach Kevin Long and first-base coach Tony Pena will return, while Dave Eiland has been promoted to pitching coach. Rob Thomson becomes the new bench coach, and both third-base coach Bobby Meacham and bullpen coach Mike Harkey -- both members of Girardi's 2006 Marlins' coaching staff -- have joined New York.

Is this a coaching staff or the JoeSportsFan worthless card All-Stars?

Suddenly Suzyn

Hello readers and welcome back to another edition of Suddenly Suzyn.

I don’t care what the calendar says but today, November 17th, is Christmas Day. (For all of my Jewish brethren, it’s like the first day of Hanukah, with a big week ahead). I wish you all could see me today because I am beaming. I haven’t even begun to sandblast on my makeup but my face is painted with a smile.

OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS I CAN’T HOLD IT IN ANYMORE!! I have huge news for everyone. I could get in some trouble with management for this but it’s too good to keep to myself. I can’t name sources but it comes to me on good authority that the Yankees are once again negotiating the great Alex Rodriguez. Now, I can’t say who told me but let me tell you it’s someone with his finger on the pulse of the Yankee organization.

The Yankees are scheduled to sit down with A-Rod, and his agent Scott Boras, and hammer out a deal sometime in the next few days. I’ve tried to get word from some of the coaching staff and players, but Joe Torre and Roger Clemens have yet to return my calls.

This is just a quick post because I have to do some, what we in the biz call, ‘investigative journalism’. When all of the major news outlets break this story just remember you got it from Ole’ Suze here first. I am not going to sleep until I have answers for Yankee fans.

Until then, take care.

Suze

---

Click here for Suze's take on NY's hiring of Joe G.

Application for the Nation

This was an email forwarded to me by my close (but gloating) Sox friend Bosis. I found it amusing. FYI to Sox Nation- If the Yanks do eventually return to a World Series and actually win, Sox fans are in for a ton a shit. It's not going to be pretty. This man crush the media has on all things Boston related is just aggitating now. And payback won't even be clever like this email. It will just be a solid punch to the face. Your mom won't even see it coming.

NEW YORK YANKEES TO BOSTON RED SOX CONVERSION FORM

Thank you for your interest in becoming a member of the Boston Red Sox Fan Club. Due to an unprecedented volume of requests, we are currently processing only fan conversion registrations for New York Yankee fans. Conversion requests from other teams will be accepted once all Yankee requests are processed. We expect this to take a number of weeks based upon the current backlog of requests.

Please take a few moments to fill out the conversion form below to help us get to know you better and prescribe any required counseling to recover from > your previous fan experience.

Name: _______________________________
Address:______________________________
Who's Your Daddy: ____________________

1. Please select your favorite recent Yankee new player acquisition:
[ ] Roger Clemens $20 million, six wins, one groin pull
[ ] Alex Rodriquez $92 million, no title, Ha!
[ ] Derek Jeter $123 million since last won world series
[ ] Jason Giambi $91 million, no title, lots of roid sweat
[ ] Carl Pavano $27 million, five wins

2. Which of the following would you most like to see as the most played
YES Network "Great Moments in Yankee History" film clip in 2008:
[ ] Rivera's "shocking" blown save in Game 4, 2004
[ ] Rivera's "shocking" blown save in Game 5, 2004
[ ] The awesome wild card clincher celebration
[ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 1
[ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 2
[ ] Jeter's first GIDP
[ ] Jeter's second GIDP
[ ] Jeter's third GIDP

3. Please indicate the last book you read:
[ ] Someday, in my lifetime, the Yankees will get to the LCS
[ ] Suicide Hotline - It's not just for Cubs' fans anymore
[ ] The Heimlich Maneuver -- What to do when choking

4. Which recent Yankees personnel move did you enjoy most:
[ ] Not winning the posting for Matsuzaka
[ ] Winning the posting for Kei Igawa

5. Which following designation best describes Derek Jeter's performance in this year's ALDS:
[ ] Captain Intangibles
[ ] Captain GIDP
[ ] Captain & Tenille

6. Please choose your favorite movie:
[ ] Anger Management
[ ] Hunt for Red October
[ ] Damned Yankees
[ ] Still We Believe

7. Finish this sentence: "Alex Rodriquez is
a. overrated
b. overpaid
c. overdue
d. overly prissy
e. over

8. Select the most vociferous, stupid, and annoying Yankee fan:
[ ] Washed up "comic" hack and Yanks personal ballwasher Billy Crystal
[ ] Front-running celebrity phony Jack Nicholson
[ ] Tim McCarver

9 .Are you ready to admit that:
a. Ted Williams was better than Joe DiMaggio?
b. Carlton Fisk was better than Thurman Munson?
c. Even Manny Ramirez is faster than Bernie Williams?
d. Reggie Jackson was a better outfielder than Matsui?
e. Derek Jeter has less range than a kumquat
f. No self-respecting parasite would invade Jason Giambi?

10. Please indicate your favorite moments in Yankee history: (Check all that apply):
[ ] Alex Rodriquez is traded to the Yankees
[ ] Don Mattingly never wins a World Series
[ ] The Yankees let Clemens get away
[ ] The Yankees get Clemens back
[ ] Giambi's steroid abuse causes his body to collapse like a screen door in a hurricane.
[ ] The bugs eat Joba

11 . Have you experienced any of the following after the embarrassing four
game collapse? (Check all that apply)
[ ] Headache
[ ] Uncontrol led An ger
[ ] Heartache
[ ] Holes punched in doors or walls
[ ] Nausea
[ ] Smashed TV screens
[ ] Depression and Broken Dreams
[ ] Avoided Red Sox fans for days or weeks

Once you have completed this form, please forward it to Fenway Park. Then burn all your remaining Yankee clothing, memorabilia, and associated reminders. After reviewing your request, the Red Sox Fan Club will contact you with notification of acceptance or rejection.

I hereby acknowledge that the real "curse" is being a Yankee Fan.

I hereby renounce the New York Yankees for all eternity on this the ______
day of ________________, 200__

(This is a credit to whoever wrote this email. Well done. Douche)

Fat Willard reads (between) the headlines

Lindros announces retirement (and that he refuses to play for the Nordiques this season and fish have feelings like people)
(Let this be a lesson to you kids about the dangers of concussions)

Clemens eyes Astros — for (next fake) retirement (hand)job

McNabb says he's 'not fully to blame' for 3-5 (Reid and crack head kids are partly responsible)

Dodgers introduce Torre after 'whirlwind' ride (on Ventura Freeway with the top down and the wind gusting through our hair like high school seniors on the last day of…wait..what the hell was I talking about?)

Kobe, Lakers make Jazz latest victim (of rape…errr..consensual sex)

Brady’s clutch play (of Gisele’s meat curtains) cements his M(ost)V(aluable)P(enis) status

Johnson wins third straight (night), takes (poonani) Chase lead

Yanks ready to sweeten Posada offer (dinner, The Notebook AND a sensual massage)

Tampa Bay ends deal with the Devil (but God and bad decisions will ensure they suck for years to come)

Shula softens (stool and) stance (with some fig spread on nice soft wheat bread)

Suddenly Suzyn

First, I’d like to thank the guys at HHR for giving this little girl a chance. It’s an honor to be here, but it’s also an honor I feel I’ve earned. I am hoping this turns into a regular feature where I can voice my opinion on a myriad of different sports topics.

Now that all the dust as settled, I’d like to discuss the hiring of Joe Girardi as manager of the New York Yankees. I first met Joe in 1995 when he was traded to the New York Yankees from the Colorado Rockies for a bag of baseballs labeled ‘Mike DeJean’ with a black Sharpie. Joe was so nice to me the first time we met he….he…(hold yourself together Suze. This is a new audience, they don’t know you yet.)

He was so nice that he told me…..BAWWWWW HAAAAAAA…..(sobbbbbb)….he told me anytime I needed an interview he would oblige. What a great, great guy.

(Sniff. Sniff.)

I remember when he left the Yankees to return to his original team the Cubbies in 2000. It was so hard on his family. They came with him to pack his locker after the season and…..(it hurts. Eyes hurt. Holding it in.) They did fine that day and so did I.

As a Cub, Girardi announced to the fans at Wrigley Field that the game on June 22, 2002 versus the Cardinals had been canceled, though he did not announce that the cancellation was prompted by Darryl Kile's passing. (Good job Suze, Kile wasn’t a Yankee, he doesn’t deserve your tears.)

This past season, I had the chance to work with Girardi on a professional level while he was with the YES Network. We would get together after I finally cornered him by the buffet table and we would discuss the team and all of the stats and information I screwed up on the radio on a daily basis.

Joe was there the game Roger Clemens showed up in George Steinbrenner’s booth and he……well it was a……and….(come on Suze…..COME ON….think happy thoughts. Yankee baseball. Broadway show tunes. Sitting around as a kid watching the games on WPIX with dad. Laughing at the playful banter between Bill White and Phil Rizz…Phil Ri…zzu…to OH GOD SCOOTER YOU WENT TOO SOON!!!!!!!)

Well, I wish Joe the best of luck. Next week, I will discuss Joe Torre’s hiring in LA and taking Bowa and Donnie Baseball with him…and….

(Oh god….)

Till next time,

Suzyn Waldman

Peter King makes assumptions

Peter King, MMQB: Can you believe Julius Peppers is sackless in five games? That's like A-Rod being homerless in the playoffs.

A-Rod:



By my count that's 7 HR's in 147 at bats over 39 career playoff games. Julius Peppers should complain about this malicious hit.

-posted by the chief

Here's a Guy Who's Free of Frank TV

As far as baseball is concerned, today I am a free man. Free from the Yankees in the postseason, and free from them in the next regular season, should Steinbrenner actually follow through and release the best manager in baseball. But most importantly, today I am free of Frank TV. With the subtly and nuance of a roundhouse kick to the neck, TBS pitched this show relentlessly. I've kicked seen orphaned puppies who look less desperate. At the close of every inning, during pitching changes, between twelve packs - there he was mailing in a Jack Nicholson or Joe Pesci impression. But something sinister happened: he became a fixture during events I associated with great joy - the Sox sweep, the Yankees loss, The "We-Won!" sexings of the wife - all of it. Frank became the last voice I heard before falling asleep, and unfortunately my first thought when I woke up. Clearly I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome - eventually commenting favorably during the George Bush impressions, or voicing satisfaction with a Robin Williams mimic. I began to wonder: who is this man, this chameleon of celebrity, this Fort Knox of comic gold?! Mercifully, just as I was sucked in, the ALDS and NLDS ended with three sweeps and a quick Yankees exit. And because the ALCS is on Fox, no more scrolling to that mystery channel TBS is on to see him impersonate Dustin Hoffman. No more f'n teasers of a blubbering John Madden wielding a baseball bat. We get it, he's heavily medicated and linguistically disoriented. Hilariously so.

The irony of it all is that the best impersonation on TBS is performed by Jose Mota, who consistently and eerily channels Eddie Murphy's Undercover White Guy. I eagerly await his sketch show, debuting in November of 2008.



-posted by the cheif

Never...I said NEVER

I usually leave stuff like this to the experts, like Awful Announcing , but I had to mention this little sound bite of stupidity.

Chip Caray, who has been uninformed, pompous and terrible, was discussing the Yankees bringing in Mussina to relieve Wang.

"Aside from a August appearance, Mike Mussina has never had a relief appearance."

He put a huge stress on the word never.

Ask Yankee, or even Red Sox fans, if Mussina has ever come in for a relief appearance and they will mutter something about a Game 7 in New York, and an idiot named Grady Little and an extra inning homerun by a third baseman hitting like .190 on the season....well....it doesn't matter. Mussina has come in in relief before. But Chip said NEVER so we will trust him because he has mounds of papers and stats in front of him and we have our little tiny brains.

Wait two minutes.

"Mussina does have one relief appearance in the playoffs."

Oh, so by NEVER, Caray meant one.

Jimmy Fallon will eventually kill your franchise

I came across this little blurb on the NY Post Gossip section:

SIGHTING: Jimmy Fallon and Rangers Sean Avery and Brendan Shanahan at the Waverly Inn after the Blueshirts won their season home opener

I really thought nothing of it until I saw this on ESPN.com

Avery suffers separated shoulder after taking hit

Then I remembered reading this back in 2004 during the Sox run, the Yankee collapse and the abortion know as Fever Pitch.

"I was never really serious with one team. I was into the Mets because my Dad worked at IBM where he got free Mets tickets, so I was into the Mets ... then I got to "Saturday Night Live" where my boss has unbelievable N.Y. Yankees tickets, so he invites us to the games. I'm going to all the games, so I might as well root for the team I'm gonna go sit with. I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I'm really rooting for the Red Sox." -Jimmy Fallon

The first thing lesson in all this is all you need is a pair of premium seats and Fallon is your best friend and a fan of the home team toot-sweet. But let’s dig deeper.

Fallon claims he began a Mets fan, so he was about 12 when they won the World Series in 1986. At twelve years old, a kid is into sports but is probably more concerned with touching girl’s boobies or lighting things on fire. But he was still a fan. Since 1986, the Mets have done bump kiss except a few NLCS losses, a World Series appearance (more on that in a second) and a fluky “worst collapse in baseball history.”

Fallon’s tenure on SNL ran from 1998-2006, in which he was a Yankee fan till that 2004 quote. So he was “rooting for them” during two World Series victories, two series losses to Arizona and Florida and a couple first round exits. One of those World Series wins was against Fallon’s first team, the New York Mets. When you are putting the kibosh on two teams, one must lose, usually the team you killed for so long (in this case, the Mets.)

Don’t believe that theory? Fine, let’s look at 2004 where Fallon’s new-old team (Yankees) lost to his new-new team (Sox) in historic fashion. It would have been a normal loss if Fallon wasn’t filming a movie about being a tortured Sox fan. The premise being his love for a team that always breaks his heart and loses. And we know the baseball god’s love irony so they had to let the Sox win the World Series. Since then? A 2005 ALDS loss to the White Sox and a 2006 playoff no-show last season.

If Fallon shows up at an ALCS game wearing a Sox, Yankees or Indians hat all hell could break loose. But luckily for those fan bases, Jimmy has now turned his attention to hockey.

According to SI.com, the Rangers are a preseason favorite for Atlantic Conference champs and a Stanley Cup appearance.

This could either mean a Rangers Stanley Cup win or a huge disappointment; beginning with…oh I don’t know…a separated shoulder for a key player.

Still don’t believe me? Ask Horatio Sanz and IBM.

A-Rod only player to suit up for Yankees

According to Yahoo sports, A-Rod was the sole reason the Yankees lost to the Indians 2-1 in Game 2 of the ALDS.

The rest of the team had much more productive 0-4 nights, including an 0-5 Damon and Matsui and Posada leaving two runners on a piece.

Yankees had three hits tonight in 11 innings. Eight hits in two games. A-Rod's fault.

Oh and those Joba curveballs in the dirt...A-Rod's fault.

Those crazy bugs...fourth of the ten plagues of A-Rod.


"It feels so good when he jokes."

photo courtesy of Bugs and Cranks

A-Baby

A-Rod, wife expecting second child

It's in the belly of a stripper in Toronto. RIMSHOT! But seriously folks, this is bad news for A-Rod haters. Nothing takes your mind off of work like thinking about how you are going to feed another kid when you make a measly $25 million a year. And how is A-Rod going to find time to cheat? He will only have road trips.

This is trouble for the Indians. You don't want an unfocused A-Rod. He will kill you. Grady and his ladies want A-Rod as focused and overthinking this series as much as possible.

This Lion has heart (if only his manager had a brain)

Thanks to our friends at 100% Injury Rate for the pic.

From the Verducci report:

"The Joba Rules have expired. The Yankees will use reliever Joba Chamberlain in back-to-back games this week as a dry run for how he'll be used in October. The Yankees will now limit his work based on pitch counts, not innings or appearances. And with all the off days in the new postseason schedule, Chamberlain should be available almost anytime Torre needs him."

I understand Joba is a special kid. I get that he could be the Yankees future #3 (or #2 depending on Phil Hughes) and I am witness to Torre and his (mis)use of the bullpen. But does this even need to be discussed? The Yankees are fighting for possibly the division and the playoffs are a week away. Here is Joba's status...

ALWAYS AVAILABLE.

Unless he pitches an incredible amount of innings for consecutive days, his status is...

ONE FOOT OUT THE BULLPEN DOOR

Depending on how many bench players make the playoff roster, Torre will have to choose for his bullpen (not counting starters) from this bunch: Bruney, Farnsworth, Ramirez, Villone, Viscaino, Henn, Kennedy, Karstens and Rivera. This leaves Chamberlain...

SLEEPING ON THE F'N MOUND (JUST IN CASE)

There is a month left to the baseball year, depending how far the Yankees go. Joba has five months to rest and rehab. He is also 22 years old. When I was 22, I could throw six games of wiffle ball, do thirteen keg stands, work out for eleven hours and get a total of two hours sleep in a week...pop a couple Advil and I was right as rain in the morning.

He will survive. Without him, the Yankees won't.

-posted by Fat Willard