ONE! One Effeminate Quarterback...Ah Ah Ah

Thanks, Dean.

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US Weekly Implies Tom Brady Has a Baby Peesh?

Caption reads, "...Baby Benjamin displayed what might be his resemblance to dad TOM BRADY."

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Jamele Hill and Skip Bayless Still Obsessed with Sexy Quarterbacks

Obviously, Hill and Bayless are basing their judgment on little more than their attraction to the quarterbacks.

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"We'll Fackin Look at Whoeva We Wanna Fackin Look At"

From today's Boston Globe:

Police from communities across the state have repeatedly tapped into the state's criminal records system to improperly access information on celebrities and "high-profile citizens," according to a scathing audit released yesterday that also branded the system as obsolete and flawed.

Sports figures include: Tom Brady "968 times - seeking anything from his driver's license photo and home address, to whether he had purchased a gun" and "repeated searches and queries" on...Celtics star Paul Pierce, and Red Sox owner John Henry.

Photo: motorcops.com

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Have You Gotten Your BlogsWithBalls Tickets Yet?

John Kerry Suggests Not Breathing on Tom Brady

In a wide ranging, and surprisingly silly interview, former presidential candidate and current Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman John Kerry lets would-be pass-rushers opposing the New England Patriots know how things would be if he were president... for a moment:

Q: You’re president of the United States for enough time to make only one executive decision. What is it?
A: Any opposing player who sacks, tackles, touches, breathes on or looks directly at Tom Brady is declared an enemy combatant.

Now this scenario is unlikely to ever occur, but as Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, don't forget the fact that John Kerry has the power to write a sternly worded letter.

But he is correct in a sense. In order to protect our most treasured national treasures, we sometimes must impose sweeping and outlandish punishments to deter attacks. So the logical solution here is to put Brady under bulletproof glass and allow him to only be viewed at specific times in a controlled environment. If it's good enough for the constitution, it's damn good enough for Tom Brady.

Either that, or he could be encased in Carbonite a la Han Solo. He'd be shielded from contact and it probably wouldn't affect his mobility much at all.

[via Politco's Answer This]

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Wait Until Dreamboat Baby Gets Wind of This

Several months ago we pointed out the fact that Tom Brady's baby had a blog, dreamboatbaby.blogspot.com. Matter of fact, he's had one since before he was even born, and we've notified our HHR readers on here several times when he's updated.

If you've seen the blog at all, you'd know he has a little pet name for Gisele..."Umlaut."

Someone better warn Daulerio over at Deadspin that DBB isn't one to take lightly.

See my hand? That's called 'the bird.'

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Meet Matt Ass-Hell

I was waiting to see if this was updated on a more regular basis, but then figured why the hell not mention it now. You see, like you I was a HUGE fan of Tony Homo. Let's be honest - that overconfident, vulnerable, ignorant and insecure athletic voice is missed on the interwebs (aside from Peter King of course). Fortunately, Totally Tom Brady has found the internet in his spare time and given us the affectionately titled More Like Matt Ass-Hell.

If you've ever had multiple ligaments in one knee ripped from the bone and torn into shreds, you know just as well as I do - it fucking rules. There is no feeling like the adrenaline rush that comes when you rip your insides apart in public. It's like having surgery performed without anesthesia but you get to wear a helmet. That is some serious thrill-sauce, amigos. And this is coming from a guy who's banged supermodels while dangling from a helicopter over a shark tank filled with -yup, you guessed it - more supermodels. Totally insane-in-the-alfresco.

If nothing else, it reminds me of Tony Homo and that is like two thumbs way up -and the thumbs have burgers on them.

JET Brady Speaks

In case you were unaware, since even before his birth, the young spawn of Tom Brady has blogged and opined on all things that matter. He is equal parts confident and magnificent.

Today, however, things seem different. From Dreamboat Baby:

For once fellow citizens, I have no answers. This morning I do not feel like the pinnacle of man, the offspring of living gods, or the genetically perfect creation capable of miraculous healing and throwing footballs to the moon. No - this morning, like many of you, I woke up hoping it was a dream but all too quickly realized I had shit my pants yesterday. Mother knew something was wrong immediately when instead of the lavendar-scented golden treasures I usually leave in my silken diapers, I had instead crapped a pantload of Sacagawea dollars. I mean, you can't even give those things away.

To read the complete post, click here.

The Healing Powers of Hope

Here at HHR, we play fantasy football. That means you are going to hear about it.


For those of you like me who drafted Tom Brady late in the first round of your fantasy league, despite that feeling in your stomach that says "Stop it, You're being idiotic. All the warning signs are there! Run you ass!" I feel your pain. Why do we ignore this voice? It's so clear, so rational, and yet minutes later there we are with a strippers foot in our mouth and handing our wallet to the bouncer because he seems trustworthy .

First there was this.
Then This.
And this says nothing.
And now this?

People, this is serious. Last year Brandon Jacobs hollowed me out by getting hurt the first game of the season. Now every defender is going to be falling, stepping, or straight-up punching Brady's feet. I wouldn't be surprised if the Chief's Tank Tyler put two pieces of bread around Brady's foot and just started chewing. Not Good. There are too many possibilities for how Brady is going to injure his foot. It's like a cruel game of Clue.

Maybe what we need is to just put all the possibilities out there. Here at HHR we believe in harnessing the power/wisdom/misery of the collective. So we ask you - HOW IS TOM BRADY'S FOOT GOING TO BE INJURED?

Post your (plausible?) scenario in the comments. Should anyone actually get this right, perhaps there will be a prize. Like me choking your dog while you watch or something. Or a T-shirt. You decide.

Tom Brady's Baby Has a Blog

With permission, we're cross-posting the blog of Tom Brady's baby. Who is "the growing child of Tom Brady & Bridget Moynahan. I read at a collegiate level and my organs are made of gold." What was that? I'm what? No, YOU'RE mailing it in! No YOU are!

PiggyBack. Literally

You may have seen the now famous picture of me with Father and the Umlaut. What you might not realize is that I am not being carried by the Umlaut, but rather I am carrying her! Using my superior infant strength, I am putting her back in the vehicle that brought Her Skankness to our peaceful villa.

As you can see, Father and I are a perfect team, escorting a drunk and lightheaded Umlaut into a vehicle that will take her away from us at high speed. But every morning, there she is at our front door - passed out, oversexed, with several wallets and reeking of cough syrup. Think of it like the movie Homeward Bound, but instead of a cute dog finding his way home, its a retarded model with cocaine all over her face who can't be kept away.

Growth Note: Sucking on my pacifier actually pacifies others.

Picture Source: Flynet.

Don't Worry, Pats Fans

Gisele will be just fine according to E!:

It hasn't all been champagne and catwalk bouquets for Brazilian babe Gisele Bündchen—she parted ways with Victoria's Secret last year, and boyfriend Tom Brady just suffered a dynasty-crushing defeat at the Super Bowl.

But you can all breathe easy, the supermodel is bouncing back!

I'm sure you are all relieved.

Tom's lost some weight this off-season.

What Might Have Been

While much brouhaha has surrounded yesterday's circus in Congress, equally disturbing in relation to the sanctity of our sports is the revelation that came of Sen. Arlen Specter's meeting (yesterday as well) with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, which brought to light the fact that "from the time he became the Patriots' head coach in 2000 until the league slapped him with a $500,000," Patriots coach Bill Belichick has "routinely had the opponents' signals taped."

Initially, people were up in arms about Specter's meddling and perceived grandstanding in the "Spygate" affair. However, in our eyes there is little difference between the competitive advantages gained by cheating in any fashion - be it performing enhancing drugs or any other means.

As Fanhouse's Michael David Smith noted, "Specter also suggested that some of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady's success could have come from knowing what defense the opposing team was running."

Angelo Cataldi brought up a good point on WIP's morning show today. Like the premiss for Once Upon a Time in America, someone's life was stolen. Specifically, Brady's success inversely impacted that of Peyton Manning, whose Colts, not the NFC representative in the Super Bowl, were the front runners for the Lombardi Trophy. The dynasty that's associated with quarterbacking 3 of the last Super Bowls champions should have been Peyton's legacy.

While the last seven years have made Tom Brady a superstar and an icon, it was Peyton Manning who could have been knocking up Hollywood bombshells and dating super models.

So, Peyton, this is for you. A look at your life. At What Might Have Been.

I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads

We can't go back again
There's no use givin in
And theres no way to know
What might have been

We can sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past...

Say Hello to My Little Friend

This morning, the NY Post's Page 6 reported that "Boston police shut down Jeff Beacher and his crew of midgets and dwarfs as they performed at a Playboy Energy Drink event at The Estate," saying Beacher violated a Boston law that prevents "the promotion of albinos and midgets" - a politically correct statute that little people find patronizing, insulting and discriminatory."

Beacher reacted, "I think it's disgusting that Boston does not allow little people to perform in its city."

What's more disgusting is the selective enforcement of Boston officials who have no qualms about Tom Brady exploiting Wes Welker all year.

19-0...on Fantasy Island!

Victoria's Secret Doesn't Know Sexy, HHR Does

My friend called me this morning quite pissed off after hearing who Victoria's Secret put on there "What is Sexy?" list for 2008.

The retailer chose winners for a bunch of categories.... but the category that pissed off my friend was "Sexiest Male Athlete" being given to HHR's favorite whipping boy, Tony Romo.

I work with mostly women, and sometimes (ok, pretty much everyday) lunch conversation turns to gossip, which turns to the latest tales of Britney, Jessica, Paris, Nicole, etc. We all agree that Tony Romo isn't all that hot, for our tastes at least, and is somewhat overrated in the looks dept.

There are SO many other athletes that could have been chosen for the title, two that came to our minds as we discussed this on the phone this morning (yes, she called me at 8:30 to rant about this) were Tom Brady and David Beckham. And while they usually draw the most attention, its because, well, they are very good looking fellas with bangin bods (Ren - you know I love you.)

The list could seriously go on and on... especially considering personal tastes (I've always liked Matt Hasslebeck for some reason, and my Phillies BF Chase Utley), but I just want Victoria's Secret to admit that their choices had more to do with "who's popular" that who's really sexy.

Just some other "what the hell were they thinking" picks:

• Sexiest Mom: Victoria Beckham (Though after giving birth to Ren's spawn, I wouldn't mind dropping the weight like she did, but her body isn't human, so that is prob why it won't happen for me)
  
• Sexiest Funnyman: Dane Cook (though, I do prefer the more cleaned-up version he's been flaunting these days)
  
• Sexiest Couple: Fergie and Josh Duhamel (ok, he's hot, but she's scary... how about Tom and Gisele.... now she is hot)
  
• Sexiest Smile: Ryan Seacrest (hmmm, not too much to comment here)

However, in honor of this list, we at HHR would like to offer an appendix with some additional categories:

• Sexiest NFL ref: Ren's boy Ed Hochuli
  
• Sexiest Announcer: Kenny Albert
  
• Sexiest Internet-Sports-Search: Will Demps
  
• Sexiest Mascot: Phillie Phanatic
  
• Sexiest DWTS Contestant: Wayne Newton

Be Like Tom? Doubt it.

The normal school-boy crushes that folks like Madden and King have on Favre, Romo and the rest of the handsome QB club is alarming, but often taken out of context and twisted into more then what it really is; just the media pushing the wholesome, All-American football player.

But then this article is flat-out homosexual adoration.

Brady thrives in role as ‘stud of the NFL’

He smiles so easily and has that aw-shucks thing down so well you want to take a core sample of his brain to see what’s really going on inside the remarkable head of Tom Brady.

Look, I'll admit it. Most guys will admit it. Tom Brady is a good looking guy. We get it. We didn't need him holding baby goats for us to notice. But this article is probably better for the pages of the OUT! Football Issue then on a sports website.

This is what bothers me about this article. Celizic CHOSE this angle. He is a well known writer with an extensive and impressive career. (I just assume wearing that hat should bring with it a pretty good resume. It better bring a god damn Pulitzer to be able to pull it off.) The fact that he actually called his editors and said 'I am writing a story about how easily and handsomely Brady plays the game and how the other guys wish they were like him.' THAT is what bothers me.

Players don't want to be Tom Brady. I bet half the players don't even like Tom Brady. Sure he is a good guy, but he is the good looking, hot chick dating, modeling, millionaire, three Super Bowl winning QB of an undefeated team that could go down as the greatest of all time. The entire league would love nothing more than to see him get face planted into the turf. It's because they are competitors, and not fans. Big difference.

Oh, and Peter King is PISSED right now. This is his schtick a-hole.

Quick Thoughts on the Divisional Round

1. Despite the sunshine and margaritas, going to Cabo was a terrible idea.

I will haunt you.

2. 12 feet of snow falls on Green Bay and Brett Favre plays like a man possessed. Just a year ago, this would have been a prime contender for one of those 3-INT, 2 lost fumble games.

It's official honey. I'm playing 'til I'm 50.

3. Tom Brady was unbelievable against Jacksonville, racking up a 141.4 passer rating and completing an NFL record 92.9 percent of his passes. He dumped screens when the defense got too agressive, found the slant when linebackers vacated their zones ... it was unreal. It was like he knew what was coming.


4. Was it necessary for Philip Rivers to scream at the Indy fans (getting gracelessly caught in the act on camera) near his bench as the game drew to a close? Seems to reaffirm suspicions raised by Denver CB Champ Bailey that Rivers is a redneck assclown.

5. As mentioned earlier on this board, Rodney H(GH)arrison is not a good role model.


6. It was definitely loud in Indianapolis yesterday. But that was no reason for all of the phantom defensive holding and pass interference calls on the Chargers. For God's sake, Norv's head almost exploded.

Norv Turner, 2008. Not a happy man.

7. As improbable as it may be, this face most certainly did not rear it's ugly head in Texas Stadium yesterday:

Wait a second ... you mean it was the other QB who threw a game killing interception?

Gisele Embarrassed by Brady?

Check out this article titled "Bundchen Denies She Only Accepts Euros" that cites the Brazilian newspaper O Globo's interview with Gisele. I'm beginning to think the supermodel hates America.

Note the last line of the short story:

O Globo said Bundchen set ground rules for the interview: no questions about her boyfriend.

So...not only does she but she hate our money, but she's ashamed of our poster boy, her supposed lover? Poor form.

I did a little online research and found this interesting picture at Boston.com - Gisele insisting Tom keep at least an arm's distance away...


This relationship could potentially be as fraudulent as the Romo/Simpson affair. you heard it here first, ladies and gents.

Near Unanimous

The Dreamboat Baby attempts a subtle "F You" towards daddy to keep him in line.

Balt Sun wire report:

Brady is the first Patriot selected NFL MVP. He drew 49 of the 50 votes from a nationwide panel of media members. Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, the only three-time MVP, got the other vote.

Rumor has it JET, wanting to keep Papa Brady in check for his dissing of mommy, lobbied hard for the ol' gunslinger.

JET's infantile attempt at flipping the birdie:

How the '07 Pats will Celebrate Other Teams Failing to go Undefeated

Because that champagne shit is so 1972.

Bill Belichick will attempt a smile.

Tom Brady will get a living relative of the Dolphins '72 team pregnant.

Tom seduces Mrs. Cszonka

In later years, dig up Don Shula's corpse and kick it in the nuts.


Randy Moss will cornrow Merc Morris' artificial box fade.


Jager Shots.


Stephen Gostkowski will reenact the play that made Garo Yepremian famous.

Obama Trumps Patriots

While the rest of the country was watching the Patriots make sports history, the Governor of Massachusetts, of all people, wasn't.

From the NYT's The Caucus:

Mr. Obama hailed Gov. Deval Patrick of Massachusetts, who is traveling with him and introduced him, complimenting him for being on the stump rather than kicking back at his home state team’s attempt to become the first to go 16-0 in the regular season.

“For him to travel today when he could be at the Patriots game …” Mr. Obama said, drawing a smile from Mr. Patrick and applause from his audience.

The author, a self-proclaimed Boston die-hard, even throws a little man-love Tom Brady's way:

I just heard a good passing play from the Master of the Universe, Tom Brady.

When did Dreamboat Baby start blogging for the Times?