Explanation Wanted

Tainted safety Rodney Harrison on the tainted, undefeated New England Patriots is known for his unsportsmanlike tomfoolery, as most visibly illustrated this year with his little Brian Billick love fest. Truly he has no couth, much like his coach.

But what in the world was he doing post-interception in yesterday's Jags game. As he stuck the ball out, slowed his gait and sashayed out of bounds, no one said a word. Did he just quit on the play? Was it just meant to belittle his opponents? Was no one bothered by his actions, or is it that this guy is such a knob job that no one was the least bit surprised and raised an eye brow when he goes out of his way to act like an ahole?

Only a pompous jerk would shape his mustache this way.

Near Unanimous

The Dreamboat Baby attempts a subtle "F You" towards daddy to keep him in line.

Balt Sun wire report:

Brady is the first Patriot selected NFL MVP. He drew 49 of the 50 votes from a nationwide panel of media members. Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, the only three-time MVP, got the other vote.

Rumor has it JET, wanting to keep Papa Brady in check for his dissing of mommy, lobbied hard for the ol' gunslinger.

JET's infantile attempt at flipping the birdie:

How the '07 Pats will Celebrate Other Teams Failing to go Undefeated

Because that champagne shit is so 1972.

Bill Belichick will attempt a smile.

Tom Brady will get a living relative of the Dolphins '72 team pregnant.

Tom seduces Mrs. Cszonka

In later years, dig up Don Shula's corpse and kick it in the nuts.


Randy Moss will cornrow Merc Morris' artificial box fade.


Jager Shots.


Stephen Gostkowski will reenact the play that made Garo Yepremian famous.

Patriots vs. Giants Recap, Or Why Channel Five Can Lick My Cornhole

I watched a hell of a competition yesterday. Professional athletes, mixed with a little celebrity, in a game where the smallest defect was not only exploited by opponents but on display for an entire national audience to see. Who could have expected the underdogs - with nothing really on the line - to put up such a gritty fight against the more established competitors? All I can say is when Natalie Gulbis nailed her first shot over the water hazard to within 5' of the pin on the last challenge of the day, you knew the pairings of Bubba Watson/Dan Marino and Greg Norman/Roger Clemens finally had a game on their hands. I speak of course of the PGA ADT Skills Challenge. What a ride! Then I heard there was a football game on so I watched it.

Channel Five's camera may have panned across those T-shirts for just a second, revealing the trendy new gloat-garb for New England, but it felt like a day at the DMV. Who in their right mind would show something like that? Had that happened with the Red Sox in a similar position, the Massachusetts legislature would have passed a bill in 20 minutes proclaiming that pummeling an on-site network producer who flouts sports karma is considered justifiable homicide. I tried to look away, but I saw the shirt. The shirt that was 100% responsible for Eli Manning playing like an NFL quarterback.
Channel Five decided to taunt the Football Gods and it came back in a big way - via a kickoff return for a TD and overall special teams meltdown that kept the game closer than it should have been. People were surprised with the quality of Eli Manning's play, especially Cris Collinsworth - which was weird. This game meant nothing to the Giants. NOTHING. Of Course Eli had a big game. It was four full quarters of garbage time! To paraphrase Ralph Wiggum: Garbage Time - Where Mannings are vikings!

Ren and Fat Willard's moaning about Rodney Harrison - who was clean this entire year by the way - while amusing, shows how crazy this Patriots season is than anything else. There was nothing to really criticize about the Pats, was there? Pundits and other bloggers seemed personally offended that the Pats were dominating without a running game. Belichick gave the finger to the NFL the entire way through the season, but it wasn't in running up the score - it was the decision to abandon any pretense of a viable ground game - the first commandment of the NFL: Thou shalt run the ball. True Story: somewhere in suburban Maryland, Gregggg Easterbrook melted.

It was a great game to watch, especially if you like yelling WELKAHHHHH!!!! WELKAHH!!!! HE'S LIKE DUSTIN PEDROIA WITH MUSCLES!!!!! Which, my wife apparently does.

Obama Trumps Patriots

While the rest of the country was watching the Patriots make sports history, the Governor of Massachusetts, of all people, wasn't.

From the NYT's The Caucus:

Mr. Obama hailed Gov. Deval Patrick of Massachusetts, who is traveling with him and introduced him, complimenting him for being on the stump rather than kicking back at his home state team’s attempt to become the first to go 16-0 in the regular season.

“For him to travel today when he could be at the Patriots game …” Mr. Obama said, drawing a smile from Mr. Patrick and applause from his audience.

The author, a self-proclaimed Boston die-hard, even throws a little man-love Tom Brady's way:

I just heard a good passing play from the Master of the Universe, Tom Brady.

When did Dreamboat Baby start blogging for the Times?

They Eat It

Before the chief has a chance to reflect upon the Patriots' perfect regular season, Ren and Willard would like to congratulate New England for their remarkable run.

Let this be a lesson for all you kids out there. Good things happen to those who take short cuts.

"Sure, my name should be as tarnished as anyone on the Mitchell list, but I'm a Patriot, and it's my sexy body and I'll do what I want. "

The lesser of two evils

The 'Pursuit of Perfection' comes down to this...Who can sports fan tolerate longer?

The 1972 Dolphins show up on TV and in print every season that a team reaches about 10-0 and the 'can they go undefeated' column gets pulled and updated from every sports writer's Save folder. It's right under the 'Coach ____ has to go' piece and the 'holiday wish list' that compiles all the things the old crotch wants to change about sports.

I've become numb to Dolphins by now. Especially this season. Csonka, Shula, Griese, and ol' Merc are just old men talking about old glory and when the game was great. They are like every other old guy in life, if you ignore them long enough they go away. If that fails, just finish every one of their stories for them and they get the hint.


Shouldn't Merc's head get an * ?

But if the Pats do go undefeated they will replace the Dolphins as the go-to guys for sound clips, quotes and feelings about another team going undefeated. Can we live with that? Do we need to see Tom Brady every season talking about the undefeated season as he ages gracefully and has already moved on to seven other models with names missing vowels and bodies tighter than a nun's va-jay-jay? Could I handle Teddy Bruschi and Mike Vrabel trotted out every pregame show to talk about what it was like in the locker room? Will Belichick even talk to a reporter after he retires? Could I stand Randy Moss in graying cornrows yapping about how great this team was? I have to say yes to all of the above.

It's the lesser of two evils. But at least if I have to watch the 2007 Patriots for the next five decades, I will remember the season. I will remember the team, the games, the way they toyed and teased and then dominated a team. I'll remember the Monday Night game when Baltimore came so close to ending the undefeated run and turning Brian Bilick's ego to a code red threat. But at least I will remember and won't have to rely on shoddy footage, the memory of men who can't tell you what they had for dinner let alone the accounts of a game from 1972, and the ramblings of Mercury Morris rewriting history.

It hurts me to say this, because of the fan base involved, but I am hoping for a Patriots undefeated season. I'd much rather see Kool-Aid Maroney rapping on Sportcenter for the next forty years.

It's going to be fantastic television to have Kool-Aid warning any potential undefeated teams not to call him when dey in his hood, but call him when dey in his crib. WASH YOU ASS!

Seminoles Audition for Patriots

In a turn of events that is sure to impress Bill Belichick, the Sporting News/EPSN is reporting:

Up to 20 Florida State players could be suspended from the Dec. 31 Music City Bowl against Kentucky and the first three games of 2008 because of their involvement in a cheating scandal, an unidentified source has told ESPN.com.

When asked for comment on 'Nole-gate, Belichick simply rubbed his hands together, nodded and smiled.

"An Afternoon in Foxboro"

OR "How Patriots Fans are the New Yankee Fans"

Last Thursday, reader Assassin Avenue (a Pittsburgh native and Steelers die-hard) promised a recap of his visit to Foxboro with Patriot loyalist, the cheif. Here is his story...



"Nice scarf ya loser. Nice Blue scarf. Oh, how I'd hate to be a Steeler fan in a blue scarf guy. Oh my God I would hate that."

He wore a pink polo hat, a black and gold jacket and was obsessed with my scarf. He'd made fun of it for 60 minutes straight. And he saw no irony in the fact that he was wearing Steeler colors.

His buddy's obsession was my Terrible Towel and how to steal it, the best to "wipe his ass with." They missed the best play of the game – the Flea Flicker – on their beer run, guy.

The older men behind us were more sedate in their mocking, but no less annoying and repetitive. Going on and on about a silly guarantee goaded out of a back-up player. "You wave that towel while you can, guy." "You come back in January, you really think things will be different? I can personally [places his hand on his heart] guarantee they will not be." Oh, so witty. But I learned that's about the best you can expect in Foxboro.

Indeed, it's has been confirmed. Patriots fans are the new Yankees fans. Cocky, annoying, and more interested in discussing their team's glory than actually paying attention to the game itself.

To be fair, there were exceptions to the rule. Of course the Chief is notably in that number. And he should be publicly commended for telling the investment banker douche bags to get over themselves. There was also the kind couple behind us, interested in the city of Pittsburgh. And the dood to my right who mocked me when appropriate but also shared updates, perspectives, and asked questions. He got the pageantry of the event correct. We're all Americans here people, just trying to have a good time.

The Chief was invited to a wonderful tailgate. The only rule: you must always be eating. The highlight was the deep fried Oreos and the amount of Steeler fans in the lot. And the glory of shoving toe warmers in your shoes.

The Chief and I both noted how much more...pedestrian...it all looks in person. The lighthouse is smaller, the bridge not as large and the action on the field is just a bunch of guys playing football.

However, it must be stated that any fan of the game needs to see it in person from time to time. Television creates false drama. You can't see where the ball is headed. In person you can watch the plays develop and also become extremely frustrated in ways TV does not allow.

For example, why on Earth did the Steelers corners never jam and play so far back? And why didn't they do any over load blitzing. Everyone knows the Stillers zone blitz, switch it up!

And, the most awful example of it all. Sitting in the endzone we all knew Randy Moss's first TD bomb was a lock from the start of the play. It was just plain perfect. And very depressing.

In the end, a good time was had by all. Douche bags got to harass a Steeler fan, the Chief got to yell "First Down" when prompted by the announcer and high-five strangers.

As for me, my silent victory game on the ride home. Listening to Pats Radio post-game talk, many complaints came in about the about of Steeler fans in the crowd (reason: we're loyal and long-time fans, not Johnny-come-latelys). The radio guys continually defended the rights of us Steeler fans to wave our towels, much to the annoyance of their listening audience. Soon we found out why, an irate caller railed on the radio hosts for being from "Pennsylvania" and it turns out that both the announcers were from Pittsburgh and admitted their hearts were with the Steelers. That's right Boston, your favorite Pats guys are Steeler fans.

And, btw caller – there is more than one major city in Pennsylvania. I know you New England folks can't imagine more than one big city in a five state region, but it's true.

All thanks to the Chief.

-posted by Assassin Avenue

Stop Snitchin'

2007 New England Patriots Team Photo

On this evening's Sports Center, they did a piece previewing the Jets/Pats game this week. It featured several Boston Globe writers saying things like "you don't cross Bill Belichick" and because Eric Mangini dropped the dime on the Pats' coach, New England would be out to "embarrass" the Jets, put up 70 points on them and settle for nothing less than Mangenious' "head on platter."

The season that the Patriots are putting on this year is amazing. I am not a fan, but sit in awe when I see them play. They are professional, efficient and ruthless. Do they have something to prove?

Yes.

They do.

While the Boston Globers were alluding to the forthcoming bloodbath the Pats will inevitably lay on the Jets, the fact that it is heightened due to Belichick's visceral hatred for his former protege is sickening.

What's worse in your mind? Being a cheater or being a snitch?

How quickly we forget that Belichick was fined half a million dollars - the highest possible monetary punishment the league can dole out. The Pats were hit for another 1/4 mil and lost a first round draft pick.

Belichick isn't some victim, some innocent man with a chip on his shoulder looking to right an unjust wrong. He was proven to have cheated and was punished heavily.

We chastise Barry Bonds for cheating, for taking an easy, unethical shortcut to rewrite the record books. Is this any different from doing the same, inevitably winning three Super Bowl championships and being well on the way to winning #4 this year? Far be it from me to defend Bonds, but I can't seem to find a difference between him and Coach B.

Barry would have been well on his way to Cooperstown without his little extra helpers. The Pats this year and in the last 5 could have been great teams without Spy-Gate espionage, but now we'll never know. Just like Barry. Tainted.

Just don't blame Mangini. If you do, I bet you're the kind of person who'd wear a "Free Mike Vick" t-shirt.

Five Rings * No Cheating

Long-time reader and Stillers fan, Assassin Avenue, will be traveling up the Eastern Seaboard from the Nation's Capitol to meet up with HHR resident wise-ass/Patriot fanatic, the chief The pair will journey to Gillette Stadium for this weekend's AFC match-up. (the chief vows to have some good material post-game)

From Assassin Avenue:

Resident power ranking mocker, the chief, may seem a bit quieter than normal this week. The reason? The dreaded Steelers are coming to down, bent on destroying the dreams of Mr. Bellicheat* and his henchman.

Look forward on Tuesday to a full report, and answers to these and more burning questions:

* How do the Pats react to the Blitzburgh Package of Destruction?
* At what point does the chief start crying?
* Will we watch the game, or just look for Gisele the whole time?

And even if it all goes horribly wrong, ts least Assassin Avenue will be drunk and ruin the chief's hook up with Mr Kraft's tickets. That much is assured. Here's to the Real City of Champions.

Separated at Birth: Tom Brady and Sgt Schultz

Tom Brady: I KNOW NOTHING!

After Jaws absolutely killed Randy Moss on Thursday, Tom Brady apparently doesn't agree with the assessment of Moss' laziness:

"It bothers me that people take unnecessary shots at him," Brady said. "I don't know what he's done in the past, but he's been great to be around and I think people just like taking shots, unfortunately. If you truly appreciated what he does in his game, then [you wouldn't take shots] ... around us he's a great teammate and everything we're looking for."

I laughed out loud when I read FanHouse's Ryan Wilson commentary on Ms. Sexiest Woman Alive's reaction:

First of all, Brady doesn't know what Moss has done in the past? Really? I guess Bill Belichick doesn't allow televisions on the compound. Otherwise, Brady's full of crap. Second, I imagine Brady knows exactly what Jaws is talking about since he watches the same tape. It's not surprising that he wouldn't call out his teammate, especially one who's on pace to break all sorts of receiving records, but he sounds silly defending Moss.

Well played, Mr. Wilson. Well played.

I'm sure the chief will pull his best Rodney Harrison and make some excuse and/or cry victim. At least the non-New England loving sports world can rest assured knowing that it's easy to win games when you know what the other team is calling and the whole Belicheat era will be surrounded with an aura of taint.

Now Who's Being Naive, Kay?

"Mike, I got some great stock in the Brooklyn Bridge you might be interested in."

As I woke this morning knowing I'd have to wait all day thinking about how the Pats are going to slaughter the Eagles tonight, I can only hope BWest breaks a few and keeps things respectable.

Why? Because I am a realist. Dare I say, I keep it real?

Know who doesn't keep it real? Mike Lupica. Case in point, this morning's Sports Reporters.

As the panel began discussing those aforementioned Pats, trying to put them in some sort of historical perspective, Lupica noted that this was like (back in '98) watching homeruns fly out of the park "but without all those extra enhancements." That last statement made me laugh of loud. Let's put SpyGate aside for now. Does Mike not remember why New England's Pro Bowl safety was missing in the beginning of the year? Then again, Lupica probably believes Harrison's excuse of ignorance. Rodney is not the only one of that team, or any team for that matter, who is dabbling in "extra enhancements" and I can't imagine anyone half-way sane ignoring the likelihood that performance enhancers are as rampant in football than any other sport, with the obvious exception being cycling, where Lance has made cheating an artform.

Now, let's get to that SpyGate issue. The Pats can say all they want about playing with a chip on their shoulder and having something to prove. I just happen to feel that it's easy to trample teams when you have digital libraries full of their signals and know what plays your opponents are calling on both sides of the ball.

On a closing note, maybe things won't be so bad for the Birds tonight. Hammered Hank Goldberg just talked about the spread going up due to McNabb's injury. If anyone has the opposite of the Midas Touch, it's Hammered Hank. I feel better now.

Belichick demands asterisk added to Shula’s weight loss total

In an interesting turn of events today, Coach Bill Belichick ask FDA regulators to look into claims by former Dolphin head coach Don Shula that he lost more than 32 lbs. using the Nutrisystem weight loss plan.

“I don’t think he did it honestly,” commented Belichick “and frankly I’d like an asterisk added to his total.”

“I’d seen Shula at a few of the NFL events in the off-season” Belichick remarked, “and I could tell he’d done things to ‘aid’ his weight loss. I think I saw the outline of a girdle under his Dolphins polo shirt. At the summer league meetings I saw him go to the buffet table at least 2 – 3 times.”

Belichick offered video proof of the Coach Shula from last year’s HOF ceremonies, but then remembered they were confiscated by NFL officials. Coach Shula was finger painting and then going to join the rest of his friends at the assisted living facility for a nice prune and date smoothie and could not be reached for comment.

HHR has obtained a copy of the new ad and compared it to the campaign Nutrisystem is currently running.

Visa knows football? Don't bank on it.

Visa and Commerce Bank want to send someone to the Super Bowl. That's sweet of them. They want to get people excited. They want people to know the tickets are good. Not just good, amazing. Up close to the action. Practically on the field.



Look how close they are!!! This could be YOU at the SUPER BOWL. You will practically be another lineman. Belichick's camera crew can't even get this close. You can smell the sweat of the players. The coconut fragrance of Shanahan's tanning lotion. They are primed. They are hungry. Good lord, I think my underwear is moist I am so excited.

This is the Super Bowl!!!! The (possible) AFC Champion New England Patriots against the (possible) AF...C....CHA..mpi...on...Wait..How the hell can the Pats and Broncos play in the Super Bowl?

They can't. Every sports fan knows that. Apparantly no one at Commerce or Visa seems to know or care. Coming from a marketing background, this drives me nuts. This ad had to be approved by probably forty different people. And no one caught this mistake?

Visa is a proud sponsor of the NFL. They just don't know anything about it.

-posted by Fat Willard

TSG: Belichick Scandal Widens

From The Smoking Gun:

The lawsuit...alleges, among many other things, that Belichick has bugged the home of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and that, before the 2005 Super Bowl, Brady placed a listening device "in Donovan McNabb's Chunky Soup. He ate it." Oh, and Belichick also allegedly surveilled the home of New York Jets quarterback Chad Pennington. And Brady and Moss planted a Radio Shack recording device on San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman's sleeve so that Belichick could hear the opponent's defensive play calls during a September 16 game.

Now I Get It

Report: Rodney Harrison Got HGH in '04

So THAT's what Freddie meant when he said he had something for him.



First Belicheat, now this. Give the Birds their Lombardi Trophy.

Damn Dirty Cheaters.

Goodell Yanky Wade's Wanky?

Suspended coach Wilson seeks explanation for Belichick's punishment

To Catch a Punter

Baugher pleads not guilty day after release by Pats

Patriots coach Bill Belichick signed 30-year-old veteran Chris Hanson for the job out of training camp.

Do you think Belichick lured Baugher in from an online chat to a house nearby Pats camp? Belichick quickly skidaddled, and in walked Chris Hanson, who asks Baugher...

"Why did you come here? Let me read what you wrote. 'I like to punt it high, hard and deep. I like to angle it.' Then there is something in here about a coffin. You sick bastard. You are free to leave."