Sexiest Coach in Football Gets Barracked

Lissa Brennan is an "actress, director, occasional stagehand and all-round theater-loving gal," and needless to say has a flair for hyperbole, touting what she considers "the best Steelers T-shirt ever. EVER!!!"


I will give it to her. It's a pretty sweet design.

Why Tomlin? Why Obama?

"The Obama posters' design is so iconic and immediately recognizable, and I loved them and I also love Mike Tomlin. We have the sexiest coach in the NFL. You don't want a shirt with Bill Belichick on it.

"You could have put any one of those boys' faces on the shirt and people would want it. Put Farrior on it, put Troy. Oh, my God. They're all beautiful."

In between designing t-shirts and prancing around on stage, Ms. Brennan spends an awful lot of time flicking her bean to the Steeler media guide.

I do disagree with her on one front though. Who wouldn't want to pimp this sexy bastard on their chest?

"Oh, it looks good on you though"

"Oh, this is the worst-looking tie I ever saw. What, when you buy a tie like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?"

From page 30 of the Sporting News' "Let's fellate Boston" issue (October 13, 2008).

All these years, all those rings, a handful of affairs, and this guy still can't dress himself.

Eric Cartminez Explains Spygate

Eric Cartminez explains Spaygate to us:

"In America, it is ok to cheat as long as you cheat your way to the top. If you cheat and fail, you are a cheater. If you cheat and succeed, you are savvvvy."



Like any good teacher, Cartminez explains what to do, like Bill Belichick, when you get caught cheating: you simply say you "misinterpreted the rules."

Clemens Named 2008 Unsexiest Man

Adding to his long and distinguished career of achievement, Roger Clemens was named The (Boston) Phoenix's 2008 Unsexiest Man on the Planet, thwarting valiant attempts by several sports-figures up for the recognition. This only proves how bitter Beantowners remain at Clemens' post-Sox success, despite their own recent domination.

ROGER CLEMENS
'ROID-RAGING ROCKET

Considering Roger Clemens moth-eaten congressional testimony, this year’s Unsexiest champ is a quadruple threat: baseball and legal talking heads say that he’s a cheater, a liar/perjurer, a substance-abuser, and a world-class scumbag. The latter charge, mind you, reflects the fact that he threw under the bus not just his trainer pal Brian McNamee (who said he’d be willing to go to jail for Clemens) and trusted teammate Andy Pettite (whom he claimed “misremembers” testimony), but even his wife. His sexy status is further jeopardized by his Cro-Magnon mug (never have a player’s looks been so betrayed by the removal of his ball cap) and, worse, the litany of grotesque anatomical details we’ve been forced to hear. As the Mitchell Report noted, “McNamee injected Clemens approximately four times in the buttocks over a several-week period.” Responded Clemens: “If he’s doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead.” Oh, is that what that is?

Here are the other sports-related figures that cracked the top 100:

100 TOM BRADY (??)
96 TONY KORNHEISER
88 LARRY BIRD
81 BRUCE JENNER
79 ARLEN SPECTER
74 CHUCK KLOSTERMAN


73 MERCURY MORRIS
72 SYLVESTER STALLONE
71 BIG SHOW
67 TIM DONAGHY
53 MICHAEL VICK
47 BRIAN McNAMEE
46 BRODY JENNER
39 CHUCK NORRIS
38 HULK HOGAN
32 ERIC MANGINI
27 ELI MANNING
23 ISIAH THOMAS
16 PACMAN JONES
11 BILL BELICHICK

Massholes to Spygate Prober Specter: Screw You & Your Cancer

Photo: Slate

From today's Hotline:

"To promote his new book chronicling his battle with cancer," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) "inexplicably made a call-in appearance on WZLK-FM, a classic rock station in Boston" last week. That city is "ground zero of the fan base for the New England Patriots, a team Specter has dragged through the mud in his never-ending Sypgate investigation." Callers to the show "weren't particularly interested in hearing Specter chat up his new survival tome." One "irate" caller "accused Specter of wasting government time and money" on Spygate. Specter: "Let me tell you something important, I had cancer..." Caller: "I don't care!" (Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, 3/23).

The Boston Herald quotes "fired up fan Dave":

“How can they waste government money on this with people starving in this country, people dying every day . . . this is a ridiculous waste of money. You’re wasting time on a friggin’ football game."

What Might Have Been

While much brouhaha has surrounded yesterday's circus in Congress, equally disturbing in relation to the sanctity of our sports is the revelation that came of Sen. Arlen Specter's meeting (yesterday as well) with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, which brought to light the fact that "from the time he became the Patriots' head coach in 2000 until the league slapped him with a $500,000," Patriots coach Bill Belichick has "routinely had the opponents' signals taped."

Initially, people were up in arms about Specter's meddling and perceived grandstanding in the "Spygate" affair. However, in our eyes there is little difference between the competitive advantages gained by cheating in any fashion - be it performing enhancing drugs or any other means.

As Fanhouse's Michael David Smith noted, "Specter also suggested that some of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady's success could have come from knowing what defense the opposing team was running."

Angelo Cataldi brought up a good point on WIP's morning show today. Like the premiss for Once Upon a Time in America, someone's life was stolen. Specifically, Brady's success inversely impacted that of Peyton Manning, whose Colts, not the NFC representative in the Super Bowl, were the front runners for the Lombardi Trophy. The dynasty that's associated with quarterbacking 3 of the last Super Bowls champions should have been Peyton's legacy.

While the last seven years have made Tom Brady a superstar and an icon, it was Peyton Manning who could have been knocking up Hollywood bombshells and dating super models.

So, Peyton, this is for you. A look at your life. At What Might Have Been.

I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads

We can't go back again
There's no use givin in
And theres no way to know
What might have been

We can sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past...

Coach Belichick's Hotpants Morphology

There was just something creepy, yet amusing about the body language and look in the classic Belichick picture found by Strikezones and Endzones (via SbB). He looks so Willowish, but sporty.

How the '07 Pats will Celebrate Other Teams Failing to go Undefeated

Because that champagne shit is so 1972.

Bill Belichick will attempt a smile.

Tom Brady will get a living relative of the Dolphins '72 team pregnant.

Tom seduces Mrs. Cszonka

In later years, dig up Don Shula's corpse and kick it in the nuts.


Randy Moss will cornrow Merc Morris' artificial box fade.


Jager Shots.


Stephen Gostkowski will reenact the play that made Garo Yepremian famous.

They Eat It

Before the chief has a chance to reflect upon the Patriots' perfect regular season, Ren and Willard would like to congratulate New England for their remarkable run.

Let this be a lesson for all you kids out there. Good things happen to those who take short cuts.

"Sure, my name should be as tarnished as anyone on the Mitchell list, but I'm a Patriot, and it's my sexy body and I'll do what I want. "

The lesser of two evils

The 'Pursuit of Perfection' comes down to this...Who can sports fan tolerate longer?

The 1972 Dolphins show up on TV and in print every season that a team reaches about 10-0 and the 'can they go undefeated' column gets pulled and updated from every sports writer's Save folder. It's right under the 'Coach ____ has to go' piece and the 'holiday wish list' that compiles all the things the old crotch wants to change about sports.

I've become numb to Dolphins by now. Especially this season. Csonka, Shula, Griese, and ol' Merc are just old men talking about old glory and when the game was great. They are like every other old guy in life, if you ignore them long enough they go away. If that fails, just finish every one of their stories for them and they get the hint.


Shouldn't Merc's head get an * ?

But if the Pats do go undefeated they will replace the Dolphins as the go-to guys for sound clips, quotes and feelings about another team going undefeated. Can we live with that? Do we need to see Tom Brady every season talking about the undefeated season as he ages gracefully and has already moved on to seven other models with names missing vowels and bodies tighter than a nun's va-jay-jay? Could I handle Teddy Bruschi and Mike Vrabel trotted out every pregame show to talk about what it was like in the locker room? Will Belichick even talk to a reporter after he retires? Could I stand Randy Moss in graying cornrows yapping about how great this team was? I have to say yes to all of the above.

It's the lesser of two evils. But at least if I have to watch the 2007 Patriots for the next five decades, I will remember the season. I will remember the team, the games, the way they toyed and teased and then dominated a team. I'll remember the Monday Night game when Baltimore came so close to ending the undefeated run and turning Brian Bilick's ego to a code red threat. But at least I will remember and won't have to rely on shoddy footage, the memory of men who can't tell you what they had for dinner let alone the accounts of a game from 1972, and the ramblings of Mercury Morris rewriting history.

It hurts me to say this, because of the fan base involved, but I am hoping for a Patriots undefeated season. I'd much rather see Kool-Aid Maroney rapping on Sportcenter for the next forty years.

It's going to be fantastic television to have Kool-Aid warning any potential undefeated teams not to call him when dey in his hood, but call him when dey in his crib. WASH YOU ASS!

Seminoles Audition for Patriots

In a turn of events that is sure to impress Bill Belichick, the Sporting News/EPSN is reporting:

Up to 20 Florida State players could be suspended from the Dec. 31 Music City Bowl against Kentucky and the first three games of 2008 because of their involvement in a cheating scandal, an unidentified source has told ESPN.com.

When asked for comment on 'Nole-gate, Belichick simply rubbed his hands together, nodded and smiled.

Stop Snitchin'

2007 New England Patriots Team Photo

On this evening's Sports Center, they did a piece previewing the Jets/Pats game this week. It featured several Boston Globe writers saying things like "you don't cross Bill Belichick" and because Eric Mangini dropped the dime on the Pats' coach, New England would be out to "embarrass" the Jets, put up 70 points on them and settle for nothing less than Mangenious' "head on platter."

The season that the Patriots are putting on this year is amazing. I am not a fan, but sit in awe when I see them play. They are professional, efficient and ruthless. Do they have something to prove?

Yes.

They do.

While the Boston Globers were alluding to the forthcoming bloodbath the Pats will inevitably lay on the Jets, the fact that it is heightened due to Belichick's visceral hatred for his former protege is sickening.

What's worse in your mind? Being a cheater or being a snitch?

How quickly we forget that Belichick was fined half a million dollars - the highest possible monetary punishment the league can dole out. The Pats were hit for another 1/4 mil and lost a first round draft pick.

Belichick isn't some victim, some innocent man with a chip on his shoulder looking to right an unjust wrong. He was proven to have cheated and was punished heavily.

We chastise Barry Bonds for cheating, for taking an easy, unethical shortcut to rewrite the record books. Is this any different from doing the same, inevitably winning three Super Bowl championships and being well on the way to winning #4 this year? Far be it from me to defend Bonds, but I can't seem to find a difference between him and Coach B.

Barry would have been well on his way to Cooperstown without his little extra helpers. The Pats this year and in the last 5 could have been great teams without Spy-Gate espionage, but now we'll never know. Just like Barry. Tainted.

Just don't blame Mangini. If you do, I bet you're the kind of person who'd wear a "Free Mike Vick" t-shirt.

Five Rings * No Cheating

Long-time reader and Stillers fan, Assassin Avenue, will be traveling up the Eastern Seaboard from the Nation's Capitol to meet up with HHR resident wise-ass/Patriot fanatic, the chief The pair will journey to Gillette Stadium for this weekend's AFC match-up. (the chief vows to have some good material post-game)

From Assassin Avenue:

Resident power ranking mocker, the chief, may seem a bit quieter than normal this week. The reason? The dreaded Steelers are coming to down, bent on destroying the dreams of Mr. Bellicheat* and his henchman.

Look forward on Tuesday to a full report, and answers to these and more burning questions:

* How do the Pats react to the Blitzburgh Package of Destruction?
* At what point does the chief start crying?
* Will we watch the game, or just look for Gisele the whole time?

And even if it all goes horribly wrong, ts least Assassin Avenue will be drunk and ruin the chief's hook up with Mr Kraft's tickets. That much is assured. Here's to the Real City of Champions.

Separated at Birth: Tom Brady and Sgt Schultz

Tom Brady: I KNOW NOTHING!

After Jaws absolutely killed Randy Moss on Thursday, Tom Brady apparently doesn't agree with the assessment of Moss' laziness:

"It bothers me that people take unnecessary shots at him," Brady said. "I don't know what he's done in the past, but he's been great to be around and I think people just like taking shots, unfortunately. If you truly appreciated what he does in his game, then [you wouldn't take shots] ... around us he's a great teammate and everything we're looking for."

I laughed out loud when I read FanHouse's Ryan Wilson commentary on Ms. Sexiest Woman Alive's reaction:

First of all, Brady doesn't know what Moss has done in the past? Really? I guess Bill Belichick doesn't allow televisions on the compound. Otherwise, Brady's full of crap. Second, I imagine Brady knows exactly what Jaws is talking about since he watches the same tape. It's not surprising that he wouldn't call out his teammate, especially one who's on pace to break all sorts of receiving records, but he sounds silly defending Moss.

Well played, Mr. Wilson. Well played.

I'm sure the chief will pull his best Rodney Harrison and make some excuse and/or cry victim. At least the non-New England loving sports world can rest assured knowing that it's easy to win games when you know what the other team is calling and the whole Belicheat era will be surrounded with an aura of taint.

Now Who's Being Naive, Kay?

"Mike, I got some great stock in the Brooklyn Bridge you might be interested in."

As I woke this morning knowing I'd have to wait all day thinking about how the Pats are going to slaughter the Eagles tonight, I can only hope BWest breaks a few and keeps things respectable.

Why? Because I am a realist. Dare I say, I keep it real?

Know who doesn't keep it real? Mike Lupica. Case in point, this morning's Sports Reporters.

As the panel began discussing those aforementioned Pats, trying to put them in some sort of historical perspective, Lupica noted that this was like (back in '98) watching homeruns fly out of the park "but without all those extra enhancements." That last statement made me laugh of loud. Let's put SpyGate aside for now. Does Mike not remember why New England's Pro Bowl safety was missing in the beginning of the year? Then again, Lupica probably believes Harrison's excuse of ignorance. Rodney is not the only one of that team, or any team for that matter, who is dabbling in "extra enhancements" and I can't imagine anyone half-way sane ignoring the likelihood that performance enhancers are as rampant in football than any other sport, with the obvious exception being cycling, where Lance has made cheating an artform.

Now, let's get to that SpyGate issue. The Pats can say all they want about playing with a chip on their shoulder and having something to prove. I just happen to feel that it's easy to trample teams when you have digital libraries full of their signals and know what plays your opponents are calling on both sides of the ball.

On a closing note, maybe things won't be so bad for the Birds tonight. Hammered Hank Goldberg just talked about the spread going up due to McNabb's injury. If anyone has the opposite of the Midas Touch, it's Hammered Hank. I feel better now.

Visa knows football? Don't bank on it.

Visa and Commerce Bank want to send someone to the Super Bowl. That's sweet of them. They want to get people excited. They want people to know the tickets are good. Not just good, amazing. Up close to the action. Practically on the field.



Look how close they are!!! This could be YOU at the SUPER BOWL. You will practically be another lineman. Belichick's camera crew can't even get this close. You can smell the sweat of the players. The coconut fragrance of Shanahan's tanning lotion. They are primed. They are hungry. Good lord, I think my underwear is moist I am so excited.

This is the Super Bowl!!!! The (possible) AFC Champion New England Patriots against the (possible) AF...C....CHA..mpi...on...Wait..How the hell can the Pats and Broncos play in the Super Bowl?

They can't. Every sports fan knows that. Apparantly no one at Commerce or Visa seems to know or care. Coming from a marketing background, this drives me nuts. This ad had to be approved by probably forty different people. And no one caught this mistake?

Visa is a proud sponsor of the NFL. They just don't know anything about it.

-posted by Fat Willard

TSG: Belichick Scandal Widens

From The Smoking Gun:

The lawsuit...alleges, among many other things, that Belichick has bugged the home of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and that, before the 2005 Super Bowl, Brady placed a listening device "in Donovan McNabb's Chunky Soup. He ate it." Oh, and Belichick also allegedly surveilled the home of New York Jets quarterback Chad Pennington. And Brady and Moss planted a Radio Shack recording device on San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman's sleeve so that Belichick could hear the opponent's defensive play calls during a September 16 game.

Now I Get It

Report: Rodney Harrison Got HGH in '04

So THAT's what Freddie meant when he said he had something for him.



First Belicheat, now this. Give the Birds their Lombardi Trophy.

Damn Dirty Cheaters.

Goodell Yanky Wade's Wanky?

Suspended coach Wilson seeks explanation for Belichick's punishment

To Catch a Punter

Baugher pleads not guilty day after release by Pats

Patriots coach Bill Belichick signed 30-year-old veteran Chris Hanson for the job out of training camp.

Do you think Belichick lured Baugher in from an online chat to a house nearby Pats camp? Belichick quickly skidaddled, and in walked Chris Hanson, who asks Baugher...

"Why did you come here? Let me read what you wrote. 'I like to punt it high, hard and deep. I like to angle it.' Then there is something in here about a coffin. You sick bastard. You are free to leave."