Prop Bets

I find the prop bets being offered at Bookmaker.com down right hysterical.

Among them, a few pokes at the recently split "Tessica":


Which Celebrity Will Tony Romo Date This Season?

Natalie Gulbis +500
Malia Jones +450
Olivia Munn +500
Amy Adams +350
Kristen Bell +500
Megan Fox +350
Emmanuelle Chriqui +450


Which NFL Player will Jessica Simpson Date Next?

Tony Gonzalez | Kansas City Chiefs +350
Jason Taylor | Washington Redskins +350
Will Demps | Houston Texans +500
Matt Forte | Chicago Bears +500
Wes Welker | New England Patriots +300
Kerry Rhodes | New York Jets +300
Matt Leinart | Arizona Cardinals +300
Tom Brady | New England Patriots +800

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Tony Romo Can't Hide His Lyin Eyes; Smile is a Thin Disguise

Source according to People Magazine: "[Tony] wanted her to be a house mom and be in Dallas, and he wants to go out and play – and not just football."

Ooooooooooo snap!

"It's been tough for her. Tony had his eyes on everyone but her towards the end."

By "everyone," the source is obviously referring to Jason Whitten.

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Romo Goes Down in Shower

I'm sure it's not the first time he's gone down in the locker room.

The Skip Bayless Homoerotic QB Jinx

Mike "The Fish" Fisher at DallasBasketball.com did a fantastic followup on our blurb about Skip Bayless' ogling of NFL QB hotties on First Take last week: "Skip has five budding bromances. Brady and Brett and Tony and Kurt and Donovan. ... it's like two threesomes! Except. ... once Skip proclaimed his manlove, things went south for the objects of his affection."

ESPN's Queer Eye For The NFL Straight Guy Goes 0-For-5

A Cowboy Story

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. An you know what that means. TNT will soon begin force-feeding us non-stop the worst, yet somehow most popular, holiday movie ever, A Christmas Story.

There's no escaping it.

Similarly, there is no escaping the questions already being asked by football pundits across the land - can Tony Romo and the Cowboys win in December? Will they finally win a playoff game. Will Terrell Owens destroy their very existence?

So, without further ado, we take a look at America's Team through the lens of America's worst Christmas movie.

Ralph "Ralphie" Parker: Ralphie is the movie's whiny star with a one track mind, and blatant disregard in taking anyone around him's advice. Tony Romo has a one track mind to be America's sweetheart, and ultimately gets what he wants, yet stillalways manages to shoot himself in the eye.


Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle: Ralphie's one true desire, akin to a Romo playoff win.


Randy Parker: Ralphie's younger brother and tag-along. They probably sit in their room and design schemes to embarrass poor Scut Farkus.


Scut Farkus: The bully.


Grover Dill: The bully's sidekick.


The Rabbit Suit Nobody Wants to Wear: Pacman Jones


The Aunt who gave Ralphie the Suit: Roger Goodell for continually reinstating Jones.

Schwartz: Scape goat. It can't be the players or the ownership. Blame the coach.


Flick: Succumbing to peer pressure. The Cowboys play in the division with the most media exposure and among the most competitive teams on the field. Each jockey and beat one another up, usually split season series, and have legitimate shots to make the wild card. And while the Cowboys generally have the most talent, they haven't seen the success that the Giants and Eagles have over the last decade.


Old Man Parker: The disciplinarian father. Tries to be a voice of reason, but just comes off as a self-serving moron.


Mrs. Parker: Enabling mother. Troy Aikman, Moose Johnston, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin. They are all just blind, drugged and/or don't care that their family is a muckin fess.


Little Orphan Annie Secret Society: Propaganda front. Has everything to do with commercialization.


Miss Shields: Ralphie's teacher who assigned an essay Ralphie figured would be TOO perfect to deny him the rifle. And the teacher shot him right from the start.


Store Santa: Just flat out denies Ralphie his rifle. Kind of like slippery footballs.


Leg Lamp: Really nothing more than tacky eye candy.

HHR EXCLUSIVE! Collusion Photo of Witten/Romo Designing Anti-TO Plays Unearthed

Terrell Owens has always been a man to take at his word and has never failed to put his team(s) above self. Tony Romo and Jason Witten, on the other hand, in their short time as teammates have proven themselves time and time again nothing short of self-serving publicity hounds and stat-padders. While many rushed to critcize the humble wide receiver's accusations that Romo and Witten have been secretly designing plays that exclude TO, HHR chose to dig a little deeper before jumping to conclusions. As such, we were able to uncover this photographic evidence of the QB and TE concocting the very plays Owens spoke of.

Judge for yourself.

The Next Food Network Quarterback

The Food Network has taken obscure kitchen-bound chefs and uppity home makers and turned them into international celebrities with cross-platform marketing appeal.

They have become the face of the Network and its mouthpieces, much the way quarterbacks have for both their respective teams and the NFL in general.

Food Network stars each have their own unique styles and quirky, albeit many times annoying, personalities. Much like NFL quarterbacks.

Pull up a fork and knife because after much, much too much discussion on the matter, the HHR staff offers you its Food Network Star/NFL Quarterback comparisons.

We start off with the Dean of the Food Network, Alton Brown...

Alton Brown: Good Eats; Feasting on Asphalt; Feasting on Waves; Iron Chef America

HHR Impressions

CR Dunbar: Alton gives me the creeps like Pennington. He can manage a decent show, but will never make the leap to primetime.

the chief: ALTON IS PRIME TIME. He’s on constantly, on like 5 different shows (Good Eats, Iron Chef, and his road/boat trip series). He’s unstoppable. He's Peyton Manning. He's everywhere at once.

Ariel: But he is creepy and knows too much about food. He is not Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning could be your Bobby Flay - on lots of commericals, sort of the wholesome face of professional football, likable, a big draw....

the chief: The only thing creepy about Alton Brown is how awesome he is.

Ariel: Expert on all things culinary... extremely intelligent, but a bit too intelligent and quirky to stomach. He could be your Tom Brady. Like too perfect.

the chief: You people are blasphemous, I tell you.

Ariel: Spoken like a true NE fan. I am telling you, Alton is Brady.

The Cynic: I don't say this very often, but the chief is right on this one. Alton Brown is the shizznit. (Also something I don't say very often.) However, I like the Alton Brown = Tom Brady analogy. They're both extremely good at what they do, you don't know anybody who just hates them and yet there's something a little disconcerting about them because they're almost too perfect.

NFL QB Counterpart: Tom Brady

Paula Deen: Paula's Party; Paula's Home Cooking

HHR Impressions

Ren: She’s a squealing, old Southerner. Sounds like Favre to me.

Ariel: Paula Deen is very charismatic, charming, and lovable. And loves her some butter.

Willard: Favre should be Paula Deen. Looks great and gets results but in the end, going to kill you. His interceptions are like butter.

Ariel: I like Farve as Paula Deen, but I also like Collins as Paula Deen (always seems intoxicated).

NFL QB Counterpart: Brett Favre

Emeril Lagasse: Emeril Live; Essence of Emeril

HHR Impressions

Rusty: Philip Rivers…they both like to yell. BAM!


NFL QB Counterpart: Philip Rivers

The Neelys: Down Home with the Neelys

HHR Impressions

Ren: Much too pleasant on screen to actually like one another. Something's dead wrong about their relationship. Reminds me of McNabb/Reid.

NFL QB Counterpart: Donovan McReid

Sandra Lee: Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee

She describes the philosophy as "70% store-bought/ready-made products accompanied by 30% fresh and creative touches, allowing you to take 100% of the credit.

HHR Impressions

Willard: That is Kerry Collins. Not even his team. All of a sudden he is Jesus Christ, Superstar.

Rev. Shaw Moore: Kurt Warner has to be Sandra Lee ... where would he be without Boldin and Fitzgerald?

Ren: Leinert’s Backup. I like Collins.

NFL QB Counterpart: Kerry Collins

Giada De Laurentiis: Everyday Italian; Behind the Bash; Giada's Weekend Getaways; Giada in Paradise; Giada at Home

HHR Impressions

Ren: Pretty face surrounded by big boobs. Sounds like Tony Romo and the Cowboys.

NFL QB Counterpart: Tony Romo

Ina Garten: Barefoot Contessa

HHR Impressions

Ren: One, if not the only, calm, soothing presence on the channel.

Assassin Ave: Is there a Jewish QB?

Ariel: This person also should be like a comfort food - you can always rely on them in a pinch.

Ren: Brees?

Assassin Ave: I thought of Brees, but not sure i see him as a calming influence. McNabb may be more calming. He seems pretty chill. He was very chill on Cribs.

Ariel: Mcnabb is NOT like comfort food. He is like spicy food that always gives you heartburn - but you eat it anyway.

NFL QB Counterpart: Drew Brees


Guy Fieri: The Next Food Network Star; Guy's Big Bites; Diners, Drive-ins & Dives

HHR Impressions

Ren: Fiesty, Cliched, Flamboyant. Garcia?

the chief: Guy's Big Bite? I say Palmer. That dude bites big-time.

Ariel: What about Roethlisberger? Biker-type. Kind of badass.

NFL QB Counterpart: Ben Roethlisberger

Mario Batali: Molto Mario; Ciao America; Iron Chef America

HHR Impressions

Ariel: Mario Batali is old school, one of the originals. Been around a while, but sort of in the background. Kind of like Jake Delhomme. Consistent, but not the first chef you think of. Never has a terribly bad season, and maybe gets to shine once or twice.

Ren: Plus they can go 8-2 and no one even knows it.

Ariel: There you go.

NFL QB Counterpart: Jake Delhomme

Cat Cora: Iron Chef America

HHR Impressions

Ren: Love her. But since she does shots after each match on the Iron Ref (and I hate to do this), only one man jumps to mind: Orton.

NFL QB Counterpart: Kyle Orton

Masaharu Morimoto: Iron Chef America

HHR Impressions

Ren: Foreign. Speaks very little English, but solid. Eli Manning.

Michael Symon: The Next Iron Chef; Dinner Impossible

HHR Impressions

Ariel: Mike Symon won Next Iron Chef... but he is the new badass on the block.

NFL QB Counterpart: Matt Ryan

----------

This is the part of the show when things got a little hairy. We'll let The Cynic explain:

"We all know that Peyton Manning is the biggest endorsement whore in pro sports. So the decision really comes down to this--who is the bigger media whore between Flay and Ray? Which one would stoop to, for example, pose for a skin mag? Hmmm, I wonder."



Bobby Flay: Iron Ref America; Boy Meets Grill; BBQ with Bobby Flay; Throwdown! with Bobby Flay; Grill It! with Bobby Flay

HHR Impressions

CR Dunbar: Bobby Flay doesn't back down from a challenge and takes a unique angle. Tom Brady. Plus rugged ginger looks.

Willard: BUT, if you watch Challenge, Flay always 'loses' to the hometown guy so in that respect, he is Matt Hasselbeck.

Ariel: See I think of Bobby Flay as the Food Network whore. He has like 3 shows of his own, guest stars on about a half dozen more. Who is like the call-girl for the NFL? Peyton Manning.

CR Dunbar: You shut your mouth. Flay is the man.

Ariel: I love him but he is a whore.

Rachael Ray: 30 Minute Meals; Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels

HHR Impressions

Ren: Dumpy, Endorsement Whore. Peyton Manning.

Ariel: Well, Ray has moved beyond the Food network. She is a self-promoting opportunist. And I don't think that off-camera she is a nice person. I have heard the opposite about Bobby Flay.

The Cynic: As for the whole Bobby Flay/Rachel Ray = Manning debate, I just know this.

1. My wife worships at the unholy Church of Rachel Ray.
2. My wife would leave me in a heartbeat for Peyton Manning.

Coincidence?

----------

Too close to call. Peyton Manning is such an endorsement whore that he is nothing less than the combined whoreness of Rachel Ray and Bobby Flay.

Still Hungry? Taking in a sporting event any time soon? Find out what the locals recommend at FanFoodie.com.

Cowboy Tony Succumbs to Peer Pressure

First he loses to the Cards. Then he gets injured. Then Iron Man Brett Favre tells him to man the hell up. Then D-II Trevor Wikre shows him up by telling doctors to "cut it off." So Tony Romo does what any emasculated man with a pinkie injury would do. He collapses in the face of peer pressure and decides to show us all how tough he is. We'll see. The decision to play after being teased like a 10-year old, shows just how emotionally unstable he is.

Terrell Being Terrell

TO Making It Rain.

As we near the end of the half time show, the Sunday Night Football crew just alluded to the post-game comments made by Terrell Owens following the Cowboys loss to the Skins. TO was none to happy about his self-perceived lack of involvement in the offense despite getting 1/3 of the team's offensive plays.

According to the Dallas Morning News' Dallas Cowboys Blog, the Cowboys ran 58 offensive plays, threw to TO 18 times and let Owens run it twice.

That's not enough for the world's greatest teammate. When asked if the ball was thrown his way often enough, Owens said:

"I would say no. I'm a competitor, and I want the ball.

"There were some opportunities there, and there were some opportunities there where they were holding and the refs just didn't call it. You can't blame the refs; we just didn't make the plays.

"Everybody recognized that I wasn't really getting the ball in the first half," Owens said. "I'm pretty sure everybody watching the game recognized it, people in the stands recognized it, I think my team recognized it. I didn't quit. I kept fighting and trying to running my routes and trying to get open."

Giving Tony Romo His Due

We often belittle the accomplishments of Tony Romo here at HHR. Sure, the Eagles proved last week that Cowboy Tony is the lucky recipient of a solid line, backfield and receiving corp, and when pressured he fumbles in the end zone, throws costly picks and misses a wide open MB3 in crucial situations.

However, yesterday's victory over the previously-undefeated Aaron Rodgers-let Pack at Lambert, proved once and for all that Romo is the greatest Mexican quarterback to ever strap on an NFL helmet. And we are finally ready to crown his ass. Yesterday, Romo passed now-benched Jeff Garcia and backup J.P. Losman for the honorable distinction.

Underwood admits Romo still calls

Tony Romo Still Calls Carrie Underwood

Hey y'all, it's Carrie. I can't get to the phone so leave a message and I might call ya back. I am just joking I am the sweetest person in the world I would never not return a phone call. Plus my vagina smells like cinnamon. Anyway, leave one.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP

Hey Carrie....It's Tony. Tony Romo. How are you? I am just calling to say hello. I am at camp and we have some down time so I figured I'd give you a call. I can't talk that long. T.O. will be back any minute and he gets jealous if I am on the phone for longer than a few minutes. He is so needy. Sometimes he will pull all my covers off while I sleep or fold my clothes for me just to get me to thank him and start a conversation. He also has all these prescription drugs on his desk. Like he is planning something. It's scary.

Anyway, so I was just calling.....you know....just calling to say what's up. I heard a song of yours today and I thought about you and figured I'd give you a call. Jess and I are doing great in case you were wondering. Just fantastic. I mean, the other day we got to spend the afternoon together because Joe got the squirts from bad shellfish. So we got to go shopping, play some Guitar Hero, and I am not sure but I might have gotten to second base.
Well look, I have to go, we have to be up early tomorrow. I guess just call me when you get a chance. I sleep with the phone on and by my ear.
...............
(Later that evening)

Hey, Carrie. Tony again. Look, don't tell anyone what I told you about Jess. She is kind of sensitive to all this stuff and she gets really upset and then I have to spend all day talking to Joe and I have football to worry about.......crap....have to jet, T.O. is waking up to pee again.
...............
(A few days later)

Hey Carebear, it's me Romeo. Remember when we used to call each other that? Pretty funny thinking back. I haven't heard from you and wanted to make sure everything was ok. So call me when you get a chance. I will keep the phone on me so I don't miss your call. Later Carebear.
..........
(Later that evening)

Heyyyyyy Carebear.....It's T.O.! I am just checking Tony's outgoing calls while he was in the shower. I thought this was you. Don't think I don't know what's going on! YOU STAY AWAY. TONY IS MY TEAMMATE. He.....HE IS MY QUARTERBACK.
.......
(The next day)

Hey Carrie. It's me. Look....I can't keep doing this. I can't keep calling and never hearing back from you. This isn't fair. Please call me back. Jess is driving me nuts. She put her bra on backwards this morning ok. Are you happy? Did that make you laugh? God, I love making you laugh. Please call me.

Tomy Romo Verbally Bitch Slaps Papa Joe

Father of the year, Joe Simpson, is at it again. An Us Weekly report claims that Papa Joe's antics have once again interfered with his daughter's relationship. Rumored to have caused the short split between Jess and Tony, Joe Simpson offered to pimp out an engagement and wedding to a magazine, should that happen, just like he did for lil' Ashlee and her baby daddy.

"A parent will always be there for his kids and never give up on them. I work hard seven days a week for my girls because I love them."

What he means is, that as a parent of children in the entertainment industry, he works hard for his girls seven days a week because that is what it takes to keep him in the lifestyle he's accustomed to.

Scumbag.

Cowboy Tony's Birthday: What's Going On In this Photo?

Photo: Robert Hart

A. Handy Smurf smurfed all over Jessica Simpson's smurf.
B. Aaron Brooks is booty dancing with a Hollywood starlet after sneaking into another party.
C. Tony Romo is a bundle of nerves and bites his nails because he has no idea how to react and even less an idea how he landed a bombshell.
D. Poppa Joe is PISSED he didn't get enough lead time to hype up this cake eating event. Worse yet, he wasn't the sole photog at this party, and couldn't make money of the exploitation of his daughter. Screw you, Robert Hart.
E. That fucking hat looks retarded.
F. In Tony's actual fantasy, that's Jason Witten "seducing" him.

You make the call.

22 Worst Dunks Ever

From our friend Scrap over at on205th...

The 22 Worst Dunks Ever

This is my favorite.



Not the worst of the bunch but it's Mrs. Eva Longoria which makes it almost as good as ummmm....



That.

Mort does NOT know how to spell

I knew we'd never get a chance to break a story.

Laid= to have sexual intercourse

Lei= (in the Hawaiian Islands) a wreath of flowers, leaves, etc., for the neck or head.

This was probably going to be the most exciting story to come out of the Pro Bowl. We mean Tony Romo actually getting a flower necklace.

Mortensen reporting Romo gets laid in Honolulu

Huge football and celebrity gossip out of Hawaii.

Chris Mortensen is in Honolulu covering the Pro Bowl for ESPN. His assistant is a huge fan of ours (who isn't). We got to be friends through...not important. Anyway, he just got word via a text message that Mort is reporting that Tony Romo has cheated on Jessica Simpson while in Hawaii for the Pro Bowl. Word from Mort is that it was a pretty public event.

All we have now is the exact text from Mort to his assistant saying "Romo just got laid. Sources confirmed. Two attractive young women. Attacked Romo as he got off jet at Honolulu Int. He didn't put up a fight. More when I learn more."

Mort is trying to get more details as the story develops. HHR will cover this as it happens. Hopefully this guy doesn't screw us over.

EDITED 4:25 PM- There has been an update.

That's my teammate. That's my quarterback.

Cowboy Tony and TO are really taking their new roles as Cowboy Lovers a bit too far this week in Honolulu.

If you can stomach it, check out their little love fest with Fox Sports' Alex Marvez, "T.O., Romo open up about life, football."

Their playful banter makes them look like high school sweethearts just hitting their pubescent stride. They argue over who is the better karaoke singer, espouse their mutual love for The Bucket List, and Cowboy Tony even comments on TO's tearful Romo-related post-game tear shedding: "We (text messaged). I told him it meant a lot because you could see that he cared about me and the team."

It's really a beautiful, touching piece.

I can't imagine how jealous Jason Witten is right now.

Commercial CRitic: Super Bowl Edition

As part of my non-paying job of critiquing sports-related commercials, I was expecting to be busy last night. I even timed my piss breaks during Terminator commercials. However, I was sorely disappointed in the amount of commercials with sports figures considering this was a sporting event and the male 18-35 demographic would be tuned in.

Nevertheless, one commercial stood out that was right up ol' Dunbar's alley. Shaq Jockey.

Before there was Peyton Manning, there was Shaquille O'Neal. His hundred megawatt smile and willingness to put on any show and take any dollar made him a mainstay in the advertising business. He came charging back last night.

Glaceau Vitamin Water Superbowl Commercial: Shaq as Jockey

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The commercial immediately grabs your attention with the rolling thunder of horse hooves. The announcer brings you in further, but is drowned out plugging the product and the reasoning that Shaq is riding Chunk of Love. It doesn't matter. Shaq riding a horse next to small jockeys is funny.

Using his assets to his advantage by pushing off jockeys and holding a horse's nose back with his wingspan to win is just good jockeying.

The kicker for me was that after a couple hours I was able to remember that it was for Vitamin Water. Like everyone else, it takes me awhile to remember what the commercial was for, but this one came right back to me.

Although I wasn't sure whether the horse took Vitamin Water or Shaq, it made sense that either one was going to need a boost to win the race.

Congratulations Vitamin Water, you made a good Super Bowl commercial.

Congratulation Shaq, you roared back into the advertising scene, and it looks like you are going to need the new source of income really soon.

The Others:

Pepsi used its grab-someone-out-of-Ariel's-latest-magazine approach to advertising and had Tony Romo say "Justin?" in an otherwise interesting spot. What we learned about Tony Romo, he drives an SUV, may or may not know Justin Timberlake.

Peyton Manning and Derek Jeter have Poison Ivy's ability to make plants grow by touching them when drinking Gatorade2.

Ben Roethlisberger was taken down a notch with an American Idol promo. The bigger they are, the harder they fall, ey Big Ben.

Victoria's Secret Doesn't Know Sexy, HHR Does

My friend called me this morning quite pissed off after hearing who Victoria's Secret put on there "What is Sexy?" list for 2008.

The retailer chose winners for a bunch of categories.... but the category that pissed off my friend was "Sexiest Male Athlete" being given to HHR's favorite whipping boy, Tony Romo.

I work with mostly women, and sometimes (ok, pretty much everyday) lunch conversation turns to gossip, which turns to the latest tales of Britney, Jessica, Paris, Nicole, etc. We all agree that Tony Romo isn't all that hot, for our tastes at least, and is somewhat overrated in the looks dept.

There are SO many other athletes that could have been chosen for the title, two that came to our minds as we discussed this on the phone this morning (yes, she called me at 8:30 to rant about this) were Tom Brady and David Beckham. And while they usually draw the most attention, its because, well, they are very good looking fellas with bangin bods (Ren - you know I love you.)

The list could seriously go on and on... especially considering personal tastes (I've always liked Matt Hasslebeck for some reason, and my Phillies BF Chase Utley), but I just want Victoria's Secret to admit that their choices had more to do with "who's popular" that who's really sexy.

Just some other "what the hell were they thinking" picks:

• Sexiest Mom: Victoria Beckham (Though after giving birth to Ren's spawn, I wouldn't mind dropping the weight like she did, but her body isn't human, so that is prob why it won't happen for me)
  
• Sexiest Funnyman: Dane Cook (though, I do prefer the more cleaned-up version he's been flaunting these days)
  
• Sexiest Couple: Fergie and Josh Duhamel (ok, he's hot, but she's scary... how about Tom and Gisele.... now she is hot)
  
• Sexiest Smile: Ryan Seacrest (hmmm, not too much to comment here)

However, in honor of this list, we at HHR would like to offer an appendix with some additional categories:

• Sexiest NFL ref: Ren's boy Ed Hochuli
  
• Sexiest Announcer: Kenny Albert
  
• Sexiest Internet-Sports-Search: Will Demps
  
• Sexiest Mascot: Phillie Phanatic
  
• Sexiest DWTS Contestant: Wayne Newton

Video: Metal Skool Calls Out Tony Romo

Sad day when your manhood is questioned by a"glam metal parody band" and its fans.

The first time, at least, they went a little easier on him.

Via TMZ:

Tony Romo was dragged onstage last night, but in the end Romo clearly wanted to be a rock star, singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believin' and trying in vain to engage Jessica.

The damage was done at the Key Club in West Hollywood. Romo didn't want to go onstage, but after chants of "p*ssy" erupted from the crowd, Romo relented.

Video Here.