Happy St. Patrick Chewing Day

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Fat Willard: If you talk to me during an important game, I will kill your family

I understand the world. You just never know when you'll stumble on the next "David on Drugs after Root Canal" or other exploitative venture that leads to instant fame. I get that the silliness of everyday life is a good enough reason to carry your flip cam and everyone thinks their gonna cash in on their passion of selling hand-knitted teapot covers.

This is where I draw the line.



These guys are "Saints Fans" and I'll say that based solely on their fresh new NFC champ t-shirts. This is my issue. If I'm a Saints fan, and this is the Super Bowl, don't you DARE ask me ridiculous funking questions regarding Valentine's Day while plugging your shit website.

Three years ago I watched the Giants and Patriots play a hell of a Super Bowl. My team came out the winner, and while making me incredibly happy, it took years off my life. I couldn't sleep for a week. I was that worked up. It was three plus hours of pure torture. I couldn't talk except for requests of food and mutters of "I'm going to piss, no one sit in my seat."

This is my point. Sports provides incredible highs and gut-kicking lows. The last thing all of us need is someone with a camera asking us to comment on their God-damn website during an important game. You want to record me after the game while I cry like a school girl after her first time, I can live with that. Just don't bother me with stupidity.

I'm saying this now to all the readers, if this scenario ever happens to you at a major moment in your life as a sports fan, you're allowed to grab the camera and shove it in that person's rectum. As far as possible. With no lubrication. None!

And if they follow you out into the street while celebrating they immediately owe you fellatio. I could care less if his wife is inside the house.

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Have A Wicked Hahd-Coah Christmas, Guy.

My guess is this is what every single Christmas carol sounds like to Tawmmy from Quinzee.



It takes a minute or two to drop the first of the Pats/C's/SAWX! references, but what do you expect when a Boston-centric video is performed by a guy in a Cincinnati Reds Hat. OW-AH SINGLE LETTAH HATS ARE MO-AH TIMELESS THAN ANY OTHAHS! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

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Rusty (& NASCAR) Honor Those Who Gave the Greatest Sacrifice

Yesterday, at exactly 3:00:00 p.m. (EDT) in the middle of the race, NASCAR called the caution, stopped the cars in the middle of the track, made the drivers turn off the engines, and recognized the President's moment of silence for our fallen service members.

It's a rare event that Rusty's speechless, but that's pretty awesome!

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Have You Gotten Your BlogsWithBalls Tickets Yet?

Holiday Special: Bad Ass Mothers

In honor of moms everywhere, HHR has compiled a list of our favorite sports bad ass mothers. Who'd we miss and why?

Bill Romanowski


With his admission to using steroids and HGH in the wake of the BALCO scandal, it should come as no surprise that Romo had a chemically enhanced mindset to go along with his chemically enhanced body.

In 1995 he was ejected from a game and fined $4,500 for kicking Cardinal fullback Larry Centers in the head. In 1997 Romo was fined $20,000 after his hit on Panther QB Kerry Collins in a preseason game that broke Collins' jaw. That same year, he spat in 49er WR J.J. Stokes' face. In '99, he was fined $42,500 for three illegal hits and for throwing a punch at Chief TE Tony Gonzalez, and for an undisclosed amount for hitting Jet LB Bryan Cox in the nuts with the ball. His most high profile altercation came against his own teammate, backup TE Marcus Williams, during a scrimmage while with the Raiders. Williams accused Romanowski of roid rage after Romo ripped off his helmet, broke his eye socket and forced him into retirement. Williams sued for $3.4 million, but was rewarded 10% of that.

Ron Artest


Artest made it cool to shave things into the side of your head for the first time since another bad mother - Anthony Mason - patrolled the paint in New York. An integral part of the brawl in Detroit, he has a penchant for technical fouls and bad rap albums. Moreover, despite his past misgivings, Artest is completely self-aware of his own reputation, referring to himself in the third person recently, "Does Kobe know he just elbowed Ron Artest?" Lastly, all this underrates him as a heck of player, a lockdown defender and one who can hit it up from deep.

Bo Jackson


Long after Jim Thorpe mastered about 17 sports, Bo Jackson made playing two of them at the same time cool. Specialized in "Bo Knowing", running people over as a member of the Oakland Raiders, and breaking bats over his knee like twigs on the Kansas City Royals, Bo was just a freak athlete whose career ended way too early due to injury.

His most memorable bad ass moments occurred off the field. Anyone who ever played Techmo Super Bowl or read a Bill Simmons article can tell you, most of his victims not nicknamed "Boz" where pubescent boys playing against the Raiders on NES.

Anthony John "A. J." Pierzynski


I could say "professional wrestler in the off season" and need to give no further explanation, but let me dip a little into his day job: professional ballplayer and all around pain in the ass. He has been punched in the face on the field, runs inside the baseline on purpose, knees team personnel in the nuts, runs to first base when he is out and then gets called safe for it. Now THAT is a bad mutha move we wish every major league player should try at least once.

Buddy Ryan


Largely credited as the architect of the 46 defense, Ryan was a defensive mastermind. However two incidents solidify his status as a coaching bad ass.

The first was the Jimmy Johnson-alleged "bounty" Ryan placed on the head of former Eagle and then-current Cowboy kicker Luis Zendejas and QB Tory Aikman. Following a hit from Eagle LB Jessie Small, Zendajas left the game with a concussion, but not before mistakenly heading towards the Philadelphia sideline. "Bounty Bowl" as it became known, spurned the CBS marketing-driven rematch "Bounty Bowl II" in which fans (including would-be Philadelphia Mayor and PA Governor Ed Rendell) pelting snow, ice and beer aimed at Dallas, officials and broadcasters, forced players to flee for safety.

Ryan's second memorable badass moment is when, as coach of the Oilers, he coldcocked his own offensive coordinator, Kevin Gilbride, on the sideline after a shouting match brought about by a Cody Carlson fumbled snap.



Ronnie Lott

The dude had part of his finger amputated rather than miss playing time. Hall of Famer Art Monk freely admitted that a shot from Lott in 1984 “"pretty much messed me up for my career." In his own words, Lott described his style as, “Grab a football, throw it in the air, and before you can catch it, have your best friend belt you with a baseball bat. No shoulder pads. No helmet. Just you, your best friend and the biggest Louisville Slugger you can find.” No offense to Sam Jackson, but if Ronnie Lott had been on that plane, the snakes would have been looking for the parachutes.

Ty Cobb


The Georgia Peach was one of the greatest to ever play the game of baseball. He was also one of the nastiest. Tales of his attempts to take out opposing players with his metal spikes are legendary. He was racist, anti-Catholic and a heavy drinker. He regularly got into fights with his teammates and at least once went into the stands and put a beatdown on a heckler. In 1912, he was robbed by three men in Detroit. He chased down one of the thieves and beat him to a bloody pulp. When he died in 1961, despite his long baseball career and numerous records, reportedly only four people from his baseball days came to his funeral.

Mike Tyson

What more can be said about Iron Mike that hasn't already dissected a thousand times over? That said, let's just point out a few of our favorite bad ass highlights:

• He was and arguably is the most volitial and ferocious man to not only step into a boxing ring, but to walk the earth.
• He did time for rape.
• He bit off a man's ear.
• He threatened to eat a man's children.
• He threatened to send a man to Bolivia.
• He has a tatoo on his face.
• He told a Maxim interviewer that punched tigers in the nuts, because they like it. And then tried to stab said interviewer in the neck with a fork.
• He can take his hand off to people.
  
• He stiffs women on bar bills.

Brandon Jacobs

He'll explain...

HHR @ NFL Draft Classic - What Makes Brandon Jacobs Feel Good? from HHR on Vimeo.

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Have You Gotten Your BlogsWithBalls Tickets Yet?

Irish Eyes Are Smiling

A repost from last week's St. Pat's Day Parade binge.

To find out who the athletes are gracing our pictoral homage to Ireland's finest athletes, click here.

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Erin Go Bragh: Celebrating Ireland's Greatest Athletes

As we prepare to drink ourselves into a stupor to celebrate the legacy of Ireland's proud history, HHR pays tribute to the country's greatest sports figures.

Raise a pint of green beer and smooth Irish whiskey to Ireland's favorite sons.

1. Xavier McDaniel
2. Jermaine O'Neal
3. Patrick Crayton
4. Troy O'Leary
5. Patrick Ewing
6. Darren McFadden
7. Antonio McDyess
8. Shaquille O'Neal
9. Randall McDaniel
10. Steve McNair
11. Patrick Roy
12. Freeman McNeil
13. Deltha O'Neal
14. Le'Ron McClain
15. Willis McGahee
16. Ron Powlus
17. Ed & Charlie O'Bannon
18. Larry Fitzgerald
19. Donovan McNabb
    

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Happy President's Day

As we thank dead presidents for affording most of us the day off today, let us remember one of the best: Jack Tunney.

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Holiday Hugs

Have Yourself a Very ESPY Christmas

As you count the days until holiday vacation begins and you brace yourselves for the seemingly nationwide winter storm, grab a cup of cocoa and enjoy this piece on Christmas/holiday traditions vs. their ESPN counterparts.

Santa Claus/The Worldwide Leader
Everybody wants to stay on ESPN/Santa's good side, but it's really because they're the only game in town. Sometimes you get the good stuff (SportsCenter commercials, 24/7 sports highlights, Page 2) , sometimes you get coal ("Who's Now?", 32 straight weeks of the World Series of Poker, anything with Stephen A. Smith). Be good, or you just might find a copy of Tilt on DVD under your tree.

Fruitcake/Skip Bayless
The worst thing about Christmas/ESPN. I have yet to find anyone who actually likes either one. Yet for some reason they always seem to stay on the payroll, rearing their self-absorbed heads whenever the holiday season or a new ESPN talk segment makes an appearance.

Christmas Tree Stand/Chris Berman
Holding the whole thing up since the beginning, every now and again you toy with getting a new one because the old one is still wearing ties from that first Christmas. Also Youtube has shown us every now and again the old stand has its bad days and nearly tips the tree over. But in the end you just can't part with it because it still gets the job done especially on NFL Sundays.

Christmas Lights/Erin Andrews
Sure, they can both be overdone a la Clark Griswold. But they can both make the dumpiest house or worst Thursday night MAC game seem a little bit brighter and more festive.

Mistletoe/Suzy Kolber
Self-explanatory



Kwanzaa/Stuart Scott
Unlike most Christmas traditions, which are centuries old, both Kwanzaa and Stuart Scott were created in the mid-1960s. And not even real black people understand what's going on here anymore



Egg Nog/Mike and Mike in the Morning
Their faux-trash talking is endearing in a sickly sweet kind of way, but gets old fast. In the same way, that first glass of egg nog is pure liquid joy, but drink too much and you'll feel like you just swallowed a bowling ball.

Crazy Uncle/Lee Corso
Every family has that one black sheep uncle. You know, the one who invariably shows up wearing a different “funny” hat every year (reindeer antlers, mistletoe, elf, etc.). He’s funny for about five minutes, but after that you just inch closer and closer to wanting to strangle him with some garland.

Black Friday/College Gameday
Just as the day after Thanksgiving signals the kickoff of the Christmas shopping season, every fall Saturday doesn't really start until you crack open your first breakfast beer and flip on (or off, depending on if he picks your team) Crazy Uncle Lee.

Stockings/Kenny Mayne
Not the biggest prize, but always solid. You never know exactly what you're going to get, but odds are it'll be something good.

The Grinch/Dick Vitale
Vitale can't stand the fact that college bowl games get more press around this time of year than hoops. Secretly longs to find a way to eliminate Christmas and skip directly to ACC conference play.


The Overcooked Christmas Ham/ESPN News
Technically you’re eating and that is, I guess, a good thing. But nobody is enjoying themselves. This is broadcasting school televised live to the entire world and, much like the ham, we must grin and bear it.

Christmas Tree Tinsel/Rachel Nichols
Somehow manages to cover the biggest story in your area (the tree or the Plaxico Burress shooting). At the time putting her out there seemed like a good idea, but thirty seconds in to her stand up, you realize that you would have been better served with a classic jingle ball (Sal Paolantonio- e-s-p-n).

Elf/Merrill Hoge
Both are small.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer/Dana Jacobson (at least when she's drinking)
May be responsible for running over your grandma who is walking home from your house Christmas Eve.


That "Christmas Sweater"/Scott Van Pelt
You always look forward to it and remember it being better, cooler, and more fun than it actually is. Like Van Pelt with the Masters, every year you try it on again, and you laugh a little. But eventually digging it out every year just because of its irony value begins to feel a little forced.

A Cowboy Story

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. An you know what that means. TNT will soon begin force-feeding us non-stop the worst, yet somehow most popular, holiday movie ever, A Christmas Story.

There's no escaping it.

Similarly, there is no escaping the questions already being asked by football pundits across the land - can Tony Romo and the Cowboys win in December? Will they finally win a playoff game. Will Terrell Owens destroy their very existence?

So, without further ado, we take a look at America's Team through the lens of America's worst Christmas movie.

Ralph "Ralphie" Parker: Ralphie is the movie's whiny star with a one track mind, and blatant disregard in taking anyone around him's advice. Tony Romo has a one track mind to be America's sweetheart, and ultimately gets what he wants, yet stillalways manages to shoot himself in the eye.


Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle: Ralphie's one true desire, akin to a Romo playoff win.


Randy Parker: Ralphie's younger brother and tag-along. They probably sit in their room and design schemes to embarrass poor Scut Farkus.


Scut Farkus: The bully.


Grover Dill: The bully's sidekick.


The Rabbit Suit Nobody Wants to Wear: Pacman Jones


The Aunt who gave Ralphie the Suit: Roger Goodell for continually reinstating Jones.

Schwartz: Scape goat. It can't be the players or the ownership. Blame the coach.


Flick: Succumbing to peer pressure. The Cowboys play in the division with the most media exposure and among the most competitive teams on the field. Each jockey and beat one another up, usually split season series, and have legitimate shots to make the wild card. And while the Cowboys generally have the most talent, they haven't seen the success that the Giants and Eagles have over the last decade.


Old Man Parker: The disciplinarian father. Tries to be a voice of reason, but just comes off as a self-serving moron.


Mrs. Parker: Enabling mother. Troy Aikman, Moose Johnston, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin. They are all just blind, drugged and/or don't care that their family is a muckin fess.


Little Orphan Annie Secret Society: Propaganda front. Has everything to do with commercialization.


Miss Shields: Ralphie's teacher who assigned an essay Ralphie figured would be TOO perfect to deny him the rifle. And the teacher shot him right from the start.


Store Santa: Just flat out denies Ralphie his rifle. Kind of like slippery footballs.


Leg Lamp: Really nothing more than tacky eye candy.

The Thanksgiving 32

Every season, classic rock stations across the country do a variation of a "Holiday 500," where they count down the top classic rock songs ever. How this ordered list changes for songs at least 10-15 years old is beyond us. Regardless, we match one of Rolling Stone's top 32 songs of all time to the NFL teams it and it's money lyric most reflects. (Rolling Stone rank in parentheses.)

NFL Power Ranking courtesy of our friends at NE Patriots Draft.

32. Detroit Lions

Satisfaction, The Rolling Stones (2)

And i'm tryin' to make some girl
Who tells me baby better come back later next week
'cause you see i'm on losing streak

31. Kansas City Chiefs

Imagine, John Lennon (3)

Nothing to kill or die for.

30. Cincinnati Bengals

London Calling, The Clash (15)

But when we were talking-I saw you nodding out

"This will make good pillow."

29. St. Louis Rams

Stairway To Heaven, Led Zeppelin (31)

There’s a feeling I get
When I look to the west.

28. Oakland Raiders

(Sittin on) the Dock of the Bay, Otis Redding (28)

I left my home in Georgia
Headed for the 'Frisco bay

27. San Francisco 49ers

Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana (9)

Load up on guns
Bring your friends
Its fun to lose
And to pretend

26. Cleveland Browns

What's Going On, Marvin Gaye (4)

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me, so you can see
Oh, what's going on

25. Seattle Seahawks

Like a Rolling Stone, Bob Dylan (1)

How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

24. Houston Texans

Good Vibrations, The Beach Boys (6)

I dont know where but she sends me there

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

I Walk the Line, Johnny Cash (30)

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

22. Philadelphia Eagles

God Only Knows, The Beach Boys (25)

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

21. San Diego Chargers

Hound Dog, Elvis Presley (19)

When they said you was high classed, Well, that was just a lie.

20. Denver Broncos

Yesterday, The Beatles (13)

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

19. Green Bay Packers

In My Life, The Beatles (23)

Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them

18. Minnesota Vikings

A Change Is Gonna Come, Sam Cooke (12)

Somebody keep telling me don't hang around
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

17. Buffalo Bills

Layla, Derek and the Dominos (27)

Like a fool, I fell in love with you,
Turned my whole world upside down.

16. New Orleans Saints

Purple Haze, Jimi Hendrix (17)

Lately things just dont seem the same
Actin funny, but I dont know why
scuse me while I kiss the sky

15. Miami Dolphins

My Generation, The Who (11)

People try to put us d-down
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we get around

14. Chicago Bears

Hey Jude, The Beatles (8)

For well you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

13. Dallas Cowboys

What'd I Say, Ray Charles (10)

Tell your mama, tell your pa
I'm gonna send you back to Arkansas

Cowboys will put Felix Jones on IR

12. Baltimore Ravens

Blowin' in the Wind, Bob Dylan (14)

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?

11. Arizona Cardinals

Help!, The Beatles (29)

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

10. Atlanta Falcons

Be My Baby, The Ronettes (22)

I'll make you so proud of me
We'll make 'em turn their heads

9. Washington Redskins

Born to Run, Bruce Springsteen (21)

Chrome wheeled, fuel injected

8. Carolina Panthers

I Want to Hold Your Hand, The Beatles (16)

Oh please say to me
You'll let me be your man

7. New England Patriots

Respect, Aretha Franklin (5)

I ain't gonna do you wrong while you're gone

6. Indianapolis Colts

Let It Be, The Beatles (20)

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be.

5. Tampa Bay Bucs

A Day in the Life, The Beatles (26)

I read the news today oh, boy
About a lucky man who made the grade

4. Pittsburgh Steelers

Maybellene, Chuck Berry (18)

You've started back doin' the things you used to do

3. Tennessee Titans

Sympathy for the Devil, The Rolling Stones (32)

Please allow me to introduce myself
Im a man of wealth and taste
Ive been around for a long, long year
Stole many a mans soul and faith

2. New York Jets

People Get Ready, The Impressions (24)

People get ready, there's a train a comin'
You don't need no baggage, you just get on board
All you need is faith to hear the diesels hummin'
Don't need no ticket, you just thank the Lord

1. New York Giants

Johnny B. Goode, Chuck Berry (7)

His mother told him "Someday you will be a man,
And you will be the leader of a big old band.

Give Thanks, Get in the Booth

When toying around with our Thanksgiving-related post this year, we pondered the question...

"Is there a sports equivalent of the Americans giving the Indians blankets covered in smallpox?"

The only thing that came to mind is the Eagles sending TO to Dallas.

Then again, there are some things as embedded in the American lifestyle as Turkey Day.

Among them are football and television.

Per tradition, you'll watch the 0-11 Lions in their quest for inverse perfection (unless, God forbid, you're in Detroit). Or maybe you'll watch McNabb try to keep his holiday meal down. While you do, think about this post as you listen to the cunning linguists who narrate and comment upon the "epic" battles on Thursday and throughout the weekend.

Turkey

John Madden has become the industry standard. Some people by now are sick of this meat but in the end you had to admit it's not thanksgiving with out it.

Turducken

Joe Buck. Because when he talks it feels like someone is trying to jam things inside me that don't belong there.

Gravy

Gus Johnson makes everything better and can jazz up even the biggest pile of shit on your plate.

Stuffing

Emmitt Smith. Just throw a heap of gizzards and bread together and hope - pray - something good comes of it. Luckily, like Emmitt, you really can't go wrong. Even when he's bad (always), he's oh so rewarding. Plus, you'd just like to shove him up a turkey's ass. Madden won't mind.

Cranberry Sauce

Michelle Tafoya. Sweet, sassy and jiggles in the can.

Hard Cider

Frank Caliendo. It's not something you'd choose to drink normally, but at least one day out of the year you hope it gets the job done as you try to drown out your bantering family.

Sweet Potatoes (with marshmallows)

Cris Collinsworth. Tasty, hits the spot, and is too often surrounded, covered up, or drowned out by ex-players who offer nothing but fluff.

Fancy Table Ornament

Jimmy Johnson. Most brilliant thing at the table, but in the end gets put to the side.

The Last Piece of Pumpkin Pie

Brent Musberger. Some people cannot stand him (or the pie), and some people say College FB doesn't exist without him. As the women head to the stores for black Friday and super savings Saturday, we are stuck at home, molded into our couch listening to Musberger, much as we reluctantly reach for a second piece of pie as the table clearing and clean-up begins on Thurdsay afternoon.

And who's preparing this feast?

Mom who drinks way too much Chardonnay while cooking/eating

Danyelle Sargent. Has uncanny ability to resurrect things everyone believed to be dead and buried.