Separated at Birth: The Big Show

Aside from the Bigelonian tats on the Auction Hunter, Ton Jones is a dead ringer for Paul "Big Show" Wight.

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Backyard Modern Art Depiction of the Macho Man's Funeral

Brilliant artistic representation staged by childhood friend Baktonious.

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Macho Sadness

At least one paper in this country has shown proper respect as the Trentonian appropriately puts the death of Randy Savage frontpage, above the fold.

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RIP, Macho Man: And the Beat Goes On...Yeaaah

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Are You Wooooo! University Material?

Bless my sister for sending me this awesome commercial.

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What in the Heck Happened to Trish Stratus?

Apparently she spent some time in the witness protection program to presumably hide from VKM as evidenced by her darkened hair, altered face and deflated chesticles.

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Blue Crow Law In Connecticut Threatens Democracy

Ol' Blue doesn't live in Connecticut, but if he did he may have a hard time casting his vote for Raw's next General Manager on Election Day. You see, thanks to union thugs and the party machines up in Connecticut, Blue can't wear his causal WWE attire to the voting booth for fear that it would be seen as campaign activity in favor of Mr. McMahon's wife, Linda, who is running for US Senate.

This is clearly some kind of Nexus plot to continue their rampage over the WWE, but unlike John Cena, you can't tell Blue what to do without getting a little bit of disrespect thrown back at you.

In protest of this bigoted policy, Blue plans to get all liquored up Stone Cold-style and go on voting rampage in precincts throughout the nation on Election Day. How can you spot Blue? Well he'll be in one of his favorite t-shirts of course:

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Ric Flair Gets Iced Like Only Ric Flair Can

Woo.

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The Cynic’s Guide to Politics: Off the Top Rope

Yesterday, Linda McMahon, the former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, won the Republican nomination to be the next U.S. Senator from Connecticut. She’s already spent approximately $22 million of her own money, and has pledged to spend as much as $50 million to win the seat.

There’s an old saying from my political science class days that every senator thinks he should be president. If that’s the case, then we could be in line for one of the most entertaining administrations in some time in the not-too-distant future. So we here at HHR thought we would do our bit of public service and help future President McMahon start piecing together her cabinet with those she already knows.

Vice-President: Ultimate Warrior
Politically, vice-presidential candidates are often chosen to “balance the ticket,” or bring something to the table that the top candidate doesn’t have. Since retiring from wrestling, Warrior has become a conservative (to put it mildly) commentator who could help pull in the GOP’s conservative base and Tea Party types. Plus, McMahon would be seen as a model of dignity and moderation by comparison.

Secretary of State: Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Teddy Roosevelt once described his foreign policy as, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Nobody would carry a bigger stick for American interests overseas than Hacksaw.

Secretary of Defense: Sergeant Slaughter
He's the pick for his obvious experience. Plus, with his Iraq/US flip-flopping during the first Gulf war, he’s already mastered the political art of waffling.

Secretary of the Treasury: Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
Because someone has to be willing to finally make some tough cuts and balance the budget.

Attorney General: Randy “The Macho Man” Savage
Supreme Court Clerk: “Oyez, oyez, oyez, the court is now in order.”
Chief Justice: “Is the government prepared to present its case?”
Attorney General Savage: “Oooooooh yeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!”

Secretary of the Interior: Kane
The Interior post is a throwaway job. Almost without fail, a new president will appoint a small-state governor from the opposite party so he can claim to be bipartisan without giving the other party any real power. With Kane’s long-running feud with the McMahon family, this would be a perfect way to claim bipartisanship while keeping the Big Red Machine under wraps.

Secretary of Agriculture: Hillbilly Jim
Traditionally, the Agriculture spot always goes to a governor or congressman from a key agricultural state. While I don’t know Jim’s position on federal ethanol subsidies, he’s about as country as the WWE ever got.

Secretary of Commerce: Ted DiBiase
Because Lord knows we could use some extra money in the economy.

Secretary of Labor: Mick Foley
Able to pull off several different characters (Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, etc.), Foley was the hardest working man in the business. Plus, he’d be perfect to be in charge of OSHA—after the Hell in a Cell match, Foley knows a thing or two about workplace safety hazards.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Nikolai Volkoff
Because, if you believe some of my Republican friends, America’s health system will be modeled after the old Soviet Union once Obama is through with it.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: The Brooklyn Brawler
You need someone in this job who has experience with decaying inner city areas. In other words, Brooklyn.

Secretary of Transportation: The Godfather
He can bring the organizational efficiency demonstrated by the “Ho Train” to our nation’s public transportation infrastructure.

Secretary of Energy: Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka
With his wild hair, glaring eyes and high-flying antics, few wrestlers have brought more energy and excitement to the ring. Now if he can just do something about that whole dependence on foreign oil thing.

Secretary of Education: George “The Animal” Steele
I had a history teacher in high school who used to have Vietnam flashbacks in the middle of class. We all feared for our lives. But he had the highest pass rate in school history as a result—we were all afraid to find out what would happen if we failed. Putting a psycho like Steele in charge of our nation’s education could be just the kind of tough love wake-up call our students need.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Jesse “The Body” Ventura
As a former Navy SEAL and governor, he’s the perfect mix of policy knowledge and political acumen for this spot.

Secretary of Homeland Security: The Big Bossman
You want border security? I’ve got your border security right here!


So there are our suggestions. No thanks necessary. Only doing our civic duty. Just let us know when we can expect our bailout check in the mail.

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HHR alum talks to WWE Superstar John Cena

We can say we knew Illuminati back when he was just Fat Willard, blogging on this website and doing link dumps. Now, look at him, all grows up and interviewing famous athletes.

Check out his interview for EgoTV with WWE superstar John Cena.

And we were just kidding, we don't want to say we knew him at all.

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Acting 101: Linda McMahon Compares WWE to Ronald Reagan, Stops Short of Challenging Nancy to Bra & Panties Match

Not sure if she's trying to win over right-leaning primary voters or piss them off, but according to Politico, "At a Q & A in Waterbury, Conn...a questioner at a campaign event told McMahon: "You have shown yourself to be less virtuous...when you do condone your husband onstage cavorting, in a sexually explicit manner, with other women."

McMahon, in turn, pointed out that Ronald Reagan's acting gigs didn't determine how he would govern.

"If he had played a standup comedic person who did slapstick, do you think that's how he'd operate in the presidency?" McMahon asked.

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How Bill Goldberg's Career Took Him from Lynching Country to Inclusion on Famous Jewish Sports Legends Leaflet

Celebrity Apprentice "star" and former WCW world champion Bill Goldberg was inducted into the National Jewish Sports Hall of Fame Museum this past Saturday.

While his dad called the idea of a Jewish wrestler "oxymoronic as the phrase 'fresh frozen jumbo shrimp,'" while reflecting on his career in light of honor, Goldberg did little to dispel numerous stereotypes - both of Jew and Gentile.

Jew:

Goldberg said he wasn’t looking to make a statement when he started wrestling. He was looking to make money.

"The truth of it is my lawyer called me and told me the money I made from football was going to run out,” he said. “I had to find something else to do."

Gentile:

Many of his early competitions were in the South. One night, in the middle of a show, fans started chanting his name, and Goldberg realized that something special was going on.

"Here I am, this 300-pound guy named Goldberg, and they’re chanting my name. They’re chanting ‘Goldberg, Goldberg’ in the middle of lynching country."

What a mensch.

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Vince and Linda McMahon's Sexy B*tch

No, we are not referring to Vince's guns, but rather the 47-foot "Sexy Bitch," sports yacht that she and Vince dock in Boca Raton, FL according to a Stamford Advocate article on "The running of the rich: Is wealth changing Connecticut politics?"

As we've pointed out before, Linda is running for US Senate.

From SB Nation's Caged Seats:

No, the Connecticut media hasn't discovered that Vince is cheating on his wife with one of the WWE Divas. "The Sexy Bitch" in question is the name of Vince McMahon's ostentatious 47-foot long sports yacht docked in Boca Raton, Florida, which was revealed in an article by the Hearst newspapers after Linda McMahon refused to answer a questionnaire about how she spends her wealth.

Unsurprisingly, the Rob Simmons campaign was quick to bash her lack of transparency.

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Hulkster Believes in Saints, Brother.

I'm confident in the Saints too, but six points is all the Colts will score, Hulkster? I hope that Saints secondary has been saying their prayers, taking their vitamins, and believing in themselves.

HULK HOGAN, Wrestler
New Orleans, 35-6. New Orleans has an amazing new energy this year, both as a team and a city. They survived Hurricane Katrina, and if they could survive that, they can survive anything.

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Waiting For Godunk: The Perth Screwjob & My Nationally Televised Hissy Fit

My name is Kevin Owens and I have been playing professional basketball for the past six years. I decided to start a blog documenting my daily life. I have a degree in journalism and haven't written anything since college, so I figured why not. I don't particularly think I am that interesting, however when telling people about the traveling circus that is my life, they seem very entertained. I'll be contributing some of those stories once a week here at HHR. You can also now catch me on Twitter @Waiting4Godunk. Hope you enjoy!

------

I was watching wrestling Monday night, a typical night for any twenty-nine year old, and I saw Bret “The Hitman” Hart make his long anticipated return to the WWE. Now I was a huge wrestling fan back in the day, so anytime an old timer comes back into the ring I am fairly excited. I spent the remainder of the evening online looking up YouTube clips of the “Montreal Screwjob”. During this time I was reminded of the biggest screwjob I have ever been a part of.

I was playing in Australia at the time for the Cairns Taipans. We had advanced to the quarterfinal where we would visit the Perth Wildcats. A few days before we won our first playoff game in which I played extremely well in. We came into Perth as underdogs. Now I have no proof besides the tape of the game, however I firmly believe someone did not want us to win.

I have never seen a more poorly officiated game. The entire game I was being roughly guarded by an assortment of Perth players, to the point when after the game I didn’t know whether to take a shower, or a “morning after pill.” Despite the physical play that was allowed on me, I was called for fouls they wouldn’t enforce in a 3rd grade girls game. I played a total of nine minutes that game and fouled out.

Now I am not an idiot. I know how to play this game; I’ve been doing it my entire life. In an enormous match like this I am going to use my head and not commit dumb fouls. But something that day told me no matter what I did I would be watching the game from the sidelines.

I, like Brett Hart, have an animosity that I hold deep in my soul for those referees that day. Every game you play as a professional basketball player will influence future jobs. This was not just about the team that night, especially since we ended up winning. This was about messing with my life. If I played a dominate game in Perth, which I am more than capable of doing, I could still be in Australia playing in a league that I loved. Who knows what could have happened if the “Perth Screwjob” never took place.

I wish that I could say that was the end of the story and wrap up my article this week with a well worded summary; however the most embarrassing part has yet to be told.

I would be referring to, as my friends like to call it, the “towel incident”. After "apparently"committing my final foul, I found my mind in a state of great rage. As I walked towards the bench I was tossed a towel to wipe off the nine minutes of sweat I had accumulated. Needing an outlet for my anger I took the towel, bit down on it and tore it asunder.

This would have been a lot less embarrassing had no one noticed. Unfortunately the camera that had followed my journey to the bench stayed with me during my little temper tantrum. And that camera was transmitting a signal to the entire country of Australia.

Back in Cairns the entire town had gathered at the famous Rooftop Casino to watch the live broadcast on the jumbo screen. My wife Sara and my teammate Scott’s wife, Erica went to every game together so naturally they made their way to the casino to watch. When the infamous towel incident occurred my wife was mortified. Not just because I had fouled out, but because everyone watching me rip the towel apart now slowly turned towards her. According to my wife she slunk down into her seat and ordered another drink.

I had no idea this incident was televised nationally until I picked up the phone and called my wife after the game. I believe her first words were, "Should I make a dentist appointment?” She then described to me how the entire country had seen my hissy fit. Embarrassing, to say the least.

The news of this incident made its way to America before I could even call home. My one friend found highlights of the game on some obscure Australian website. He passed it along to a few more friends who witnessed my towel homicide first hand. The next day I received an email telling me to search my name on Wikipedia.

When I did I saw that not only had a made up version of the towel incident made it onto the page, but several other ridiculously embellished stories from my past. This page alludes to a ridiculous prank my “friends” played on me when we went to see the Phillies during spring training that year, which I will publish in a future blog.


Long story short…I know too late…If you ever get the chance to play in front of a nationally televised audience, make sure your towel is used for its intended purpose only.

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Linda McMahon's "Family-Friendly" WWE

Just Because One Employs Porn Stars Doesn't Make One a Pornographer.

Bill & Hill?

We mentioned in August that now-former WWE CEO Linda McMahon had tossed her hat into US politics. In September we posted her first ad. Since that time, she has positioned herself among front-runners for the Republican nomination in Connecticut to run against embattled incumbent Chris Dodd.

As her campaign has taken shape, critics argue the WWE has scrubbed its image to inoculate her from criticism over its traditionally racy content (while McMahon herself rarely even mentions her company by name on the trial).

One of those more notable critics is former 'rassler "Superstar" Billy Graham. From the Hartford Courant last month:

Superstar Billy Graham is speaking out against the woman he says made millions from the violence, sexual exploitation, blood and excesses of professional wrestling. What outrages him particularly, he says, are recent attempts to sanitize the wrestling mega-enterprise whose sexy women wrestlers once performed in "lingerie matches" and were still posing nude in Playboy as recently as 2008. He views this toning down as a huge act of hypocrisy — an attempt to graft a family-friendly face onto a business that has been anything but.

What's head-scratching, then, is the Fed's decision last week to bring the 2008 Playboy Magazine Model of the Year, Jillian Beyor (who wrestling sites are claiming - read: gossiping - "appeared in a few adult themed fetish video shoots back in 2007 under the name Brianna"), as one of their renowned Divas.

"El Placer Di Viver" must be Spanish for "Family Edition."

Beyor shares esteemed company with Sable, Chyna, Torrie Wilson, Christy Hemme, Ashley Massaro, Maria Kanellis, and Candice Michelle as Diva/Playmates.

If the soft-core rumors are true, with Michelle, she shares the distinction of hitting Diva/Playmate/Porn Star trifecta.

Michelle was fired back in June for not looking "Diva-like." With the overall toning-down of the television product, one must wonder, however, whether it was a politically motivated move to distance the company (and thus, the candidate) from a porn star. And conversely, why they'd bring on Beyor.

Getting back to Michelle, under the name Mackenzie Montgomery, Michelle appeared in over 60 hardcore porn films and scenes before and during her time as a WWE Diva, specializing in bondage films (including classics Gagged and Frightened!, Bare Breasted Bondage Girls, Hand Gagged!, and Guys And Girls: Ropes And Gags. The impressive resume reads like an RS Video order.



Why does this matter?

Well, it just seems disingenuous of candidate McMahon to 1. Distance herself for the company that's afforded her the luxury of self-financing her campaign; and 2. pretend it's something it's not.

(Then again, she's running for the US Congress. Lies and mistruths are part of the game I suppose.)

From Politico's Josh Kraushaar ("A Smackdown Against Linda McMahon"), "McMahon has played down her professional background on the campaign trail, and dismisses the criticism of the WWE, calling it family-friendly entertainment."



You want a seat in the US Senate? Start by being truthful about your own company. Everyone knows its reputation anyway. Hell, they can just check the YouTubes if they're unsure: If it's not the above Playmates getting down and dirty on the programs, you can always catch 10 minutes of simulated sex between two of the fighters.

But relax, Linda. People will understand that it's just "sports entertainment." Embrace it. It's not like you're peddling this smut to kids.

Oh wait, maybe you are.

Anyway, your real liability is this guy:

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Separated at Birth: Odalay!

Today on Jim Rome, Junior Seau paid homage to former WCW, nWo, lWo, Filthy Animal, Konnan.

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Oh Captain, My Captain: Lou Albano passes away

Sad News for old school 'rasslin fans. Captain Lou Albano passed away today.

The Wild Samoans could not be reached for comment, and even if they could, who the hell could understand them?

Let's all pluck our rubber bands for a 21 snap salute.

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Separated at Birth: Whatchagonnadobrother?

Has Troy Tulowitzki ever crippled a close friend and/or have an Indiglo orange-colored father who likes to wear spandex?

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Oooooh Yeeeeaaah: Inappropriate Macho Man Moments

I could watch this 500 times and laugh harder each time.

Oooooooh Yeeeaaaaah!

Tosh.0	Thursdays at 10pm / 9c
"Macho Man" Randy Savage
www.comedycentral.com
Web Redemption 2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction Demi Moore Picture

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