Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Cynic’s Guide to Politics: Off the Top Rope

Yesterday, Linda McMahon, the former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, won the Republican nomination to be the next U.S. Senator from Connecticut. She’s already spent approximately $22 million of her own money, and has pledged to spend as much as $50 million to win the seat.

There’s an old saying from my political science class days that every senator thinks he should be president. If that’s the case, then we could be in line for one of the most entertaining administrations in some time in the not-too-distant future. So we here at HHR thought we would do our bit of public service and help future President McMahon start piecing together her cabinet with those she already knows.

Vice-President: Ultimate Warrior
Politically, vice-presidential candidates are often chosen to “balance the ticket,” or bring something to the table that the top candidate doesn’t have. Since retiring from wrestling, Warrior has become a conservative (to put it mildly) commentator who could help pull in the GOP’s conservative base and Tea Party types. Plus, McMahon would be seen as a model of dignity and moderation by comparison.

Secretary of State: Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Teddy Roosevelt once described his foreign policy as, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Nobody would carry a bigger stick for American interests overseas than Hacksaw.

Secretary of Defense: Sergeant Slaughter
He's the pick for his obvious experience. Plus, with his Iraq/US flip-flopping during the first Gulf war, he’s already mastered the political art of waffling.

Secretary of the Treasury: Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
Because someone has to be willing to finally make some tough cuts and balance the budget.

Attorney General: Randy “The Macho Man” Savage
Supreme Court Clerk: “Oyez, oyez, oyez, the court is now in order.”
Chief Justice: “Is the government prepared to present its case?”
Attorney General Savage: “Oooooooh yeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!”

Secretary of the Interior: Kane
The Interior post is a throwaway job. Almost without fail, a new president will appoint a small-state governor from the opposite party so he can claim to be bipartisan without giving the other party any real power. With Kane’s long-running feud with the McMahon family, this would be a perfect way to claim bipartisanship while keeping the Big Red Machine under wraps.

Secretary of Agriculture: Hillbilly Jim
Traditionally, the Agriculture spot always goes to a governor or congressman from a key agricultural state. While I don’t know Jim’s position on federal ethanol subsidies, he’s about as country as the WWE ever got.

Secretary of Commerce: Ted DiBiase
Because Lord knows we could use some extra money in the economy.

Secretary of Labor: Mick Foley
Able to pull off several different characters (Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, etc.), Foley was the hardest working man in the business. Plus, he’d be perfect to be in charge of OSHA—after the Hell in a Cell match, Foley knows a thing or two about workplace safety hazards.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Nikolai Volkoff
Because, if you believe some of my Republican friends, America’s health system will be modeled after the old Soviet Union once Obama is through with it.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: The Brooklyn Brawler
You need someone in this job who has experience with decaying inner city areas. In other words, Brooklyn.

Secretary of Transportation: The Godfather
He can bring the organizational efficiency demonstrated by the “Ho Train” to our nation’s public transportation infrastructure.

Secretary of Energy: Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka
With his wild hair, glaring eyes and high-flying antics, few wrestlers have brought more energy and excitement to the ring. Now if he can just do something about that whole dependence on foreign oil thing.

Secretary of Education: George “The Animal” Steele
I had a history teacher in high school who used to have Vietnam flashbacks in the middle of class. We all feared for our lives. But he had the highest pass rate in school history as a result—we were all afraid to find out what would happen if we failed. Putting a psycho like Steele in charge of our nation’s education could be just the kind of tough love wake-up call our students need.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Jesse “The Body” Ventura
As a former Navy SEAL and governor, he’s the perfect mix of policy knowledge and political acumen for this spot.

Secretary of Homeland Security: The Big Bossman
You want border security? I’ve got your border security right here!

So there are our suggestions. No thanks necessary. Only doing our civic duty. Just let us know when we can expect our bailout check in the mail.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.