Fat Willard reads (between) the headlines

Struggling Bulls crushed (in) Nuggets

Tebow brushes aside Florida State’s (trashy women), talk(s to trashy men instead)

Calling it early — LSU reaches title game (CRACCCKKKKK!!!! fucking limb just broke underneath me)

The Border War never mattered more (except when the Mexicans tried to sneak in)

Trojan Force (sounds like a nickname for a date rapist)

Chiefs vague about Priest's injury (but might have gotten hurt chasing alterboy)

Fat Willard reads (between) the headlines

Lindros announces retirement (and that he refuses to play for the Nordiques this season and fish have feelings like people)
(Let this be a lesson to you kids about the dangers of concussions)

Clemens eyes Astros — for (next fake) retirement (hand)job

McNabb says he's 'not fully to blame' for 3-5 (Reid and crack head kids are partly responsible)

Dodgers introduce Torre after 'whirlwind' ride (on Ventura Freeway with the top down and the wind gusting through our hair like high school seniors on the last day of…wait..what the hell was I talking about?)

Kobe, Lakers make Jazz latest victim (of rape…errr..consensual sex)

Brady’s clutch play (of Gisele’s meat curtains) cements his M(ost)V(aluable)P(enis) status

Johnson wins third straight (night), takes (poonani) Chase lead

Yanks ready to sweeten Posada offer (dinner, The Notebook AND a sensual massage)

Tampa Bay ends deal with the Devil (but God and bad decisions will ensure they suck for years to come)

Shula softens (stool and) stance (with some fig spread on nice soft wheat bread)

HHR reads (between) the headlines

Testaverde sits out practice (can't get back up)
Carr likely Panthers starter against Titans on Sunday

Bills give (injured) QB job back to Losman
Wrist injury will keep rookie Edwards on the sidelines

Yankees name Girardi manager (A-Rod, A-Hole and Boras 'Little Douche')
Former catcher declines last-minute Dodgers offer (of Mia Hamm)

Schilling (likes sex with men) says Red Sox favored, but dozen others possible