Things I Know I Know: Someone Needs to Teach Peter King About the Legislative Process

Says PK in today's MMQB:

"d. Congress: I know you've got more pressing things on your plate, but that law you passed about commercials not being played at a higher volume than regular programming? In the Ravens-Chiefs game, unless my ears were playing tricks on me, it was happening big-time."

But, as he should know, legislation does not usually become immediately effective. A quick look shows the bill goes into effect a year after passage.

SEC. 2. RULEMAKING ON LOUD COMMERCIALS REQUIRED.

(a) Regulation Required- Within 1 year after the date of enactment of this Act, the Federal Communications Commission shall prescribe pursuant to the Communications Act of 1934 (47 U.S.C. 151 et seq.) a regulation that is limited to incorporating by reference and making mandatory (subject to any waivers the Commission may grant pursuant to subsection (b)(2)) the `Recommended Practice: Techniques for Establishing and Maintaining Audio Loudness for Digital Television' (A/85), and any successor thereto, approved by the Advanced Television Systems Committee, only insofar as such recommended practice concerns the transmission of commercial advertisements by a television broadcast station, cable operator, or other multichannel video programming distributor.

(b) Implementation-

(1) EFFECTIVE DATE- The Federal Communications Commission shall prescribe that the regulation adopted pursuant to subsection (a) shall become effective 1 year after the date of its adoption.

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Blogs with Balls 1.0 is in the Books

A thorough breakdown of Blogs with Balls will be up soon, but for now feel free to check out what people are saying right now about the event.

We have lots of pictures and videos to come, but this one is one of my favorites, if only because it went from being an idea of ours late Wednesday to being shot and edited by Thursday night.

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Have You Gotten Your BlogsWithBalls Tickets Yet?

Athletes in need of 'Mail Goggles'

We are all guilty. The late night nookie text to the crazy chick. The early morning phone call to a coworkers voicemail. The drunk email to remind the ex that 'NOBODY gets rid of an All-American.' (What? That just happened to me?)

Thankfully Google has at least found a way to prevent the regretful emails that drunk morons would send and regret probably for the rest of their lives. They have devolped Google "Mail Goggles" in an attempt to cut down on late night emails.

The fellas at Tasty Booze explain...

Basically once you hit the send button on that email you composed at 2:45 a.m. Saturday morning Mail Goggles will present you with five math problems that have to be solved in a limited amount of time. If your piss soaked brain can complete the computations in the given time limit you are fucked and your message will be sent. If however you can’t get the Windows calculator open in time to solve all the problems your message will not be sent. By default Mail Goggles only becomes active on Friday and Saturday nights between 10:00 p.m. and 4:00 a.m. but those times and days are completely configurable in the Settings menu.

Thank you Google, for making life a little easier for us idiots.

This innovation got us to thinking about how this could effect the world of sports. Here are some people who need Google Goggles permanetly set on their accounts to prevent any more embarassing email exchanges like these.

To: myabs@clevelandbrowns.com

Fr: bquinn@nd.edu

Re: Your Awesomeness

Yo,

You looked so hot today under those pads. I caught you checking me out on the way to the shower. Yeah I am not sure why I shower either, I never play. My eyes weren't wandering in the shower, I only have eyes for you. Jamal Lewis' penis ain't bad though.

Crunch ya' later,

B-

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: BradyT@patriots.com; thegunslinger@nyjets.com

Fr: marybethking@colgateuniversity.edu

Re: Hey guys

Hey,

It's me Peter. Look I know you both blocked my email address but just hear me out. I am sorry. So I got carried away. Can't we talk it out? Meet over coffee? The next time the Pats play the Jets we should meet up. Let me know. Email me back or call the personal number I gave you both.

Friends Forever,

Pete

------------------------------------------------

To: sweetlou@chicagocubs.com;rharden@chicagocubs.com, asoriano@chicagocubs.com,

Fr: thegoodpeopleofchicago@verizon.com

Thanks assholes.

------------------------------------------------------------

To: america@aol.com

Fr: gbettman@nhl.com

Eh America,

Ugh, we are starting again. Just letting you know. Throwing it out there. We are on TV. Somewhere. Just telling you.

God Speed,

Gary

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: thedefenseteam@jacobyandmeyers.com

Fr: thejuice@avis.com

Re: Stupid ass suckas

Dear Dummies,

Good job. How I going to get away with murder but I can't rob no one without going to jail? Ya'll suck. I wish Johnny and Robert weren't dead. I'd be golfing right now. I ever get outta here I am gonna kill you.

Pissed off,

OJ

Frozen Balls

Out of curiosity, I clicked on Pete King's article today to see if it was stained with Favre-induced tears. Instead he tries to go all Henry David Thoreau meets Bill Ney on us.

Never one to disappoint, though, I spit my coffee out when I came across this line:

"They practiced with the frozen balls last week. "

Poetic, yet scientific, indeed.

I aim to please!

Favre-able Conditions

I was all set to do a send up of Peter King's latest ode to Favre-ness, but it turns out I can't look at blowjobs on my work computer. So for all of you out there in similar situations, here is the offending piece in convenient video form:

4th Estate Graffiti: Peter King Sits on a Throne of Lies

From yesterday's weekly contribution to Epic Carnival...

...when not hanging with Mayor McCheese and snorting Tater Tots off dead hookers, of course.

It's The Chief's weekly 4th Estate Graffiti!

Click for a version bigger than Jon Runyan's Eff You to Brian Westbrook fantasy owners.

4th Estate Grafitti: Peter King, Defying Expectations

Click the logo below for this week's 4th Estate Graffiti featuring Boy scouts, RUN-DMC, Warren Buffett and P.K.'s tingling...and it's not in Favre's elbow.

Reliving Peter King's Fantasy

From this week's 4th Estate: A Jackson Pollack of Sarcasm contribution at Epic Carnival:

"Playing a game with Peter King called 'just the tips.' Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair. "

(Click for a better looks)

Dear Peter King….I hate you

I am fine with fantasy experts. It shouldn’t really be a profession because it’s such a crap shoot but if someone is ‘talented’ enough to convince a million dollar company to hire him for his expertise on an activity that takes as much skill, strategy and dumb luck as checkers, well good for that individual.

Nothing is worse than an expert saying one of your guys will have a big day. They are having a good season and then someone notices and its four straight weeks of no catches or 40 yards on 20 carries. It’s like dating the town whore. She nails anyone with a debit card but decides you are the guy she wants to “turn over a new leaf with.” Blue Balls, party of two, your table is now ready. (Case in point, LT is having a fantastic ‘town whore’ season. Ask his first time owners)

That brings us to ole’ margarine mouth himself: Peter King. (How do you like that segway?—smooth). This season SI.com has ‘gently forced’ him to make weekly fantasy picks. He probably said no thinking it would harm his reputation (and he was right) but then when the company that signs your paycheck pushes enough you basically have to submit to their wishes.

That brings us to this week. King decided to highlight Marshawn Lynch and JP Losman as his ‘good picks this week.’ Both of which I am depending on to guide me to a win, keep me alive for the playoffs and salvage an otherwise terrible season.

If he stays true to form, King has just kicked me squarely in the nuts.

Jesus Christ has it come to that? Banking on Losman and the Buffalo Bills? Seriously, Pete, just kick again for good measure. I have a date with the town whore I am not going to need them anyway.

4th Estate Grafitti: Taking Fantasy Advice from Peter King?

Check out our new feature at Epic Carnival, The 4th Estate Graffiti: A Jackson Pollack of Sarcasm.

Click on the logo to check it out...

Peter King makes assumptions

Peter King, MMQB: Can you believe Julius Peppers is sackless in five games? That's like A-Rod being homerless in the playoffs.

A-Rod:



By my count that's 7 HR's in 147 at bats over 39 career playoff games. Julius Peppers should complain about this malicious hit.

-posted by the chief

IDK, my BFF Trent?

What he actually texted

What we think he texted

King to Green, 5:14 p.m: "peter king here. wu?''

Green to King, 9:06 p.m: "Will b ok. B on Rams prtc fld soon. TG.''

King to Green: 9:08 p.m. "hey -- how about johnson calling your block a malicious hit? feel better. peter.''

Green 9:10 p.m.: “I g2g rest. Night”

King 9:12 p.m: “I am going to say that you agree.”

Green 9:15p.m.: "MYOB Would ya?"

King 9:22 p.m.: "TISNF"

Green 9:30 p.m.: "PK, HELP, C-LO LMN trying 2 KILL Me"

King text 9:31 p.m.: "g2g Mary Beth otol. Call me, we can grab a latte."

Things I learned after Week 2 of the NFL, MLB, college football and a weekend loaded with sports

On Friday I watched ESPN Classic and a Michigan and ND nail biter from 1999. Couple of quick points:
• Notable future NFL players: Michigan- Tom Brady, Drew Hensen, Anthony Thomas, David Terrell. ND- mmmm Touchdown Jesus is about it. I have to check the '99 roster online to find out if Notre Dame had any future NFL players- aside from a few linemen there was Arnaz Battle and David Givens.
• Brent Musberger and Dan Fouts have the call and they can't say enough about the future potential of Thomas and Hensen. Brady is kind of an after thought in the game. Funny how life turns out.
• How do you come up with a nickname for a guy named Jack Arute? Say it out loud. It’s like a built-in nickname. JACK ARUTE!!!!!
• They keep calling Thomas “A-Train” which got me thinking; has any college player with a nickname made a successful transition to the NFL and become a star?

Watched the UConn and Temple game to get me ready for a weekend of football. Temple might have the worst uniforms ever. I might fall into some odd territory here but clothes do make a person feel 100% better about themselves. And a winning attitude is sometimes the difference between success and failure. If I had to walk onto a field every week in these things, I'd give up by the coin toss.



Could the athletic department throw down a little scratch on a decent helmet decal? It looks like equipment manager stole the word Temple from a local synagogue bulletin board and stuck them on the helmets.

I watched a pee-wee football game on Saturday afternoon. It’s great for a ton of laughs. High snaps, quarterbacks sacks because their offensive line is tying their shoes or chasing bees, the coach looks frustrated on the sideline but has a slight smirk because he gets paid no matter how terrible his team plays. The kids are trying so hard but can’t make any positive yardage. Oh wait…it was a Notre Dame game.

I went to a local bar to watch USC vs. Nebraska. I am usually not the “go out and watch a game” guy. I like being home; having the remote, free food, and a clean bathroom. But I’ve been stuck in the house for two days with a head cold and its finally subsided.

Twelve minutes into the second quarter and I remember why I am not a “go out guy.” It was karaoke night. Which is fine. But they shut down the one big screen to show videos and words to the songs. The game was benched to the smaller screens stationed nowhere near where I was sitting. So I found my attention drawn to the screen with videos. I’ve never seen the Hot, Hot, Hot video. So sue me.

I am just as much a fantasy expert as the guy that ESPN pays.

The keys to being a successful NFL player (according to every announcer to ever call a game)
1) Be the first person at the stadium
2) Be the last person to leave
3) Always be in the weight room

So, have a good alarm clock, nothing to do after practice and hang around the gym. Screw talent

Things that sound dirty but aren’t: (both compliments of John Madden.)
“I haven’t gone to my tight end in awhile. Let me give him a bone.”
“Tom Brady likes his tight end down in this spot.”

I can feel that Red Sox Nation hates JD Drew. It’s palpable. If they weren’t five and half up with less than a month to play he would be hanging from Pesky Pole right about now.

Those Miller Lite “Commish” commercials will be very unfunny.

According to Ed Hoculi, it’s not holding, it’s “overpowering.”

Anytime a player is down on the field for longer then a minute, I think the worst.

(Somewhere inside the NBC production truck last night.) “Camera 4 get me a shot of some on-field camera equipment. Queue up the song Secret Agent Man. Camera 2 give me a shot of Belicheck. Go to commercial.” Who says NBC doesn’t know comedy??

Peter King’s teeth are 83% margarine.

-posted by Fat Willard

Gambling is What Gets Players into these Messes

(That and sociopath tendencies)

From Peter King's 7/24 post on CNN/SI:

"I would bet you," Tampa Bay cornerback Ronde Barber told me, "that every player in the NFL knows someone who has been to a dogfight."

Only an idiot would take that bet. Surely, every player in the NFL knows Michael Vick. What a huckster that Ronde is.

"10 Things I Think. Seriously, I Think These Things... True Story"

by Peter the King

1. I think part of the process of social, political and technological integration we call globalization is the construction of an increasingly global popular culture.

2. I think enough is enough. It’s been four years now. What do I have to do to get another installment of Lord of The Rings? Each film was like getting a magical ticket to a mystical far away land. And you could stay for 3 hours! I mean, can’t we just make some new stories up? What gives? And where the hell is Samwise?

3. I think this new breed of personal trainer you see at the gym is quite remarkable. You know, the strong aloof ones who couldn’t care less about their clients. “Sure, wave those dumbbells around, whatever…Or just sit on your fat-ass…I get paid either way.” I think their indifference leads to many an adrenaline-charged, spite-filled session for their clients. I really do. I mean, look at me – I’m slightly less fat than I previously was. Which is nice, it really enables me to get my slimmed down mug pretty deep into Tom Brady’s taste-tastic taint.


I think I looked better portly

4. I think the reason USA Basketball has been struggling so mightily, is because US Foreign Policy is really hurting the chances of our young people getting laid while abroad. Why should Kevin Durant have to be subjected to the horror of walking up to a cute, seemingly native hottie only to hear about how big, evil America wants everyone’s oil? Imagine going to the red-light district in Amsterdam only to get a lecture about how you are idly standing by while your President is destroying the world – it’s murder on your jumper. Instead, it just makes you wanna slap a bitch and ask her if she thinks if you had that kind of pull you would be out paying for Dutch vag.

5. Look he’s a great player. No question. Hall of Famer. But, I don’t think Derek Jeter really needed to jump to throw that guy out.

6. I think instead of watching Clerks II, I should have re-watched the Soprano’s finale one more time. I don’t want to give too much away, but it involves everyone gathering in a store and talking blowjobs and sci-fi trilogies. Plus, there’s vulgarity.

7. I think this is sad, and a real cautionary tale, especially coming on the hands of Ookie Mexico’s fall from grace. Nevertheless, I’ve talked to my sources and it appears that Dave Matthews just isn’t that into himself anymore.

8. Speaking of sad...I think it’s really sad how we don’t know who invented the BJ. We hear an awful lot about Madam Curie, but nothing about the first woman to go, “Well you know what would be really great? If I put that in my mouth…”

9. I think it’s appalling that most Americans can’t tell me what a Breakfast-Blend is…Jeepers folks; it’s a medium-roasted blend containing coffees that are gentle and not overbearingly acidic. A balanced brew, intended to be enjoyed with just a touch of milk and sugar so as to provide a flavor that is just refreshing and delicate enough to sustain multiple refills and compliment a heavy-ish American eggs based breakfast.

10. I think when I die it would be great to come back as an 80’s movie bad guy…You know like Johnny or Chaz or something. Couldn’t you just picture ole PK really leaning into someone with something like…”Hey, listen up spazzoid! That’s right, I’m talking to you Pukebreath…Let’s get something straight right now, Buffy is my girl. Wanna know why? Because I rule this school. Dweeb! Then my crew and I would high five, cackle and snap towels as we sauntered through the locker room.

- posted by Chuck Cranston