The Cynic's Guide to College Football, Week 8

We're getting close to the scariest time of the year. Around this corner are friendly folks looking to hand you sweets and goodies, just for asking. Around the other, blood-sucking ghouls looking to steal your soul. But then you find out they're the same person! Every one of them hiding their true identities behind a mask, each more frightening and hideous than the last. Yep, it's election time.

(Oh, and Halloween's coming up soon too.)

Boo.

1. I’m The Cynic, and I Approved This Message

This time of year, we always hear a lot of talk about Washington, DC politicians flip-flopping. Well, apparently Potomac Fever has spread outside the Beltway and is infecting neighboring states. Have there been any more split-personality teams this year than Virginia and Maryland? For Virginia, the season started with a blowout loss to USC (no real shame in that) and then a 16-0 shutout over Richmond, putting the Cavs at 1-1, right where most people thought they’d be. But then things got weird—UVA was humiliated 45-10 by UConn and 31-3 by Duke (yes, that Duke). The Cavaliers were 1-3, with their three losses coming by a combined score of 128-20, and the scribes were already writing Al Groh’s obituary. But a funny thing happened on the way to oblivion—UVA started playing football. They destroyed Maryland 31-0, beat East Carolina and, most recently, upset #18 North Carolina in overtime. Suddenly, UVA is sitting pretty at 4-3. Admittedly, their schedule doesn’t do them any favors down the stretch. But as odd as their play has been this year, I don’t want to even try to predict which ones will be wins and losses.

If it’s possible, Maryland has been even more unpredictable this year. The team that struggled to beat Delaware (14-7), lost to Middle Tennessee State and got shut out by Virginia is also the same team that beat #23 California and #20 Clemson and shut out #21 Wake Forest.

With all this flop-flopping going on, I halfway expect to see Al Groh or Ralph Friedgen on the election ballot.

And you thought Dick Cheney was a heart attack risk.

2. Maybe Brett Favre is Tipping Off UW Opponents?

A month ago, Wisconsin fans were celebrating their 3-0 start, talking about how bad they would beat up on the Buckeyes and planning their Rose Bowl trips. But four straight losses—including ones to 2-5 Michigan and a struggling Iowa—now have the Badgers stretching for any bowl. Fortunately, they close out the season on 11/22 with a home game against Cal Poly (now there’s a novel idea—schedule your creampuff game at the end of the season). But they still will need to eke out two wins against Illinois, Michigan State, Indiana or Minnesota. They may get to six wins this year, but that is certainly not what Barry Alvarez or Badger fans had in mind this season.

Save the badgers.

3. What in the Name of Marshall Faulk is Going on Here?

When San Diego State head coach Chuck Long was asked if he felt his job was in jeopardy, he responded, “Our program is not healthy yet, but we do see light at the end of the tunnel with the issues we're dealing with inside (the program).” Coach, a light at the end of the tunnel is not always a good thing. It can be an oncoming train. Or in the case of a “not healthy” program like SDSU, it may well be a near-death experience. When you’re 1-6 this season, 8-23 in your career, your team ranks 100th or worse in 11 different statistical categories and just led your team to their third-worst loss in school history, your coaching tenure is definitely on life support, and it’s only a matter of time until the AD pulls the plug.

Go into the Light, Coach Long. There is peace and serenity in the Light.

4. Some People Call Me The Space Cowboy . . .

I don't really know how to incorporate this into a story, but I thought it was interesting. And made me wonder why I don’t have a cooler nickname. Kentucky’s offensive coordinator (and head coach designate) is named Joker Phillips.

Hold that block, or see me after practice.

5. Who Knew “Malternative” Was a Word?

Bad news for (insert name of your rival school here) fans: MillerCoors announced they have discontinued Zima.

At least the Natty Light supply is safe.

Rev picks 'Em: Week Six

Despite all the turmoil in the Top Ten, the Rev’ managed a steady 7-3 record picking last week’s games. This week’s slate again features a bunch of good teams on the road...and like the sucker I am, I’m picking seven road winners. Here are the picks:

10 points: #6 PENN STATE (5-0) at Purdue (2-2): Penn State has looked pretty impressive offensively thus far in the season. On the flip side, you could say Purdue has looked just as bad on the defensive side of the ball. After letting Notre Dame march up and down the field, I’m not too impressed with the Boilermakers. There’s a reason Penn State’s laying 12. I say take PSU and give the points.

9 points: #8 TEXAS TECH (4-0) at Kansas State (3-1): Want to take a guess how many total points could be scored in this game? 180 seems possible.


8 points: #14 AUBURN (4-1) at #19 Vanderbilt (4-0): And this game? The over/under is 37 for this game. DEFINITELY take the under. Auburn is positively awful on offense.

On a side note: congratulations to Vandy for becoming a relevant football opponent in the SEC this year.


7 points: #23 CONNECTICUT (5-0) at North Carolina (3-1): Having seen UCONN running back Donald Brown in person last week, you can color me impressed. He reminds me of a Ray Rice clone – runs hard inside, quick around the corner outside. This game will be in the 20’s, but I give the Huskies the edge late in the game because of the wrecking ball they have carrying the load for them in the backfield.

6 points: ILLINOIS (2-2) at Michigan (2-2): Michigan played a great second half to knock off Wisconsin last week, a game I figured they were destined to lose. However, keep in mind that they did spot the Badgers 19 points and did let Wisconsin drive on them at the end of the game with a chance to tie, so I’m not sold that this was a tide-turning win for the Wolverines. That was an emotional win last week, and I’m counting on the old let-down game this week – take Illinois and the points (+2).

5 points: Florida State (3-1) at MIAMI (2-2): This used to be the best game of the year. Now it’s just another midlevel conference matchup between two so-so teams. Hooray for ACC football!

4 points: Arizona State (2-2) at CALIFORNIA (3-1): Remember when visiting UC-Berkeley: dodge the falling bags of poop.



3 points: #12 Ohio State (4-1) at #17 WISCONSIN (3-1): Since making the move to QB Tyrell Pryor, the Buckeyes have actually looked halfway decent. However, all that improvement has come in the friendly confines of the Horseshoe in Columbus. The Bucks take their show on the road to Madison this week, and I expect the Badgers will be out for blood after absolutely blowing an open road to the Big Ten championship last week at Michigan.

2 points: #5 TEXAS (4-0) at Colorado (3-1): Colorado got fat early in the season beating up on Colorado State, Eastern Washington, and a not-so-good West Virginia team. Then they took their show on the road to Florida State last week and got absolutely shellacked. Texas is the real deal and they score points in bunches (they’ve beaten three different opponents by the score of 52-10). I like the Longhorns in the Big XII conference opener for both teams.

1 point: #3 MIZZOU (4-0) at Nebraska (3-1): Nebraska has won 30 straight conference home openers. I’m guessing, however, that the vast majority of those wins did not come against offenses as potent as what Mizzou possesses. The Tigers score nearly at will – they are averaging nearly 54 points a game. The big key for Nebraska if they are to have a change will be to play ball control by running the ball and keep Mizzou’s offense off the field. Mizzou’s going to face a hostile environment in Lincoln to be sure, but they are by far a more talented team than what Nebraska will field.

SEASON RECORD: 36-14

Show or Blow: UW-Madison to Badger Student Boozers

The school, in an effort to irritate disruptive drunks, will deploy "continue a pilot program intended to curb students’ excessive drinking at Badger football games during the upcoming 2008-’09 football season," according to The Daily Cardinal.

“Show and Blow,” which launched in fall 2007, requires students with a previous ejection or citation at a home football game to blow into a portable Breathalyzer test before a game to prove their sobriety.

Cox said previously cited or ejected underage students need to blow a .00 for admittance, while those over 21 need to blow below the legal limit of .08.

You know the routine. Show or Blow, Ladies.
Show or Blow.

What Happens When You Mix Joe Thomas and Gunowners?

You might remember on draft day 2007 seeing Wisconsin lineman (and soon to be Cleveland Brown) Joe Thomas fishing on Lake Michigan. Prepare to see more of that citizens of Ohio.

From Don Walker at the Badgers Blog:

Former University of Wisconsin football star Joe Thomas is a TV star, too.

Thomas, an offensive lineman in his second year with the Cleveland Browns, will be co-hosting "Outdoors Ohio with D'Arcy Egan and Joe Thomas" on SportsTime Ohio. Egan is the outdoors writer for the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

But producers should beware of mixing Thomas and gun owners...