It's all so clear to me now. As I sit here ruminating over the results of the NFC Championship Game, I can just see the answer to a lifetime of agonizing questions.
Foremost among them: Why can't the Cubs make it to the World Series?
Yes, my goals are more modest than you'd imagine. I just want to get there. Winning is secondary.
So that's why I'm so excited today. Because I just watched the Arizona Cardinals defy all odds and expectations and earn a trip to the Super Bowl. After beating the Eagles, 32-25, in Glendale, Ariz., they have a chance to end the NFL's longest championship drought when they meet the Steelers/Ravens in Tampa on Feb. 1.
The Cardinals' last NFL title: 1947. Their last appearance in a title game: 1948. This was before they played in Arizona. Back then, they played in...that's right -- Chicago!
So I say we learn something from this. I say we move the Cubs (last World Series: 1945) to Arizona.
Sounds revolutionary, but it's a perfect solution, and perfect timing. The franchise is up for sale. The Cubs have a beautiful stadium in Mesa. How hard would it be for the new owners to amass the troops at Ho Ho Kam Park for spring training in mid-February and not leave until that wonderful, glorious, final day in late October? I'm sure Lou Piniella -- a native Floridian -- and his players -- many of whom grew up and/or spend their off-seasons in warm climates -- would not object.
Oh, sure, you'd lose some money on your advance ticket sales. But Cubs fans will understand! Hell, if I was blessed with enough money to afford season tickets to Wrigley Field, I would gladly eat my losses if it meant watching my beloved team reach the promised land in my lifetime. Maybe -- wonder of wonders -- they'd get there when I'm still young enough to both see and remember it!
You could even transfer those season ticket contracts to Ho Ho Kam, and throw in some travel expenses. Sure, you'd have to add a few seats and facilities to the digs out west (current capacity: 13,074). Sure, you'd spend some more money.
But think of the payoff! Think how you'd go down in history as the ownership group that reversed the curse! Immortality has to be more valuable than anything you could make at the box office.
I mean, let's face it. Clearly, Chicago is not working for this team.
It had its chance, and failed. Repeatedly. It had 1969, 1984, 1989, 1998, 2003, 2007 and 2008. But something about the city, the stadium, the karma, the aura...it just did not get the job done.
Arizona is the answer when you need a resurrection. Just ask the Cardinals. Or millions of rich retirees.
Really. This wouldn't even be a PR nightmare. You wouldn't have to hide the move or keep it secret, like the Isotopes did when they went from Springfield to Albuquerque. I'm telling you: Cubs fans will do whatever it takes. They'll take whatever it takes.
They've already swallowed the most putrid and revolting of sports realities and managed to keep it all down. Nothing you can do will make them puke.
OK, bad choice of imagery. But you get the point.