Diary of an Ex-HS Softball Player: Entry 11

Entry 11: Shake Your Tail Feather

On Wednesday the 28 of November, our company had a bowling party at the Brunswick Lanes in (Town Withheld). The initials D.M. were shown overhead. I was two lanes to the left and focused on completing a spare when I heard the shattering of ten defenseless pins.

Oh yes Gentlemen! A turkey pranced across the screen. D.M. thrusts her fist and rejoices. Curiosity took over, I maneuvered over to her lane, watched her slug down the rest of her Yuengling and hot wings, and glance up at the score. She fired a 187, went on to bowl 3 more games all eclipsing 150. Absolute monster.

Later seen doggy-baggin' left over sub sandwich parts and wings.

No, Pete Weber, you suck it.

Diary of an Ex-HS Softball Player: Entry 10

Entry 10: The Joy of Cooking

I almost forgot about this story. Before the holidays our building had a little reception for us in the atrium. Cakes, coffee, etc.

Some company was there selling various books marked down half price. Guess what book D.M. loosened up the purse strings for? Yep, a cookbook.

I had to interrogate. "Learning to cook I see."

Response: "Hell yeah, this ordering out twice a day gets expensive."

Twice?? I thought to myself.

After the shock disappeared I tried to break it down. You can't really order breakfast if you work full time and have to leave for work at 7, so that can't be it.

We all know by now her love for the dining facilities at work. So that leaves dinner. Understandable.

But twice? How in the world is that possible? Perhaps she confused the childhood game 4 Squares with her dietary habits.

How do you sneak in another order after dinner? And why am I still shocked by these discoveries?

Diary of an Ex-HS Softball Player: Entry 9

Entry 9: Who you calling a Dum Dum?

Has anyone ever brought two Dannon yogurts to lunch with them? I know someone just that did today...along with her cookies, ham, cheese & mayo deluxe, and diet (??) Snapple.

As i strolled past her cubicle later in the day i noticed a distinct smell of butterscotch.

I ask, "What is that?"

Her response, "Yeah, that's me," as she pulls a large butterscotch lollipop out of her mouth...the weekend can't come soon enough.

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Diary of an Ex-HS Softball Player, Entry 8

Entry 8: French Fries

Listen to this logic. Today at lunch, D.M. had her standard Manwich, chips, fries, and diet beverage. While chomping down on a fistful o'fries, she barks,"It's about time someone at this place learned how to make some good fries! Does anyone want my chips? I'm getting more fries."

I respond, "More Fries?"

D.M. quickly retorts, "Well i know they are going to suck again tomorrow."

Does anyone out there eat double today because they fear the food will be bad tomorrow?

Oh, and no one took her chips, they were later spotted in the garbage at her cube.

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Diary of an Ex-HS Softball Player, Entry 7

Entry 7: Cookie Monster

Latest development in the "War Against Yogurt, Enduring Dannon", campaign…

Today D.M. slurps down her usual lunch in record time and pulls out a Dannon Light Cappucino Yogurt.

I ask, "Hey D.M., where do you keep all the labels that you have to save for the fleece and bookbag?"

"I just throw them in the big cookie jar in the kitchen."

"But D.M., where do you put the cookies then?"

"The cookies usually don't make it to the jar, I keep those on my nightstand."

"You keep the cookies in your room?"

"Well the cookie jar doesn't fit on my nightstand."

"Why do the cookies have to be in your room? Don't they keep better in the fridge or a cabinet of some sort?"

"I keep some of the cookies in the fridge in my room, but others do just fine on the nightstand."

"So there are cookies all over the place then?"

"No, just in my room, if I keep them down in the main fridge I'll forget they are there and buy new ones, then I'd have cookies everywhere."

"So there is a method to your madness then, I understand now."

"Plus I don't have any room for cookies downstairs, that fridge is for the yogurt."

(I get up and leave)

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Diary of an Ex-HS Softball Player, Entry 6

Entry 6: Yogurt Challenge

DM: "Ooh, check this out guys. If you eat 60 yogurts you get a free fleece!"

Mayor Dooley-"but that's a helluva lot of yogurt to eat don't you think D.M.?"

DM: "Nah, one for breakfast, one for lunch, its quite obtainable."

Dooley: "Shoot for those stars kid. When do you have until to eat 60 yogurts?"

DM: "April 20th, but i want to finish early because if you eat another 30 you can get a free bookbag"

Dooley: "But, D.M., you are done with school, why would you want a bookbag?"

DM: "Forget the bookbag and the fleece, i just want to prove to these people that I can eat 90 yogurts."

Dooley: "I don't feel that you can, D.M."

DM: "Watch me, I'll have a new fleece in no time."

Dooley: "What about the bookbag?"

DM: "If i stick to my game plan, I'll have that around March."

Dooley: "But you have until the end of April, why the rush?"

DM: "Its really good yogurt."

Diary of an Ex-HS Softball Player, Entry 5

Entry 5: Cincinnati Chili

At today's lunch, D.M. asks, "Have you guys ever had Cincinnati Chili?"

My eyes lit up and ears perked with excitement wondering where this question would lead to.

Naturally, I begin to interrogate,"What in the world are you talking about?"

D.M. replies, "You know, chili and spaghetti mixed together. It's great, I found the recipe online this weekend."

First off, who looks for recipes online? Especially on a weekend. But I suppose the weekends are prime eating hours.

Second, now that she has discovered this recipe is it safe to say that it will quickly be found on every menu in the tri-state area?

Third and last, did the late, great Flyin' Brian Pillman know of such and if so was he protecting the recipe from falling into D.M.'s clutches in the moments before his death.

And a side bar, she was very upset that she had to have peanut butter and jelly today because she was "all out of mayo for the first time in years." That was I all I could interpret as her attention was focused on her "Chocolate Milk Chug." Yep, that's what it's called.

"What can I say? I tried, but she overpowered me. I'm a loose cannon, but she's got a loose gullet."

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Diary of an Ex-HS Softball Player, Entry 4

Entry 4: The Northeast Feast

I was merely a passer-by, being in the Southeast.

However, I blatantly heard, D.M. snort, "This brie is excellent!"

From what I can gather, D.M. went to Wegman's and purchased the Thanksgiving dinner option (for 20-25) from the catering menu and upgraded to the deluxe package that included desserts such as a variety of cheesecakes and brie.

There are 11 people on the Northeast team, not quite sure why the dinner for 20-25 was necessary and the "deluxe" upgrade may have been a bit overzealous.

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Entry 3
Entries 1 &2

Diary of an Ex-HS Softball Player, Entry 3

Entry 3:"The 5-Second Rule?"

While at lunch yesterday, two more classic Dorris Murphy stories were born. First, a girl I work with came to the table with her lunch (D.M. was almost done with hers - hoagie, pickle, chips, diet coke??). The girl spilled her fries all over the table. D.M. loudly invokes the "5 second rule" and grabs a handful of her fries off of the table.

And second, another employee brought in leftover pies from a family function this past weekend. While reading out the names of the pies...apple, coconut custard, mintz meat, and lemon meringue, D.M. rejoices saying, "Oooh lemon meringue!"

Trying to hold in my laughter and the apple in my mouth, I shoot apple bits all over the mighty D.M. thwarting her bid for the pie, yet she was later seen with an empty plate and fork at her desk.



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Entry 4

Diary of an Ex-High School Softball Player

This is a reproduction of original documentation kept by HHR friend Mayor Dooley. The reports are, for the most part, factual. They monitor the primal habits of a female co-worker, who proves to be nothing less than the iconic and somewhat stereotypical mid-twenty-something former high school athlete. Needless to say, you probably work with someone very similar, perhaps dated her in her athletic heyday, and probably see her out a townie bars everywhere you turn.

Lucky for us, many of the stories happen to coincide with this time of year, so the timing of the release is impeccable.

We encourage readers new and old to check back frequently, because we guarantee this is comedic gold and has a sitcom written all over it.

To protect her innocence the young lady in these diaries will be from here known as Doris Murhpy or "D.M." in honor of a certain actor/movie character that fits our heroine's forte.

Entry 1: "Oooh, are those SnackWells?"

The aforementioned large girl I work with currently known as D.M. (high school softball nickname withheld), comes by my workspace this morning, bagel lathered in cream cheese in one hand, large choco milk in the other. I am sipping my hangover coffee and pealing the wrapper off a Nutrigrain bar (strawberry/blueberry twist) and I hear, "Ooh, are those Snackwells?"

As I thought to myself, "No fatty", I reply, "Don't you have enough on your plate?"

She chuckles and clogs away. At lunch, Turkey Club, with "all the fixins", chips, Nutrigrain bar, and large choco milk. And the capper,

"I can't wait to get all sexed up Wednesday night and hit the town."

Can't wait for Thanksgiving stories.

Entry 2: "Eenie Meenie Miney Moe"

D.M. had two bags of chips today, said she couldn't decide which to get, so settled for both.

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Entry 4