Nationals Take a Positive Step Towards Racial Progress

This week, the Washington Nationals finally broke down the social stigma that has plagued them for years, and became the last franchise in Major League Baseball to hire a white manager.

Before giving the nod to (white) Jim Riggleman, owner Ted Lerner was long criticized for his strong opposition to hiring Caucasians to manage his squad, despite having no issues signing physically-talented whites to play on the team.

An anonymous source close to the team stated, "Lerner just doesn't believe that old white men have what it takes to coach this young, inexperienced franchise. I really feel the only reason Riggleman was even considered was due to pressure from the League, the Players Association and the Congressional White Caucus. "

Another official pointed out the fact that Lerner goes so far as to mock whites by having interns dress as stereotypical caricatures and run the bases for fans' amusement during every game. "Whites are good for entertaining the masses, not managing small-ball. The Riggleman move shocks me."

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

Cole Hamels' Newborn Awarded NL Cy Young Award

This morning, the newborn son of Cole and Heidi Hamels woke up to learn that he had been awarded the 2009 National League Cy Young Award.

The Baseball Writers Association of America noted that Hamels, despite having only been on the planet for mere hours, has shown "extraordinary efforts to strengthen his change-up."

While unable to speak for himself, proud papa Cole noted that his son was "both surprised and deeply humbled" by the award.

In a prepared statement, young Hamels expressed, "Let me be clear, I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as an affirmation of Rich Dubee and Charlie Manuel's leadership on behalf of aspirations held by people in all of Philadelphia."

Partisan critics point out that the decision to award Hamels the National League Cy Young rewards him for not being Brad Lidge's son -- and for his aspirations rather than his achievements.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

Sportswriter Not Actually a Ninja

(Boston, MA) – Despite his name, Boston Globe hockey beat writer Fluto Shinzawa is not, nor has ever been a ninja. Shinzawa, who covers the bruins and NASCAR for the paper, denies any martial arts skills whatsoever, much less a lifetime of demanding training conducted in far off mountain temples where he forged expertise in stealth, assassination, and sacrifice.

“Yeah, at first when I started [in 2002] I thought it was a joke because I was the new guy, and I tried to pay no attention, but now I think they were serious. If I really was a trained ninja, don’t you think I would know more than the tripe that [Bruins GM Peter] Chiarelli feeds us? I’m hoofing it like everyone else.”

Shinzawa’s colleagues are less quick to brush off the possibility the young beat reporter is not a ninja. “I don’t care if he wrote about high school sports in New Hampshire,” said legendary Globe columnist Bob Ryan, "His movements are too fluid, his gaze too steady, and his temperament too even to not be a ninja. And you know what? I’ve seen him wrap his face before, crawling stealthily on the floor – just like they do in the movies - and in the office no less! He tried to deny it and went right past me. But I know his secret. And I honor his commitment to knowledge, justice and making deadline.”

When asked about Ryan’s recollection, Shinzawa flashed a hint of anger but remained calm. “Did he mention that there was a fire in the copy room? I poured my water bottle into my sweater and covered my face from the smoke. Bob was just laying there, making karate chop motions and yelling KEEYAH! at me. I think they said later he had smoke poisoning.”

While he enjoys his work at the Globe, Shinzawa notes the work environment – the ‘ninja thing’ as he calls it – contributes to his looking elsewhere for work. He says he endures the daily borderline racist comments because of his passion for hockey and NASCAR, and the opportunity to break news for a major daily. But thoughts of swift revenge continue to plague him.

I swear if [Globe Columnist Gordon] Edes asks one more time during staff meeting if my byline should be changed to Crouching Tiger or Hidden Dragon, I’m going to call our anonymous harassment hotline. Not that I care, but I don’t think there were even ninjas in that movie.”

A candid interview with the 'middle-finger kid'

Everybody knows him, but no one knows his name. He is known only as the kid. His face has shown up on countless blogs and messages boards for over four years. Ladies and gentleman, Hugging Harold Reynolds presents and exclusive interview with....the middle finger kid.


HHR: So, first question. You are somewhat of a celebrity on the Internet. How has this.....
KID: OK HOLD ON. I gotta say something first.
HHR: oh sorry, I didn't...well go ahead...
KID: FIRST AND FOREMOST, I AM A YANKEES FAN...I ain't no Sox fan, no Ohio State fan. My mom paid GOOD FUCKING MONEY for that jacket and you Internet assholes with your photoshop went and screwed with my jacket.
HHR: Ok, fair enough. So, back to the question. How has this picture changed your life.
KID: It's been terrible. Everywhere I go it's 'hey, its the middle finger kid' or 'hey, give us the finger little guy.' And they all think they are the first one to ask me or recognize me.
HHR: Yeah, thats got to get to you a little. So, take us back to that day, what was happening at that moment.
KID: It was a beautiful day at the Stadium. The sun was shining. The subways were all running on time. Sox and Yankees. My dad was only 2 beers deep so he hadn't passed out or called me a mistake yet. We got to the ballpark early to get into Monument Park but the line was a friggin mile long from all those douche-bag Jersey wanna-be New Yorkers taking their sweet ass time and snapping 18 digital pictures of Babe Ruth's fat head...
HHR: Vivid picture, continue....
KID: We made our way to the third base side to sit down because when the game started some prick was gonna come and take our seats away and explain our seats were in the 400 section. We are on the visitors side and those homo Sox come out for warm-up. I am not really paying attention because this little broad with a tight ass Hannah Montana cut-off shimmies into the row next to us. She came from money, I could smell it. So I am staring at her, throwing her the vibe, and I don't even notice that chooch Man-Ram come trotting out into left field to warm up his arm worse than my sisters. My father notices I ain't paying attention and he tattoos a fresh one on the side of my face that I still feel every time I take a warm shower.
HHR: That's not face paint?
KID: Face paint? I wish. Then at least it would be the same shade as my ass for not getting him a free Jeter t-shirt at that outside stand while he got the guys attention.
HHR: oh....
KID: Anyway, after I come to, I see Manny and I am like 'Fuck you you fucking douche bag no talent prick. Go fake an injury you dumb homo.'
HHR: And where did you learn all this talk from? Your parents?
KID: Are you half an idiot? School of course. My parents. Thats funny.
HHR: Ok, well we've discussed the past, let's talk future. What's in store in 2008 for middle-finger kid.
KID: Well, I have a big spelling test this week, and then spring training starts in a couple weeks. My dad made some cash off a fake injury claim at work so we might be hitting a couple more games this season.
HHR: Well, that's great. That should wrap it up for us. Anything you want to say to all the readers.
KID: Yeah, ugh, LET'S GO YANKEES, RED SOX SUCK, 18-1 you shitheads. See you in April.
HHR: Adorable

Hank Baskett Latest Eagle to Not Call for "More Playmakers"

Today, HHR notes, Hank Baskett became the latest Eagle, joining Greg Lewis, Jason Avant and others, to not make a plea, public or otherwise, for Philadelphia Eagles brass to go out and get more playmakers.

While vets Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, Brian Dawkins and Big Jon Runyan have each made it known over the last several weeks that they need some weapons on both sides of the ball (as well as special teams), some younger players are not so sure.

Baskett was overheard lamenting: "Shit, I got a family, man. The last thing i need is for a Larry Fitzgerald or a Chad Johnson coming in and taking food out of my kids' mouths. I've worked hard to maintain the wide receiver void created by Todd Pinkston and James Thrash, and I'll be damned if I let those efforts lead me to the breadline. "

He added, "I know what Coach Reid demands of his receivers and I think, I know, I've met those expectations. You think they just let anyone wear number 84?"

Reno Mahe has noticeably been the loudest in not calling for playmakers. The Stormin' Morman seems content returning kickoffs with a Woody Hates-inspired "three yards and a cloud of dust," and apparently Andy Reid is "cool" with that.

Reid has been so smitten with his return man, he even went out of his way to hire a 12-year-old assistant coach, only because he resembled Mahe. Yet, he can't see the need to pull the trigger on a pro-bowl caliber wideout, end or d-back.

One veteran seems to side with the youngsters. Williams James, who in a valiant attempt to remain invisible on the field that he went so far as to change his name, has yet to make a pitch on the defensive side of the ball.

Potshot at the Patron Saint

We love the Onion as much as the next bunch, but how dare they make light of the bogus situation St. Harold had to endure!

MLB.com Executive Casually Reminds Harold Reynolds Not To Sexually Harass Anyone

Yesssss!

In a somewhat disturbing news story, the AP reported early yesterday evening:

Thief Manages to Lift about 350 Bras

A thief with a hankering for sexy undergarments slipped off with hundreds of bras from a Victoria's Secret store in broad daylight.

Police in Flagstaff say they're taking a close look at how the thief managed to take off with about 350 bras while the store was open. The anti-theft tags hooked on the bras did not trigger a store alarm.

The theft from the store at the Flagstaff Mall on Sunday was not captured by surveillance cameras, police said. They suspect the items may be resold, and are monitoring Internet auction sites.

The bras are worth an estimated $15,000.

Leaked from the Flagstaff police department was this sketch of the alleged sticky-fingered suspect: