Fat Willard: If you talk to me during an important game, I will kill your family

I understand the world. You just never know when you'll stumble on the next "David on Drugs after Root Canal" or other exploitative venture that leads to instant fame. I get that the silliness of everyday life is a good enough reason to carry your flip cam and everyone thinks their gonna cash in on their passion of selling hand-knitted teapot covers.

This is where I draw the line.



These guys are "Saints Fans" and I'll say that based solely on their fresh new NFC champ t-shirts. This is my issue. If I'm a Saints fan, and this is the Super Bowl, don't you DARE ask me ridiculous funking questions regarding Valentine's Day while plugging your shit website.

Three years ago I watched the Giants and Patriots play a hell of a Super Bowl. My team came out the winner, and while making me incredibly happy, it took years off my life. I couldn't sleep for a week. I was that worked up. It was three plus hours of pure torture. I couldn't talk except for requests of food and mutters of "I'm going to piss, no one sit in my seat."

This is my point. Sports provides incredible highs and gut-kicking lows. The last thing all of us need is someone with a camera asking us to comment on their God-damn website during an important game. You want to record me after the game while I cry like a school girl after her first time, I can live with that. Just don't bother me with stupidity.

I'm saying this now to all the readers, if this scenario ever happens to you at a major moment in your life as a sports fan, you're allowed to grab the camera and shove it in that person's rectum. As far as possible. With no lubrication. None!

And if they follow you out into the street while celebrating they immediately owe you fellatio. I could care less if his wife is inside the house.

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Louisville's Angel McCoughtry Has On-Air "O-Gasm"

Doesn't she know he has no interest in women's basketball or the mentally challenged (both of which she appears to represent)?

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Have You Gotten Your BlogsWithBalls Tickets Yet?

Obama to Women Hoopsters: Title Nein!

"You guard like a Lady Tarheel."

The very first plank in then-Candidate Obama's education platform was "Protecting Title IX":

Barack Obama and Joe Biden supports eliminating gender discrimination in American schools. For 35 years, Title IX has been a bulwark against sex discrimination against students and employees at all levels of education. Obama and Biden will fight to make sure women have equal opportunities and access from pre-kindergarten through graduate school.

Yet, as the sports-loving nation fawned over the novelty of the President filling out his MEN's NCAA bracket, I can't help but wonder how many aspiring adolescent WNBAers out there felt slighted as they waited to no avail for the leader of the free world and mouthpiece for change to fill out his women's bracket.

For all the accomplishments of a Connecticut Lady Huskies team or milestones of a Pat Summitt or the perseverance of a Vivian Stringer, the message is clear...it's all trivial. Your hard work, your courage and your struggles mean nothing compared to your male counterparts.

And this just after he paraded his wife and formal rival out for photo ops (that's what they are good for - looking pretty) and created a nonsensical commission.

"He lets you wear shoes?"

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"Im not gay, but my girfriend is"

Brook prefers skirts to pantsuits.
Photo: Robert Barclay/CMU

The world's only hetro woman's basketball player is suing Central Michigan University over what she deems discrimination of her sexual orientation that she alleges lead to her losing her scholarship after two years on the team.

(Unconfirmed suspicion arose after her refusal to wear Birkenstocks and an off-the-cuff-claim that she "doesn't like the Indigo Girls.")

From WoodTV.com in Grand Rapids:

Brooke Heike said she fell out of favor with Sue Guevara immediately after the coach was hired in 2007.

Heike said Guevara told her she wore too much makeup and was not the coach's "type." That meant she wasn't a lesbian, according to a lawsuit filed last week in federal court in Bay City.

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Government at Work: Self-Esteem for Women and Sam Bradford

As the country loses 500 million jobs a month, Nancy Pelosi finds time to address the difficult problems that face the nation. Today, the U.S. House is set to vote on these important issues of State and put Representatives on record:

H.Res. 114 - Supports the goals and ideals of "National Girls and Women in Sports Day”

The resolution lists a number of critical findings for the future of the nation including:

• Despite great advancement, high school girls still receive 1,300,000 fewer participation opportunities than do boys, and the money spent on girls' sports is still far less than that spent on boys' sports;
• High school girls who play sports are more likely to get better grades in school and are more likely to graduate than girls who do not play sports;
• Girls and women who play sports have a more positive body image, higher levels of confidence and self-esteem, and experience higher states of psychological well-being than girls and women who do not play sports;
• The celebration of `National Girls and Women in Sports Day' would increase awareness of the importance sports play in the lives of girls and women in the United States

H.Res. 60 - Recognizing and commending University of Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford

• Sam Bradford's mother and father have instilled in him an unparalleled work ethic, outstanding leadership qualities, and a desire to excel;
• Sam Bradford is an active citizen of the Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma;
• Sam Bradford is a dedicated student at the University of Oklahoma, majoring in Finance and maintaining a 3.95 grade point average;
• On October 18, 2008, Sam Bradford passed for 468 yards against the University of Kansas, setting a University of Oklahoma record for most passing yards in a single game;
• In 2008 Sam Bradford guided Oklahoma to a 12-1 record and played an essential role in Oklahoma's victory over the University of Missouri in the 2008 Big 12 Championship game on December 6, 2008; and,
• In December 13, 2008, Sam Bradford became the 5th Oklahoma football player to win the Heisman Trophy, college football's most coveted and prestigious award.

Think how good Jordan would have been if he could have paralleled Bradford’s work ethic.

Thank you Nancy for getting these important national goals accomplished.

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The Cynic: Paris Streaks

(There, that title should drive up our Google rankings.)

Long, long ago Saturday Night Live used to be funny without the help of Sarah Palin. One of my memories of the late, great Phil Hartman was the “Super Colon Blow” skit below.

It’s all about one-upping the competition. And nowhere is that truer than in the world of sports. Well, now we have the Super Colon Blow of sports records. One so ridiculous that it will never be approached, let alone broken, in this lifetime or the next.

U. of Oklahoma women’s basketball star Courtney Paris’ streak of consecutive double-doubles ended Monday night at 112 games during OU’s win over Pat Summitt and the Tennessee Lady Vols. That number is impressive enough by itself, but it becomes absolutely mindboggling when you consider this: the second-longest streak in history is 19 games by Old Dominion star Anne Donovan in 1982-83.

To put Paris’ streak into some historical context, examine some other “unbreakable” records. Below is a chart with some of the most impressive sports records of all time, along with what I’ll call “the Colon Blow factor” (CBF). You know, “you’d have to break a record by this much to have the same status as Courtney Paris.”



While I imagine that the majority of our readers (myself included) don’t consider themselves true aficionados of women’s hoops, you gotta admit that is one hell of a record.

This is Courtney’s world. The rest of us just live in it.

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Speedster CA-L Does It Again

Yesterday, HHR's favorite pinch runner, Clarissa Andorfer-Lopez, was substituted into the game to display her base-running prowess and help #3 Arizona State upset #1 Alabama and secure a spot in the WCWS championship.

Well done.

CA-L Update

Yesterday, Clarissa Andorfer-Lopez pinch ran in helping 5th seed Arizona State overcome UCLA in their Women's College World Series match up. The win puts the Sun Devils one win away from the WCWS best-of-3 championship series.

Women's Hoops Rivalry Goes South Philly

It's the classic Geno vs. Pat rivalry. Personally, I prefer Tony Luke.

From FanHouse: Geno Auriemma on Pat Summitt: 'She's Not Playing Us Because She Hates My Guts'

Geno: "I think she should just come out and say she's not playing us because she hates my guts. And I think people would buy that. Then everyone [who seeks a reason] would be happy. She should just say that [Geno is] a dope, a smart-ass and then everyone could say that they agree with her."

My mind is in the gutter

When you think of women's bowling, certain images come to mind....not to play to any stereotypes but....



Yeah, that works.

But then I caught this commercial about 100 times on ESPN the past few days.



And I think the same thing every time. Who are the saucy numbers in the bikini and purple top. I never ran into them when I was 14 hanging at Rock and Bowl on Saturday nights. (It's Jersey, show me something else to do.)

After some serious digging I found Diandra Asbaty. Not too as-baddy.
And a couple of the ladies on the tour aren't doing so bad in the looks department.

Asbaty seems to be the only one to embrace that she doesn't look like someone on the men's tour. I am kind of feeling Clara Guerrero, but Robin Orlikowski and Shannon O'Keefe aren't far behind. Can I get a vote on this one? Who is the best of bunch (leave a comment.)

I might start watching some broads handle some balls. And then catch some women's bowling.

-posted by Fat Willard

I Know What Boys Like.... (Part 1)

From the start, I think Ren was drawn to me because of my interest in, and enjoyment of, sports. Growing up as the youngest of 4 children and the only girl, it wasn't really a choice. I wanted to take dance lessons, but instead played softball for 12 years. I identify with competition, hard work, determination, being part of a team, giving it my all... all characteristics that sports instill in people.

I love sports... and I clearly love men.... but here are a list of things (in no particular order) that I do not love about sports OR men.

1. The need to be in 15 fantasy leagues in one sports season.

Ok. I like fantasy sports and was legitimately pissed when Ren let his 12-year-old cousin's friend take the open spot in his football league, and NOT me. BUT, I do not understand how it can be "fun" to be in more than 5 leagues and on any given sunday have all possible combinations of starting lineups to root for, update, strategize about, etc. Not only do I not understand this obsessive need, but then the need to check up on and "fix" the teams constantly, which occurs after work when attention and time should be spent with me.... EVERY Saturday and Sunday via the laptop, blackberry, cellphone, anything that has an internet connection, and could happen while we're at dinner, with friends, at a family function, you name it. Men become CONSUMED by FANTASY sports... obsessed isn't even strong enough to describe it and it drives women crazy.

2. And sticking with fantasy sports for a moment... Announcing any sort of personal "news" on a fantasy message board.

Engagements, new jobs, the birth of your child... all really great things. Not ok to post these on message boards as your way of telling friends. Really, it's not ok, and it definitely doesn't count as "telling people."

3. Jerseys.

It's ok to wear these to a game or when watching a game. It's not ok to wear these as part of a daily wardrobe. And I don't care if you're wearing your best jersey with your "good" jeans, you don't wear these out to dinner. Ever.

4. Sports Team Hats

It's ok to wear a hat in a color other than is normal for that team ONLY if you're a girl, or a rapper. Bottom line.

5. Complaining that someone's wedding interferes with a sporting event.
Ren and I got hitched at the end of March. Now one of my bridesmaids constantly reminded me of the fact that it was going to interfere with her ability to watch the NCAA tournament, but she is a die-hard college b-ball fan, and was more doing it to be funny, not because she really cared. BUT, she wasn't the only one. So many freaking people complained that they were going to miss the games, yada yada yada... guess what? Most of you, and you know who you are, don't give a rats ass about college basketball OTHER than the freaking tournament. You should have just stayed home and saved us the money and aggrevation.

Seriously, if you're going to complain about this sort of incident, complain silently and not to the bride and groom. It's rude. Ren and I attended a wedding last October on the Sunday of the Eagles/Cowboys game, and the first reunion of TO and his former team. This was difficult for us. But, we did not bother the bride with our issues, found a way to stay updated on the score, and in the end were glad we went to the wedding.

Life goes on. It's really not the end of the world.

6. Obsessive need to change the channels at every commercial break. EVERY one.

Don't get me wrong, I don't enjoy watching commercials at any particular time. However, I do not feel the need to flip to every station imaginable in the midst of watching another show. I don't know if it's because women are hard-wired differently than men or what. Growing up in a house where me and my mom fell victim to remote-hogging men, this phenomenon became apparent at an early age. When Ren and I began co-habitating, it was again reinforced. Every commerical break he either changes the channel, or goes through all 150 channels in the Comcast guide, as if the shows listed will have magically changed in the past 7 minutes.

Same thing happens in the car. On weekends we usually tune in to sports radio. Living in this area we get both Philly and NYC stations, and there are a few choices for sports talk. Because I usually on pay partial attention to these guys, I often get confused because at one point someone is talking about Chase Utley's injury, and the next I am hearing dribs and drabs of a conversation about A-Rod... at which point I find it easier to take a nap than figure out what the hell I'm listening to.

Seriously guys, is it that you feel like you're missing out on something?

7. Tennis, Golf, and Bowling should never be televised

I have to say, I enjoy playing all of these sports (well Tennis and Golf frustrate me - too many years of swinging a softball bat - but are still fun) and I come from a family of bowlers, as ridiculous as that sounds. My parents met in a bowling alley, two of my brothers met their wives in bowling alleys, and one of those same brothers is a professional bowler. Regardless, none of these sports should ever be shown on television. There is nothing particularly visually gripping about any of these sports. At least bowling and tennis are matches between two competitors. Golf is a whole other ball of wax.

Boring, boring, boring. I know that bowling is only aired in the middle of the day on weekends, so I get that it's more of a filler. But golf tournaments take what seems to be weeks, as does tennis, for at least like 5 hours a day. The only sports that can ask you to committ that much time are the Olympics, and only because it's once every 2 years, and encompasses a bagillion different events.


To Be Continued....

-posted by Ariel