The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week 14

What a long strange trip it's been. Some of you are celebrating the fact that your team had a good season. Others (including myself) are left to rehash a more "challenging" season. We’ve suffered through a lot of bad football this year, but the last week did a lot to kind of redeem the season. Some great games with wild endings. Cincinnati and Pitt battling back and forth for a Sugar Bowl bid. An offensive lineman making the winning score for Fresno State. And Texas advancing to the national championship by winning the first ever 60 minute and 1 second-long football game. I’ll have my end-of-the-year wrap-up and Cynic’s Awards coming soon, but I wanted to give just a few final comments on the week that was.

1. Random thought: With the firings of Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino, what does that do to the collective Body Mass Index of the coaching profession?

Note to self: Hit the treadmill immediately after posting.

2. That wailing and gnashing of teeth you hear in the middle of the country is coming from Missouri fans disgusted with the Big 12 bowl selection process, which allows affiliated bowls to choose a bowl-eligible team rather than taking the available team with the best record. In this case, 8-4 Missouri got passed up by the Insight Bowl in favor of 6-6 Iowa State. Nine years ago, Cyclones fans flocked to Tucson by the thousands, and Insight Bowl officials are obviously hoping for a repeat performance. But for Mizzou, the Insight’s move dropped them all the way down to the Texas Bowl against Navy. While Houston has its pluses, and it can’t hurt for recruiting in Texas, a trip to the Big 12’s last place bowl tie-in instead of sunny Arizona isn’t the post-season reward the Tigers were expecting.

This is the best news in Ames since Gene Chizik left for Auburn.

3. Stat of the Week: In last week’s Big 12 Championship Game, Ndamukong Suh had more yardage in sacks and tackles for loss than Husker QBs had passing.

Suh’s shown he can find the end zone. Maybe the Huskers should’ve started him at quarterback.

4. For anyone who didn’t see the ending of last week’s Fresno State/Illinois game, you owe it to yourself to check out one of the wildest endings to a game this—or any other—season.

5. I’ve cast my Heisman ballot and I don’t really have much of a problem with the final five who made the cut. But am I the only one a little surprised that no wide receivers are getting any love this year? It’s not like Golden Tate and Mardy Gilyard were chopped liver.

Mmmmm. Wideout.

6. A Facebook page for fans of Tim Tebow crying has gained over 64,000 fans in four days.

I’m guessing these guys aren’t fans.

7. Last week, Oklahoma State University president Burns Hargis announced that he was pulling OSU out of an NIH-funded research study of a new anthrax vaccine. The tests would have been conducted on baboons, which would then be euthanized. What does this have to do with football? Just this—Madeleine Pickens, the wife of OSU sugar daddy T. Boone Pickens, is a big animal rights activist who recently pulled a $5 million donation to the OSU veterinary program. While Hargis denies any connection, I think we can connect the dots on this one. So let this be a lesson to your athletic department—while it might be nice having someone write you checks with a whole bunch of zeroes, that kind of money always comes with strings
attached.

In a related story, a University of Oregon graduate student mysteriously went missing last week after submitting a paper on human rights abuses and the use of child labor by multinational clothing conglomerates.

8. If Army upsets Navy on Saturday, the Black Knights will play Temple in the Eagle Bank Bowl. You read that right. Army. Temple. Bowl game.

Camo uniforms = bowl bid. Mark it down.

9. But which is more surprising—that Army and Temple could make a bowl, period? Or that USC and Oklahoma would end up in the Emerald Bowl and Sun Bowl, respectively?

I have friends who went to Oklahoma. Christmas shopping? Done.

10. The NCAA is reportedly investigating Tennessee for recruiting violations involving using hookers, um, I mean Tiger’s exes, um, I mean “student hostesses” to lure potential recruits. Wait, a college using the promise of cheap sex with hot co-eds as an incentive to come to campus? Man, when I enrolled in college, all I got was a map of the campus and a free t-shirt.

Note to self #2: Be reincarnated as a Vols recruit.

For the majority of you, your favorite teams will be playing in a bowl game, so stick around for more the next few weeks. For the rest of you, well, there’s always basketball season.

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The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week One

First off, I’d like to apologize to my faithful readers for getting our Week One wrap-up posted late. Wish I had a good excuse that involved Jack Bauer, a case of Jack Daniels, some Cuban expats and buffalo wings (hey, it’s my dream, get your own), but I don’t. So to my loyal followers (hi, mom) and first time readers( might I add, you seem particularly good looking and intelligent today), I give you a belated welcome to college football 2009.

A quick primer on what I do: As the title implies, I’m HHR’s resident cynic. I’m the pessimist of our group, the one who knows that every silver lining has a dark cloud. If you’re looking for another fluff piece on Tim Tebow or just want your SportsCenter-friendly six-second soundbites on the Top 25, you’ve got the wrong place. But if you’re interested in going deeper, seeing the seamy underbelly of the college football world, then follow me down the rabbit hole.

Self portrait of The Cynic. Well, at least I’ve got the hair right.

A PAINFUL START

Last Thursday’s South Carolina/North Carolina State game may have been the worst game I’ve ever seen. Look, I love defense and a 7-3 slugfest between two dominant defenses would thrill me. But a 7-3 game that’s the result of two completely inept offenses is a very different story. The two teams combined for just 389 yards, 12 punts and 5 turnovers on downs. Out of 22 drives, only 3 went for more than 50 yards and 13 went for 5 or less plays. But on the bright side, my ophthalmologist says the ice pick didn’t do any permanent damage to my eyes.

Oh, Fun ‘n Gun, why have you forsaken me?!

WORST. DEBUT. EVER.

When Sports Illustrated decided to do four different covers for its college football preview edition, you just knew that one of them was going to get smacked down in Week One. Unfortunately for Oregon, SI decided to dole out a quadruple dose of cover jinx hurt on the Ducks. There were plenty of people, myself included, who thought Oregon had a real shot to dethrone USC in the PAC 10 this year. And then the season kicked off. Lost in the over-coverage of RB LeGarrette Blount’s postgame punch was the fact that Oregon coach Chip Kelly had one of the worst first games in recent memory. The game wasn’t as close as the 19-8 score would indicate. Boise State completely controlled the game (outgaining Oregon 361 to 152) against a Duck team that clearly was not ready for primetime. Kelly now faces the unenviable task of getting his team refocused after embarrassing themselves on national TV and losing their best offensive player in the process. You know things have officially gone south when you end up on Texts From Last Night:

(541): Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading

Wonder how much Phil Knight would pay to never be on the cover again?

NCAA FLAG FOOTBALL

To paraphrase Alfred, Lord Tennyson: Tis better to have played and lost than never to have played at all. This is a lesson that Division II St. Paul’s College (VA) learned the hard way this week when they had to forfeit their season opener against West Virginia Wesleyan. The reason? No helmets or pads. St. Paul’s claimed that they’ve just been practicing in shorts and t-shirts and had ordered new equipment, but it wouldn’t be ready before the game. To add insult to injury, St. Paul’s is now on the hook for a cancellation penalty in their contract, and West Virginia Wesleyan say they will go after St. Paul’s to reimburse them for 40 hotel rooms for which they had to pay.

100 years of helmets. You’d think that’d be something on the “to do before the season starts” list.

BLOCK ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. BLOCK ME TWICE . . .

Has there ever been a crazier seven-second roller coaster ride than the one to which I-AA Northern Iowa was subjected last week? The Panthers were one field goal kick away from knocking off #22 Iowa (high). Then Iowa blocked the field goal (low). But Northern Iowa recovered the ball with one second left, giving them another shot (super high). But Iowa blocks the kick . . . again (boot to the groin low). All within seven seconds. Let’s hope UNI coach Mark Farley spent a little more time than that working on special teams this week.

For all my new readers, one final disclaimer: I always try to close my posts on a brighter note. A little under-the-radar story that brings hope to the college football world. So here goes. . .

A RAY OF ORANGE SUNSHINE

While Boise State and BYU both did their best to prove my preseason “no undefeated non-BCS teams” prediction wrong, nobody had a bigger week than the Oklahoma State Cowboys. How big was the Oklahoma State/Georgia game? A week ago Sunday (as in six days before the game), I drove through Stillwater, OK (with the obligatory stop at Eskimo Joe’s) and saw a guy on the corner by the stadium holding up an “I Need Tickets” sign. When the scalpers are already out working a week ahead of time, you know it’s a big deal. For the last year, Big 12 fans have heard how the Big 12 couldn’t compete with a real SEC defense. So it had to do Cowboy fans good to see their team, which struggled on defense (to say the least) last year, step up and out-defense Georgia. Georgia took the opening drive 80 yards for TD, and people started thinking “here we go again.” But that and a third quarter field goal represented the only two times UGA crossed midfield. On a day when OSU’s potent offense was clearly not clicking on all cylinders, the Cowboy defense held Georgia to just 257 total yards, all in the cozy confines of T. Boone Pickens’ new $300 million stadium. Granted, Georgia clearly missed Matthew Stafford and Knowshon Moreno. But OSU proved to be more than able to handle this year’s Dawgs. If their defense can continue to play at this level, you now have to include Oklahoma State as a legitimate title contender.

Not sure it was a $300 million win, but it was a very good one.

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The Cynic’s Guide to College Football, Week 6

You know it’s a strange year in college football when College Gameday is broadcasting from Vanderbilt. Fortunately, we’ve (finally!) got some good games coming up, with Oklahoma/Texas, LSU/Florida and Oklahoma State/Missouri leading the way. Still, there’s a lot of bad football being played, and here is your weekly commentary on some of it.

1. Bart Simpson for Yell Leader

Is there a team in America who has underachieved more than Texas A&M? I don’t mean just this year, I mean ever. Sure, this year is no bed of roses (2-3 record, a loss to Arkansas State, a near loss to Army and giving up three defensive and special teams TDs last week). But what has TAMU done historically? A&M hasn’t won a national title since 1939. They’ve had just two major award winners (John David Crow, 1957 Heisman, and Dat Nguyen, 1998 Lombardi and Bednarik). They have not won a bowl game since the creation of the Big 12 (their last bowl win was a 22-20 victory over Michigan in the 1995 Alamo Bowl). Since the days of Bear Bryant and Gene Stallings, the Aggies have won just eight conference championships since 1967, including three for Jackie Sherrill (1985-87) and four for R.C. Slocum (1991-93, 1998).

On paper, TAMU should be one of the nation’s dominant programs. Huge alumni and donor base. Massive recruiting hotbed. Respectable facilities. Rabid fan support. But while Aggie fans like to think of Texas and A&M as entries 1 and 1a in the state football hierarchy, nothing could be further from the truth. Even in good years. TAMU has slipped well behind Texas Tech as the second-best team in the state. And this year, I think that most would agree TCU has moved into the #3 spot with A&M battling the likes of Rice, Houston and Baylor for, at best, fourth place. Their only consolation is that North Texas is absolutely terrible and is occupying the cellar.

While we now know that there is no basement in the Alamo, if there was, the North Texas Mean Green would be there.

I’m not saying this to bash TAMU. I actually like the Aggies, in spite of some of their weird cultish, Kool-Aid drinking traditions. I say this because I think the 12th Man deserves better. While I can’t claim to know the recipe for the magic potion that would make A&M a national power, I do know that all the ingredients should be there.

2. Anyone Want Some Cheese?

Is it just me, or was there an inordinate of whining going on after games this week? Chase Daniel’s anonymous phantom spit allegations (put up or shut up, big boy). Rival Pac-10 coaches complaining about Pete Carroll violating NCAA rules about attending high school games (USC bend the rules? I’m shocked! Shocked, I say!) Jim Harbaugh complaining about the officiating in Stanford’s loss to Notre Dame (Although the game was at ND, it was a Pac-10 crew. And Lord knows they never make mistakes.) I guess, just like the Christmas shopping season, whining and excuses come earlier and earlier every year.


3. My Name is Earl, Football Style.

In some cases, however, criticizing the officials might be justified. (Credit for this find goes to The Wiz of Odds.) Fresno State was down 17 points to Hawaii, but was able to come back thanks in no small part to the help of 10 penalties for 82 yards on the Warriors, compared to zero penalties on the Bulldogs. But the clincher came in the first overtime, when Fresno State lined up for a field goal. You be the judge.



Look, we all know that kickers and punters taking a dive is nothing new. But getting a flag for something this bogus in such a key situation shouldn’t happen. Fortunately, the ball wide right.


4. When Television Contracts Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong

I may be getting a little ahead of myself here, but I found this very interesting and disturbing. Apparently, Fox Sports Net is contractually obligated to carry the November 22 Apple Cup game between Washington and Washington State. While there’s a lot of football to be played between now and then, there is a very good chance that game could pit a 1-9 team against an 0-10 team. That’s some gooooood watchin’.


5. Defensive Coordinators Need Not Apply.

If you’re like me and enjoy a good hard-hitting defensive slugfest, then for the love of God, avoid Columbia, Missouri this weekend. Missouri and Oklahoma State rank #2 and #3 respectively in the nation in scoring offense, averaging 106 points per game between them. OSU is second in the nation in rushing offense; Mizzou is third in passing offense. MU’s Chase Daniel is the Heisman frontrunner and OSU’s Zac Robinson, while overshadowed by Daniel and Sam Bradford, has been as good of a QB as there is in the nation. While both teams’ defenses are not as bad as they are sometimes perceived, let’s be honest—their only job this weekend is to act as a speed bump. I have no idea what the Vegas line on this game is, but take the over.

6. What’s in the Water in Oklahoma?

And while we’re on the subject of Oklahoma State, does someone out there smarter than me have the answer to this question: prior to this year, has any state ever had three D-1A teams be undefeated this late in the season? As of right now, #1 Oklahoma, #17 Oklahoma State and inexplicably unrated Tulsa are all sitting at 5-0. While Oklahoma may not be so great at such things as household income, education or health care, the Sooner State has got this football thing down cold.