Even PETA Knows the Cubs Will Never Win the World Series

I firmly believe PETA does itself more damage than it does good. The organization's reactionary and extreme actions polarize itself from mainstream, good-old American common sense. They abuse humans as if we were not animals ourselves.

In the past, we've pointed out:

• Their hypocrisy: PETA's Hypocrisy: Where's the Outrage?
• Their lunacy: Hillary Clinton's Derby Pick Euthanized, PETA Holds Her Culpable
• And their opportunism TMZ: PETA Tells Pedro -- Go Cluck Yourself!
• As well as their sense of humor: Happy Holidays from PETA and Ookie
• (And lack thereof): Wait until PETA sees Victorino's new protective gear

That all said, we believe in an open and fair forum. And when they make a fair point pertaining to the sports world, it's only proper to give them their due.

I fully acknowledge that I am going against everything I believe in my dislike about the organization's m.o. by propagating on its behalf, but here goes...

We were tipped off by the organization about a new blog post on their site by Director Dan Shannon:

As a lifelong Red Sox fan, I'll be the first to admit that baseball "curses" are a bit overblown. All that the infamous "Curse of the Bambino" ever did was sell a trillion copies of a certain curly-haired sportswriter's books. The Red Sox didn't lose all those years because Babe Ruth was putting a voodoo hex on them from beyond the grave—they lost because they didn't get big hits in big at-bats, field worth a damn, or pull Pedro after the seventh inning when he was serving up more meatballs than an IKEA food court. Not that I'm still hung up on that or anything.

A shot at Shaughnessy! I'll take it!

But I digress. Perhaps you heard that a long-lost statue of our arch-nemesis Colonel Sanders was dredged out of the Dotonbori River in Japan earlier this week, supposedly ending a 24-year curse on the Hanshin Tigers, whose fans tossed the statue in the river in the first place. Can't say I blame them. Well, the folks over at KFC are now offering the statue to the Chicago Cubs as a way to break the team's own "Curse of the Billy Goat," stemming from an incident in 1945 when a fan and his companion goat (yep) were tossed out of Wrigley Field's bleachers because of the goat's unpleasant odor.

I had NOT heard. But I am intrigued. For the record, I am a commissioned member of the Honorable Order of Kentuck Colonels. Tread lightly, PETA. You may touch a nerve.

Today, PETA wrote to the Cubs recommending that they turn down KFC's offer. If Cubs fans believe that they haven't won a World Series in 60 years because the ghost of one goat has it in for them, think about the consequences of offending the nearly 1 billion chickens who are tortured and killed for KFC every year.

You know what? Dan may have a point. Stupid Cubs fans.

Here's my prediction—if the Cubs accept this Colonel Sanders statue, there won't be a World Series game at the friendly confines until KFC's slaughterhouse suppliers stop scalding live chickens to death and the company adopts PETA's recommended animal welfare program.

You heard it here first.

This guy's brilliant and absolutely correct...the Cubs will NEVER, EVER, EVER win a World Series! The Curse of the Scalded Live Chickens!

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Ready-Made Excuses

Across Chicago, Cub fans are erecting memorials for their recently departed team. On the other side of town, Ozzie Guillen couldn't care less.


With 100 years of experience, Cub fans don't need our help in coming up with excuses for their typical October.

But why not? Billy the Goat & Bartman are getting old.

• Negative Roster: Carlos ZambraNO, Ronny CedeNO, Mike FonteNOT, Alfonso SoriaNO
• Mark Cuban
• Jobless Bleacher Bums
  
• Ernie Banks and poser Eddie Vedder
• Preston and Steve
• Ted Lily & Dominick DiAngi
• SI

By "It's Gonna Happen" SI editors, of course, meant "the inevitable."

Cubbie Chaser: Somebody Up There...Doesn't Like the Brewers

What a week, huh? After starting the month by losing 6 of 9 and looking very much askew, Carlos Zambrano comes back from the near-dead to throw a no-hitter against the hottest team in baseball, and then the Cubs work some crazy voodoo magic to take two-of-three from the Brewers and bring their magic number down to 2.

If I wasn't, you know, a lifelong fan of this stomp-on-your-heart franchise, I'd think this was their year or something.

Have any of you figured out what exactly happened Thursday at Wrigley Field? If so, e-mail me at stillinshock(at)whatthehell(dot)com.

From what I can glean, the Cubs were down by FOUR with TWO outs and NOBODY on in the bottom of the NINTH. And they ended up winning, 7-6, in 12.

This from a team that often seems to shut down and hold on after it gets a lead in the fourth or fifth., a team that strands baserunners left and right, a team that let a parade of mediocre relievers keep it in check Wednesday night in a 6-2 loss. We haven't seen this kind of fight out of these Cubs since that ridiculous nine-run comeback against the Rockies on May 30. Can you remember back that far?

Actually, I don't know whether to laud the Cubs here or laugh at the Brewers. Is it just me, or did the Brew Crew have, like, 10 zillion chances to make this a race down the stretch in the NL Central and/or run away with the Wild Card? Yet here they are, having to pretty much sweep the rest of the season to make the playoffs.

There's got to be something mystical at play here. I don't see how any team can fail to take advantage of the opportunities the Brewers have had, ESPECIALLY Thursday's 6-2 lead and countless late-inning rallies, unless its planets are misaligned or its karma is out of whack. Or it doesn't have strong leadership, or its bullpen really stinks...

You want to talk curses? Don't look at the Cubs. They've been pretty darned fortunate all year long. If they don't reach the World Series this year, it'll be because there is a hotter, or healthier, NL team at that time. Not because of any stupid curses.

If I'm a Brewers fan, on the other hand, I'm really searching the stars right about now. (I've got bad news, folks. From personal experience, praying does not help your baseball team.)

The Forthcoming Curse of Dominic DiAngi

Photo: CBS 2 Chicago

On Thursday, the 7-year-old attended his first cubs game.

Hours later he was at Children's Memorial Hospital fighting for his life while recovering from a skull fracture and blood clot after being struck in the head by a Ted Lilly foul ball.

Don't feel sorry for Dom because of his hospitalization. He is expected to go home early next week, and his doctor says his prognosis is excellent and "doesn't forsee any permanent speech and language problems resulting from the injury."

Feel sorry for Dominick for the fact that, should the red-hot Cubbies fail to win the Series this year, he will forever be associated with the likes of Steve Bartman and a Billy Goat. Delusional Chicago fans hate to accept the fact that a reason other than a fluke accident or "curse" could cause their team's perennial absence from the Fall Classic.

So rest assured, Cubs fans. When your beloved team collapses, you have a ready-made excuse at your disposal. Blame 'Lil Dominic.

Curse of Lincoln Financial Field

In Sunday's Trenton Times, Eagles beat writer Mark Eckel referred to Lincoln Financial Field as "The place where Pro Bowl players go to die" when referencing the departure of Javon Kearse and Takeo Spikes, and the likely future departure of Darren Howard. Each of those three were deemed major acquisitions and were expected to reap huge benefits. While an argument can be made for or against their play in Philadelphia, it is safe to say they never lived up to their difference-making expectations.

Since it opened its doors in 2003, LFF has wreaked havoc on the Birds' Pro Bowl caliber players.

2003

Jon Ritchie - Just the type of player Eagle fans craved, a hard-nosed FB coming from Oakland's Black Hole, "after starting for the Eagles for only two seasons, he was cut by the Eagles after a devastating knee injury during the off-season that could not be fully repaired." While not a Pro Bowler per se, he certainly was among the best blocking fullbacks in the game before coming to Philly.


Corey Simon - A Pro Bowl selection in 2003, the Birds tried to franchise him following the 2004 season. After being unable to reach an agreement, he signed with the Colts only to gain 125 pounds and waddle his way off the Super Bowl roster.

Troy Vincent - A 5x Pro Bowl selection (1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003) and 3x All-Pro selection (2000, 2001, 2002), he left Philadelphia following the 2003 season, switched positions and was never heard from again outside of NFLPA labor negotiations.

Bobby Taylor - 2002 Pro Bowler and All-Pro, spent one season in 2004 with Seattle and then retired.

2004

Hugh Douglas - A 3 time Pro Bowler with the Eagles, spent the 2004 season in Jacksonville returned to the Eagles in 2004 to be put to pasture.

Michael Lewis - Named Pro Bowl starter in 2004 and led the Eagles in tackles in 2005. Left Eagles to sign a grossly inflated contract with San Fran. Likely to never live up to paycheck.

Jeremiah Trotter - Returned to the Eagles at LFF in 2004 for two productive Pro Bowl-caliber seasons (having to fight his way to a starting job off of special teams), only to be marred by injuries and let go.

2005

Shawn Barber - Like Ritchie, not a Pro Bowler, per se, but a damned good player...when he was with the Chiefs in between Eagle stints.

Today

McNabb and Westbrook continue to fight the curse despite being mauled by injuries.

It remains to be seen what happened with two current Eagles - one new, one likely soon-to-be-former. Time will tell how the Field of Broken Dreams treats Asante Samuel and Lito Sheppard.