The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week 6

We're right about at the halfway point of the season. Some things we know (Oregon is good. The Pistol is football's newest craze. Les Miles has replaced Nick Saban as Satan's pet project). Some things we don't (How will Taylor Martinez fare against stronger competition? Is Ohio State really the #1 team in the nation? How bad will things get for Penn State? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?). But things are definitely getting interesting. With Alabama proving to be mortal after all, the national championship race is as wide open as I can remember. You could make a pretty good case for any one of 8 or 9 different schools winning it all. We've got a bunch of really good teams, but none that are without their faults. So buckle up everyone. The next few weeks could be a wild ride. Now on to this week's observations.

You Suck. Yeah, You.
I don't care how much you can bench, how many Monster energy drinks you can chug or how many Affliction shirts you own. Unless you've lost a body part during a game-and stayed in the game-you are a great big steaming pile of pansiness compared to Virginia Tech OL Greg Nosal.

Game tape of Nolan in action.

Now That's Motivation
By now, everybody knows that New Mexico State football is really bad. But, on the plus side, the Aggie players still had the luxury of being football players, with all the girls, parties and other perks that went along with that stature. Until now. As Sports by Brooks alerted us last week, an unnamed person or persons distributed thousands of NSFW flyers around the NMSU campus, urging the local co-eds not to engage in, um, extracurricular activities with any of the football players until they won a game. (As the flyer so eloquently put it, "Once you score a win, then you can get it in.")

Crude though it might have been, the extra motivation apparently worked, as the Aggies snapped their 11-game losing streak with a 16-14 win over in-state rival (if you can call an 0-6 team who's even worse than you that) New Mexico.

I'm guessing Coach Walker's postgame press conference wasn't the highlight of the celebration.

New Math
Les Miles is 49% football genius and 51% bats*%t insane. Or vice versa. Depending on the week.

"Les, did you remember to take your meds today?"

When the Lawyers Win, We All Lose
Earlier in the week, the U. of Texas Athletic Department cracked down on an internet company that was selling Nebraska-themed shirts with the famed Longhorn logo upside down in preparation for this week's grudge match between the Huskers and the 'Horns. (FYI: Texas made over $10 million in royalties off of the Longhorn logo last year. I've always wondered how much of that came from Oklahoma fans who bought the Texas logo just to put it upside down. Never made sense to me. You do know you're aiding your enemy, right? OK, moving on.) But it raised a bigger question: shouldn't the makers of Angry Birds be paying royalties to Ball State?

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The Cynic’s Guide to College Football, Week 12

Coming up is some of the greatest football of the year. No, I don’t necessarily mean good football (although the Texas Tech/Oklahoma game this weekend could fit the bill, especially if you like lots of offense and five hour games). I mean rivalry week—that one time of the year when, no matter how lousy your team is this year, you can claim “you can throw the records out the window” and still talk smack about your least favorite opponent. And speaking of which . . .

1. The Cynic’s Game of the Year is Here

Every team has that group of fans who claim, “We don’t care if we go 1-11, as long as that one is against insert name of rival school here.” Well, Washington fans are going to get a chance to prove it. Exactly how bad do you have to be to be an 8 ½ point underdog at home to an 0-10 team with a lame-duck coach? That’s exactly the situation for the deplorable 1-9 Washington State Huskies as they enter this week’s game against Washington and Tyrone Willingham.

And courtesy of a really screwed up TV contract, the entire country (yes, that means you) will be subjected able to watch this piece of garbage epic rivalry game.

Even the most ardent Apple Cup fans will find this one hard to swallow.

2. I’d Hate to See What the Losers Get

As I write this, Ball State just defeated Central Michigan 31-24. The Cardinals are now two games away from an undefeated season. Their likely reward? The Motor City Bowl.

On the plus side, between the Lions and the US auto industry, this may be the closest Detroit gets to seeing a winner for a looooooong time.

GM is a 22 ½ point underdog. I’d still give the points.

3. No Pressure Here

If Utah wins this week’s game against BYU, they are a near lock for a BCS bowl game.

Lose, and they’re likely headed to the Poinsettia Bowl.

The difference in payout? $17 million vs. $750,000.

That whimpering sound you hear coming from Provo is Utah’s athletic director curled up in a ball under his desk.

4. Steve Kragthorpe is a Godless Heathen

Picking a fight when the other team jumps on or otherwise disrespects your team logo at midfield is one thing. Picking a fight because the other team holds a pre-game prayer at midfield? Whole different ballgame.

God bless those pagans.

5. Living and Dying on Tulsa Time

Earlier in the season, I was extolling the virtues of Tulsa’s seemingly unstoppable offense and pondering their potential as a BCS buster. Yeah, I kinda got ahead of myself there. Two weeks ago, the Golden Hurricane lost to Arkansas (no real shame in a CUSA team losing to an SEC team, even with the whole Gus Malzahn subplot). But then this week they go and lose by 40 to Houston. Sure, the offense put up 501 yards (and I did learn they have a WR named Slick Shelley.) But they also had five turnovers. And TU’s defense? Um, yeah. The Cougars were up 42-17 at half and scored TDs on their first three possessions of the second before Houston coach Kevin Sumlin took his foot off the pedal (the Cougars only scored one offensive TD in the last quarter-and-a-half).

So let’s examine the timeline:

2008: UH beats TU by 40.

1988: UH hangs 82 on Tulsa in an 82-28 win.

1968: UH sets an FBS record for points against a major college opponent with 100-3 win over Tulsa in 1968.

Note to self: go to Vegas in 2028 and bet the farm on Houston.

6. I’ll Take “Message Board Posts I Wish I’d Written” for $1000, Alex

Bad football can sometimes lead to some really good writing (this blog may or may not be an example of that). This week saw one of the most inspired pieces of sports message board writing I’ve seen in some time. A Baylor fan posted a note on a Texas A&M message board letting Aggie fans know how to act now that they have replaced the Bears at the bottom of the Big 12 South hierarchy (side note: how bad do you have to be when you’re getting smack talked by Baylor? Yeesh.)

At any rate, the message was quickly deleted by the Aggie board admins but, thanks to the miracle of Google cache, a Houston blogger was able to repost the guide to being in last place. This is some good, good stuff and could be useful for lots of your various smack talk needs over the next couple of weeks.

Chapter 3: How ‘bout that Aggie lacrosse team?