The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week 6

We're right about at the halfway point of the season. Some things we know (Oregon is good. The Pistol is football's newest craze. Les Miles has replaced Nick Saban as Satan's pet project). Some things we don't (How will Taylor Martinez fare against stronger competition? Is Ohio State really the #1 team in the nation? How bad will things get for Penn State? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?). But things are definitely getting interesting. With Alabama proving to be mortal after all, the national championship race is as wide open as I can remember. You could make a pretty good case for any one of 8 or 9 different schools winning it all. We've got a bunch of really good teams, but none that are without their faults. So buckle up everyone. The next few weeks could be a wild ride. Now on to this week's observations.

You Suck. Yeah, You.
I don't care how much you can bench, how many Monster energy drinks you can chug or how many Affliction shirts you own. Unless you've lost a body part during a game-and stayed in the game-you are a great big steaming pile of pansiness compared to Virginia Tech OL Greg Nosal.

Game tape of Nolan in action.

Now That's Motivation
By now, everybody knows that New Mexico State football is really bad. But, on the plus side, the Aggie players still had the luxury of being football players, with all the girls, parties and other perks that went along with that stature. Until now. As Sports by Brooks alerted us last week, an unnamed person or persons distributed thousands of NSFW flyers around the NMSU campus, urging the local co-eds not to engage in, um, extracurricular activities with any of the football players until they won a game. (As the flyer so eloquently put it, "Once you score a win, then you can get it in.")

Crude though it might have been, the extra motivation apparently worked, as the Aggies snapped their 11-game losing streak with a 16-14 win over in-state rival (if you can call an 0-6 team who's even worse than you that) New Mexico.

I'm guessing Coach Walker's postgame press conference wasn't the highlight of the celebration.

New Math
Les Miles is 49% football genius and 51% bats*%t insane. Or vice versa. Depending on the week.

"Les, did you remember to take your meds today?"

When the Lawyers Win, We All Lose
Earlier in the week, the U. of Texas Athletic Department cracked down on an internet company that was selling Nebraska-themed shirts with the famed Longhorn logo upside down in preparation for this week's grudge match between the Huskers and the 'Horns. (FYI: Texas made over $10 million in royalties off of the Longhorn logo last year. I've always wondered how much of that came from Oklahoma fans who bought the Texas logo just to put it upside down. Never made sense to me. You do know you're aiding your enemy, right? OK, moving on.) But it raised a bigger question: shouldn't the makers of Angry Birds be paying royalties to Ball State?

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The Cynic’s Guide to College Football: Week 5

Today marks the anniversary of one of the most infamous days in college football history (more below). So, I thought it might be a good time to do a now-and-then theme for this week’s Cynic’s Guide.

A Long Time Coming
Today is the 20th anniversary of arguably the all-time worst officiating job in the history of college football. In the waning seconds of their game at Missouri, Colorado was not only given an extra down, but replays clearly showed that the Colorado QB carrying the ball on 5th down never got the ball across the goal line but was awarded a touchdown anyway. CU went on to win a share of the national championship, becoming not the first, nor the last, but certainly one of the most obvious beneficiaries of bad officiating. But football karma always catches up with you. And how far has CU fallen in the last 20 years? Instead of competing for national championships, this last weekend their fans rushed the field . . . after beating Georgia . . . who is 1-4.

“Gotta get pumped to help tear down the goal posts when we play Baylor in a couple weeks.”

Les Miles: The New Homer.
In 1991, there was an episode of The Simpsons in which Homer saved the Springfield nuclear plant from a meltdown when he just happened to push the right button by playing Eenie Meenie Miny Moe. Later, the term “pull a Homer” was added to the dictionary with the definition “to succeed despite idiocy.” As such, I propose that LSU replace its mascot Mike the Tiger with Homer Simpson. I mean, what better representation of the term “pulling a Homer” is there than Les Miles? The man makes more boneheaded decisions and clock management blunders (see Exhibit A: the last minute of last week’s LSU/Tennessee game) by Week 5 every year than most coaches do in a career. And yet he still manages to pull out wins. It’s uncanny.

Previous mascot experience? Check.

Keep Your Friends Close . . .
Earlier this week, North Carolina head coach Butch Davis said, “I’m sorry that I trusted John Blake.” Funny. That’s the same thing Oklahoma fans were saying in 1998.

“Remember that time when I was just a 12-22 coach, instead of a crook?”

Too Early to Pull the Plug?
In 1983, Turner Gill was the triggerman for one of the most prolific offenses in college history. Gill, Heisman winner Mike Rozier and #1 overall draft pick Irving Fryar were the cornerstones of the "scoring explosion" that dominated football that year, but came up one play short in the national championship game. My, how things have changed. I’m usually a firm believer in giving new coaches at least 3-4 years to get their own players and systems in place before making any drastic moves. But I’ve gotta say that rule may be getting more flexible all the time in Lawrence, KS. Turner Gill’s tenure as the Jayhawks' head coach started off rough with a home loss to FCS North Dakota State. And, aside from an upset of Georgia Tech, has kept going downhill, most recently getting blown out, 55-7, by Baylor. (Yes, Baylor.) Gill has made more news for his “no cell phones the night before games and no girls after 10 pm” rules than anything the Jayhawks have done on the field.

Don’t worry, Jayhawks. Basketball season is almost here.

A Simpler Time
Amazing fact of the day, courtesy of ESPN’s Ivan Maisel: Before this week, the last time Texas was unranked was October 15, 2000. Today, more coaches of ranked teams in that poll (Mike Bellotti at Oregon, Dennis Franchione at TCU, Lou Holtz at South Carolina and Bob Davie at Notre Dame) work for ESPN than are still at the same schools (Frank Beamer at Virginia Tech, Bob Stoops at Oklahoma and Bill Snyder—who left but has now returned—at Kansas State).

The last time UT was unranked, Meet the Parents was the #1 movie in America, the economy was good and most people had ever heard of BALCO, hanging chads, Al Queda or Justin Bieber. Ah, the good ol’ days.

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The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week 12

Thanksgiving is always my favorite holiday. What's not to love? Every kitchen becomes my own personal buffet. I don't have to worry about what racial, ethnic, religious, etc. group might get pissed off about celebrating the holiday. A few hours of peace and quiet while the women all leave the house before I'm awake on Friday morning. And football. Lots and lots of football.

Football solves so many of the world's problems. It's the best thing ever for dealing with family. Crazy relative wants to tell you about all her medical maladies? "Sorry Aunt Martha, the game's on." Your father nagging you to move out of the basement and get a real job (insert gratuitous blogger joke here)? "Hey dad, can we talk about this when the game's over?" Mom wants to tell how glad she is you could make it home for the first holiday since Grandpa passed away? "You stupid %$%#!!! Why would you call a quarterback draw on 3rd and 12 with less than two minutes left, you dumb ^&*@#$%!!!!"

Yep, it's the perfect holiday. With that, a few football notes.

Time, Time, Time is on Our Side

Somewhere in Baton Rouge Sunday morning, an LSU graduate student was passed out with several empty bottles of vodka sitting on top of the tattered and tear-stained remains of what was supposed to have been his MBA thesis entitled “The Business Applications of Coach Les Miles’ Time Management Principles.”

Way to man up there, coach. Maybe now you can help wash the bus tire tracks off your quarterback.

Separated at Birth

Texas Tech QB Taylor Potts and Obi-Wan Kenobi

Use the Force, Nick.

How to Ruin the Holidays

Pity the poor football fans in San Antonio. The local ABC affiliate, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to air two hours of infomericals and a rerun of Oprah instead of Friday afternoon’s Nebraska/Colorado game. Look, I know there’s not much on the line in this game (Nebraska has already clinched the Big 12 North; Colorado is 3-8). But don’t you think there are more than a few folks in south Texas who are interested in the game? Like, say, Texas fans interested in seeing Nebraska play once before they meet the Longhorns in next week’s Big 12 championship game? And besides, IT’S COLLEGE FREAKIN’ FOOTBALL FOR CHRISSAKES!!! KSAT is reportedly the only ABC affiliate in the country that will not be airing the game. The decision is made even stranger by the fact that the station is preempting its local programming to show the early game, Illinois vs. Cincinnati.

So while you’re enjoying day 2 of your turkey and football coma on Friday while your wife or girlfriend is out shopping, be thankful for how much better you have it than those poor schmucks in San Antonio. [Ed. Note: shortly after this post was written, KSAT decided to reverse course and will show the NU/CU game on Friday. Thanksgiving is saved!]

One is a giant 300 pound freakishly unstoppable force of nature. The other is Ndamukong Suh.

A Season to Forget

Connecticut is currently sitting at 5-5, with all five losses by four points or less. So it's been a tough enough season on the field. But add in the tragic murder of UConn CB Jasper Howard and this year has been the stuff of nightmares. So it was good to see them get arguably one of the program's biggest wins ever on the road over Notre Dame. While most media outlets have been focusing on the game as the final nail in Charlie Weis’ time at Notre Dame, it was good to see UConn pull out a huge overtime win after a very challenging season.

Congrats on the win, Coach Edsall. Here's hoping you never have to go through a season like this again.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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