Footy Matt's 09-10 Premier League Predictions‏

Apologies to HHR and its two footy enthusiasts for the delayed EPL predictions. A work trip to Scotland got the best of my liver (nae, thank you Tennant’s Extra Cold!) and my interwebs connection. Now safely back in the Big Smoke. It’s time for the predictions.

Last year we pondered the order of the ‘Big Four’ (Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man U). This year we ask more seriously who can crack the Big Four? Man City’s Abu Dhabi Fantasy team? Perennial also rans Everton and Villa? Hmmm. How about No. Because that rhymes with ‘Jo’. Jo being the only player Everton picked up over the summer to strengthen their squad to break the Big Four (and the shortest name in the EPL: Jo. True). And Villa? Let’s just say selling your captain and best playmaker (Gareth Barry) to Man City won’t help matters.

So, again. It is the Big Four and just a matter of how they end up. You heard it here first, but the boys from North London, The Arsenal, are gonna pip Chelski, Bastard United, and the Whinging Scousers for the EPL title.

Last year Gunners were unlucky with injuries however still managed a 21 game unbeaten streak (the season is 38 games, mind). If they stay healthy and Ivan Drago inspired Andrey Arshavin continues his form (4 goals against Liverpool in one game last year – he vill break you). The Red and White Army will be on the open top bus through N5 come May.

But we said before, the Big Four is a bore. So, here you are you two HHR Footy fans – the rest of the 2009/20 EPL breakdown in full Footy Matt Crystal Ball Carling Induced Haze…

1. Arsenal (Wizard Wenger finally concocts the right potion of talent, youth, and obtuse Frenchness in interviews to take the title back to North London, last seen 2004)
2. Chelsea (New Boss Carlo Ancelotti has the European pedigree but fails to keep Mr. Abramovich happy and bails at a crucial point in the season dashing the title hopes)
3. Manchester United (Those absolute bastards)
4. Liverpool (An unlucky injury to Gerrard or Torres and the goals dry up. American Owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett? Enjoy pleading for mercy on Merseyside to a horde of tire iron wielding Scousers)
5. Manchester City (A shaky start will ruin there Big Four Dreams. But once they gel, the Gallagher Bros. and Abu Dhabi will be pleased and allow boss Mark Hughes to keep his job by getting his talent heavy squad into Europe)
6. Everton (Last three seasons? Finished 6th, 5th, and 5th, time to finish the palindrome)
7. Tottenham Hotspurs (Croatia international Luka Modric becomes the next Stevie Gerrard, though less prone to bar brawls)
8. Blackburn (Boss Same Allardyce plays anti-football but he has something to prove after his nightmare at Newcastle, they will lose very rarely)
9. Fulham (Did a fantastic job getting into Europe last year, but the extra games spreads them too thin this season)
10. West Ham United (Goalkeeper Robert Green keeps the Hammers in more games than celeb-supporter Russell Brand keeps his bait in tackle in the bird bath, peckish?)
11. Aston Villa (Not even the Clough-inspired genius of boss Martin O’Neill and best in the EPL GK (American Brad Friedel) can’t stop a mediocre season from foiling the Villans)
12. Wolves (Ex-Man U striker Sylvain Ebanks-Blake keeps the goals coming for promoted Wolves)
13. Wigan Athletic (Boss Roberto Martinez might just be the next Arsene Wenger if he steers Wigan to this high of a finish)
14. Sunderland (The team that dresses like the staff of TGI Friday’s gets the goals from new signing Darren Bent who has something to prove after sitting the pine a Spurs)
15. Stoke City (Bloody awful to watch, but you can’t argue with the long throw-in tactic – they stay up)
16. Hull City (The magic of midfielder Giovanni keeps the Tigers up – let’s hope he stays healthy all season)
17. Bolton Wanderers (They always manage to stay up, Kevin Davies’ goals will do it again this year, barely)
18. Birmingham City (Newly promoted City are the undoubted yo-yo team of the English game, up and down, repeat)
19. Portsmouth (Poor Pompey – no clue why they are nicknamed Pompey – they had a fire sale of talent over the summer. Not so much a good idea, unless you want to get relegated, then it is brilliant idea)
20. Burnley (Aww, it was sweet and all to watch you get promoted last year. Might compete for the lowest number of points achieved in a Premier League Season)

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Footy Matt's 09-10 Premier League Preview‏

Cheerio Chaps. After a long summer of rowing, cycling, crap British golfers with ridiculous outfits, tennis ball at the lawn club and insufferable cricket coverage - the English Premier League kicks off it's season this Saturday. Thank God. Last year we just looked at the Big Four. Boring, I says to me last year self. Here is snap shot of what is up so you can hold your own with the next Brit you meet at the bar. Get in.

THE GOOD:

That winking wanking ball ache of an admittedly damn-good player Ronaldo left Man United for Real Madrid. This leaves a significant gap for the back-to-back champions to fill. Hopefully, it remains unfilled an the rest of those horrible bastards will fall in and not win the league again. My eyes cannot handle another Man U title win, I will go blind due to over exposure to rays of bastardness. But they will likely be very very good again, the bastards.

THE BAD:

Manchester City. If we thought Chelskis was deplorable in the 'fantasy-soccer-league-turned-reality' was too much, Manchester City upped the stakes by spending over £100 million of Dubai's finest dosh to bring in the attacking power of Carlos Tevez (Man U), Adebayor (Arsenal), Roque Santa Cruz (Blackburn). Though money is no object, they have not been as successful shoring up the defense. They did sign Kolo Toure (Arsenal), but they missed out on signing England Captian John Terry.

However, no one in Madchester cares. Especially, lifelong Man City fan, Noel Gallagher, had this to say,“I don’t like John Terry and I never have. He’s got funny eyes and he’s a cry baby. He’s also a Cockney.” Definitely Maybe, Noel.

THE UGLY:

Seriously. Who designs this shite? Have a look, The Sun has it all...

Top 10 naff kits for 2009-10

Coming later today: the predictions...

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Footy Matt's Premier League Preview – Part IV: Manchester United

Today’s preview: MANCHESTER UNITED

Absolute wanking knob jockeys. The last of the Big Four are winners of last year’s Premier League crown AND the damn Champion’s League. Oh they make me f’ing sick. Especially that winking, daisy-duke wearing, horrible mini-mulleted chump Christiano Ronaldo (named after Ronald Reagan – true). The most valuable team in footy, valued at $1.8 billion. Vomit. The only time ever to support Chelski? When they play Man U. Prediction? They finally finish 2nd this season, behind Chelski while the Man U faithful constantly moan about unfair refs, poor fields, the weather, whatevers. Bunch of whiny, nasty, spoiled donkey giz bitches.

More than you need to know

Name: Manchester United Football Club

Nickname: The Red Devils

Founded: 1878

Owner: The Glazer Family (of Tampa Bay)

Manager: Sir Alex Ferguson

American-esque equivalent: The New York Yankees. Exactly. Producers of legends, winners of titles. The Darth Vader of Sports – the team you love to hate. Like no man above the age of 18 should be seen wearing a NY Yankees cap (unless they were born in the Bronx). No man above the age of 18 should ever be seen wearing a Man U replica shirt (unless you want to look like an utter, utter c*nt).

Look-a-Like winners:

Paul Scholes and Opie Taylor

Or

Carlos Tevez and a Vampire Bat

The Season kicks-off tomorrow. See ya down at the pub.

Footy Matt's Premier League Preview – Part III: (The) Arsenal

Today’s preview: ARSENAL

The mighty Arsenal ain't lifted a trophy in three years, which is like, forever, for the North Londoners, innit? Arsenal fans, the Gooners, have been spoiled rotten by some of the finest football teams over the last ten years. The highlight being 2003-2004 season, were they went all 38 games undefeated on the way to the title. The Gooners, like crack-addicts, just might freak the f- out if they don’t get a fix soon.

Does Arsenal have the squad to challenge for the title and Champions League? Hell yes. But what plagued them last season looks almost certain to derail their title hopes again – lack of depth. The off-season saw 3 excellent midfielders exit the squad; they have been replaced one new signing and youth academy product, with the combined age of 33. Not quite ready for prime-time. If the Gunners pick up a few injuries, they will be very vulnerable and beatable. However, when they are all fit – with Cesc Fabregas at the helm – they play the Cesciest damn football on the planet and can make it look easy to dismantle a team. But, their opponents know this and will likely kick the sh*t out of each game and by the end of the season they will be filling roster gaps with 9-year olds from the youth academy (who are probably better than 3/4s the Premier League anyway).

More than you need to know

Name: Arsenal Football Club

Nickname: The Gunners

Founded: 1888

Chairman: Peter Hill-Wood

Manager: Arsene Wenger

American-esque equivalent: Madonna. Hugely successful. Popular across the globe for producing sexy and entertaining products. Loyal fans from all walks of life. Have had recent success adding Africans to the squad. Another quick fact: like Ohio State, they refer to themselves as ‘The Arsenal’, not just ‘Arsenal’.

Look-a-Like winners:

Philippe Senderos & Michael Rappaport

Or

Nicklas Bendtner and Eminem

Tomorrow's Preview: MANCHESTER UNITED

Footy Matt's Premier League Preview – Part II: Chelsea

Today's preview: CHELSEA

Imagine you support a mediocre team. Average as can be. Never the worst, never the best. All in all, your team is just there, year in and year out. Then imagine your team is visited by a very special Fairy Russian Oil Tycoon Oligarch that buys your club, invests his billions and cherry picks all the best players in the world. Suddendly, you win two League titles back to back! Sound good? That is what happened to Chelsea. Also know as Chelski, the self-proclaimed 'Richest Club in the World'.

This season Chelski boast a typical plethora of talent. Drogba, Lampard, Essien, and new signing, Deco. Plenty enough to go deep in the Champions League, and in my opinion, win the Premiership. The big factor this season will be the introduction of new Coach, Luiz Felipe Scolari aka BIG PHIL. You name it, Big Phil coached a team that won it. World Cup? Check. Copa Sul-Minas? Check. Copa Liberartadores? Check. Your College Soccer Intramurals? Check.

Prediction: With Big Phil at the helm, the Chelski will hold of the rest of the Big 4 and reaffirm what we knew all along – that they are a bunch of wankers with tons of money. Expect the Premier League crown back to the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea in 2009.

More than you needed to know:

Name: Chelsea Football Club

Nickname: The Blues

Founded: 1905

Owners: Roman Abramovich

Manager: Big Phil Scolari

American-esque equivalent: Philadelphia Phillies. The Phillies have been around since the beginning, have a history and a loyal following, like Chelsea. They have only won one Championship, much like pre-billionaire Chelsea in 2003. Now, all the Phillies need is a sketchy KBG-linked Russian Oligarch to take them over and use them as his real-life fantasy team – and presto – back to back World Series wins!

Look-a-Like winners:

Joe Cole & the dude from Prison Break

OR

Petr Cech & Lego Guard

Tomorrow preview: ARSENAL

Footy Matt's Premier League Preview – Part I: Liverpool

‘ello, Chaps from London where it is a balmy 51 degrees and rain. No wonder 98% of Brits go to Ibizia to binge-drink and fight all August long. In case you were all too busy perving over the beach volleyball players or drooling over Bret Favre’s punishment lap – the English Premier League season starts this weekend. 40 games of the best footy on the planet. Yeah, it is kind of a big deal.

Over the next four days I will preview the season's “big 4” (Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, and Manchester United) and I might talk about some of the other teams as well – but what is the point, really. None of them will win anything, come see in May and tell me otherwise.

Today’s preview: LIVERPOOL

Ah, the Mighty Reds. The famous Liverpool anthem sung from the terraces is, “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. Opposition fans are fond of mocking this tune and replying, “You’ll Never Win the League”. Liverpool is the only club of the big 4 to have not won the Premier League (which began 1992-1993 season). In fact, the last time they lifted the league trophy was 1990 (way back win it was called ‘Division 1’). That is an extremely long drought for a club of Liverpool’s stature. It is only exasperated by the fact they won the league in ’73, ’76, ’77, ’79, ’80, ’82, ’83, ’84, ’86, ’88, ’90. And probably a gazillion times before then too, but I am too lazy to look it all up.

Again this year Liverpool will contest for the Premier League title – but will fail. They certainly have the talent, but always seem to find a way to be in third or fourth place at the end of the season come May. Recently, past Liverpool seasons have been plagued by off-field antics as American owners George Gillett and Tom Hicks appear not give a shiz about any fans or the 125+ years of Liverpool history and want to run the club like, say, Dallas Stars. Hicks and Gillett even approached a few coaches behind the back of Benitez during the campaign last season – infuriating the Liverpool faithful. Rightly so, WTF do Gillett and Hicks no about coaching footy?

However, the good news is that they perhaps have the deadliest attack in all of English Football this year. They boast the fantastic Fernando Torres who will now be buoyed by recent signing, and new strike partner, Robbie Keane. If the two gel, and gel quickly, Liverpool can expect to score a lot of goals. Behind the attack Stevie Gerrard and Javier Mascherano provide a solid central midfield partnership seeing Stevie G. often moving forward on the attack and Mascherano in the holding midfielder role.

The Liverpool defense will be strong, or something, ah - who cares about defense? No defender ever gets you points on the Fantasy Footy. Their Goalkeeper, Pepe Reina now has a few years under his belt in the Premier League and will produce more than a few clean sheets this season.

My prediction? 4th again. Rafa has too much of a good thing. Too many brilliant attacking players. He will continue his very under-10 soccer policy of player rotation (yay, everyone plays!) and not let any one line-up get fully comfortable.

More than you needed to know:

Name: Liverpool Football Club

Nickname: The Reds

Founded: 1882

Owners: Tom Hicks and George Gillett

Manager: Rafa Benitez

American-esque equivalent: LA Lakers (minus any Kobe-era championships). Though LA and Liverpool are verydifferent places, both teams were dynasties looking to recapture their form. The red and white of Liverpool is instantly recognizable as the Lakers’ purple and good. As a kid, every Englishman has fantasized about playing for Liverpool (unless they support Everton).

Look-a-Like winners:

Dirk Kuyt & Ken Doll (if you microwaved it for a few seconds)

Or

Fernando Torres & Hiedi from The Hills

Tomorrow’s preview: Chelsea.

Euro 08 Finals Preview from Across the Pond

In case you are American, and didn’t know, there is a big grand football finale that comes every four years here in Europe this weekend. Yep, the final match of EURO 2008 takes place this Sunday in Switzerland , or is it Austria ? Oh well – who cares – same place practically.

This year’s final features a typically efficient German side (who always seems to play just good enough to win) and feisty picante-scented Spanish side that has put together some of the best attacking football of the tournament. It should be a classic match. Or, a crap one. Never can tell these things. I envisage the tall Germans cutting and crossing to head the ball on goal while the Spaniards play quick one-twos on the edge of the box to best ageing German goalkeeper Jens Lehman. Too bad for those of you who have to watch it the States and listen to that insufferable onion-headed donkey wanker, Tommy Smyth. I’ll be at the pub, hearing British men shout the all-not-to-often-heard phrase of: “Come on the Germans!” They will do this as they will have money on the game.

Predictions? Well, I’d like to see the Spanish (who doesn’t love Cesc Fabregas?) beat the Germans as they always seem to be in the finals of such things. But who knows? I can tell you something I do know: who won’t score. How do I know who will and will not score? It is because my Daily Telegraph Euro 08 Fantasy Team is a practical voo-doo doll of interweb sports. It was like clockwork all tournament. If I picked the player – they never scored like a goal drought curse had just be cast. If I dropped the player – they’d score in the next game in the first 20 minutes. Without fail, I could do absolutely nothing right. The ultimate confirmation of my unlucky touch? Halfway through the tourney I selected a Dutch defender named Khalid Boulahrouz – he was a clever defender and was a good value - that very day – his daughter died.

No shit.

Perhaps less important, but still rather sad, is that I sit bottom of my work fantasy league enduring stereotypical rants about ‘Yanks not knowing sweet f- all about the footy.’

So, do yourself a favor and grab a 6-pack of Pauliner and a few little plates of them tasty tapas and enjoy watching David Villa, Cesc Fabregas, Fernando Torres, Lukas Poldolski, Michael Ballack, and Bastian Schweinsteiger all not score.

-written by Footy Matt