Scavenger Hunt: OKC Redhawks

HHR's Cynic is going to the OKC Redhawks game tonight. Kris Benson is pitching. That means a one-item scavenger hunt: Anna Benson.

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The Cynic's Scavenger Hunt: Beyond Thunderdome

Is it better to reign in hell than serve in heaven? It's a dilemma first posed by 17th century British poet John Milton's epic poem Paradise Lost. (I'm guessing this is the first time the phrase "17th century British poet" has ever been used in a sports blog.) If Milton were alive and writing today, I'm pretty sure the debate would be more like "Is it better to watch the Super Bowl on a grainy black-and-white television? Or to have courtside seats to the worst NBA game of the year?"

I'm serious. This is my job!

Long story short, yesterday was a friend of mine's birthday. A company he does business with had hooked him up for last night's Memphis Grizzlies/Oklahoma City Thunder game, and he invited me. So he and I, along with our wives, were headed to downtown OKC with parking passes, club level wristbands and sixth row, center court seats (face value: $276 apiece). Not quite the Jack Nicholson seats, but not far from it.

The Thunder were actually up 21 in the second quarter. But the Grizzlies clawed their way back, keeping the game close throughout the third, finally taking the lead with four minutes left in the game and handing the Thunder their 21st loss of the season. But let's be honest--it was the Grizzlies and the Thunder. So the less said about the game itself, the better. Let's get on to my assignment--the Thunder scavenger hunt!

1. Seattle Supersonics jersey

I didn't see Seattle anything. Even coffee. And, considering that Sonic Drive-In's corporate headquarters is just a stone's throw from the Ford Center, I saw surprisingly little Sonic advertising.

Sonic is Oklahoma's Starbucks.

2. Florida Gators gear (this is in Sooners country after all)

Didn't see any, but it was about 35 degrees outside. So it was probably too chilly for anyone with legitimate Florida ties to venture out.

3. Kevin Durant U. of Texas throwback

Did see several Longhorns shirts, hats, etc. But the only Durant shirts I saw were on kids wearing those Thunder t-shirts printed up like jerseys with the name and number on the back.

4. A Thunder win

That would be like the Holy Grail of scavenger hunts. Something that is rumored to exist but so rarely seen that no one can really confirm the tales. I did however capture a shot of the last time the Thunder had the lead in the game. And quite possibly this season.

5. A mullet

Ah, now we're getting somewhere. What's funny is that, contrary to what you would expect, I couldn't find any when I roamed up to the cheap seats and was getting worried I would strike out until I saw this bad boy in the elevator on my journey to the suite level.

6. Straw Hat and Overalls

Have you noticed that much of the HHR staff is a little East Coast biased? They're the kind of guys who can use the words "Rutgers" and "college football tradition" in the same sentence without chuckling. Anyway, no overalls, and everyone knows that, like white shoes, straw hats are a faux pas after Labor Day.

7. An Inappropriate Rudy Gay Sign

No Rudy Gay signs, although there was a table set up where you could make your own sign. I decided it would be cheating to make up a sign of my own. Although it was pointed out to me that Rudy may not be supporting his team by choosing to play on National Call in Gay Day.

8. Anything Darko Milicic related

Do I get bonus points for photos of Darko picking his nose? Seriously, I grabbed this first shot immediately post-pick during pre-game warmups.

I thought I was just seeing things. After all, even with sixth-row seats, he was still all the way on the other side of the court. Maybe he was just scratching. But then he did it again, right before tip-off. Here he is right after the deed, playing it off like he was just brushing his nose. But I saw what I saw.

9. Facepainters

We'll get to this in a minute, but in the meantime I did see lots of kids with blue hair.

10. O.J. Mayo's Posse (Bonus if it's a photo of a hot chick because you misread "posse")

If by posse you mean "Native American drum circle that patrols the upper deck and beats their drums to crowd chants" ("De-Fense," boom, boom, "De-Fense," boom, boom, etc.), then check.

As for the hot chick posse, while I can't guarantee they were seeking OJ, as I was leaving I did notice a pair of very attractive girls who were dressed more like they were heading to a night club at Mandalay Bay or Caesar's Palace than to a basketball game. And they were going against traffic, very focused, like they were on a mission. And that mission was something (or someone) inside the building. I couldn't get the camera out of my pocket in time for that photo, so a shot of the local talent will have to suffice.

11. A photo of Scotty Brooks just losing his mind on the sideline after the Thunder go down 25.

I really expected more from the coach, especially after his team blew a 21 point lead. But I honestly don't know that Brooks said 20 words the whole night. I did notice that his mannerisms reflect how the team is doing. During the first 18 minutes or so of the game, when the Thunder built up a big lead, I swear his hands never left his pockets. From then on and through the third when the Grizzlies made their comeback to make the game close, he had his arms crossed the whole time. As the game wound into the fourth quarter, he spent most of the time either sitting down or holding his dry erase "draw up a play for Kevin Durant" board.

The coach late in the game.

12. A woman wearing a skin tight thunder shirt with a fupa.

Now, we come to the mother lode. I found one of the greatest treasure troves of sports fan scavenger hunting you could ever ask for. In addition to the facepaint, Thunder shirt and fupa, you could have added (a) shiny blue top hat, (b) metallic blue wig, (c) pom poms, (d) yellow Thunder cape and (e) foam #1 finger to the list, and I still would have been able to say check, check, check, check, check, check, check and check.

I apologize that these pictures really can't do the epicness of this sight justice. (Santa, if you're reading this, I've been a very good boy and could really use a new telephoto lens.) Our heroes even made the jumbotron in the "Ultimate Fan Search."

Scavenger Hunt Greatness

13. The Thunder Mascot

While there may not be an "official" Thunder mascot in Oklahoma City (or at Golden State), that will not stop your intrepid scavenger hunter. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you . . . this guy.

This guy was never mentioned over the PA system, so there was no official acknowledgment of his antics. However, I'm assuming that he's either a Thunder employee or a crazy guy who spends too much on t-shirts and Red Bull. Basically this guy just goes to different sections during breaks, does a crazy dance and then proceeds to peel off layer after layer of Thunder shirts and throw them to the crowd. I'm not sure if there are strip clubs in hell. But if so, I'm pretty sure it's kind of like this.

Since the Thunder don't acknowledge him by name, we'll just call him Dancing Homer.

Somewhere, when the Thunder first set up shop in OKC, there was a meeting in which Clay Bennett said, "You know, every team has cheerleaders or pneumatic cannons to throw shirts to the crowd. We need something different." Then someone at the end of the table goes, "I know, lets hire a pudgy, sweaty dude to dance and throw pre-worn shirts to the crowd." And no one bothered to say no.

14. Fourth-quarter photo of a row that is entirely full.

This one was tricky, but not for the reason you might think. After all, it was the Grizzlies vs. the Thunder, so there were plenty of good seats available and people could kind of spread out, meaning that very few rows were completely full, even at the beginning of the game. That said, the crowd that came stayed 'til the end. To the OKC fans' credit, I saw very few who skipped out early. As you can see from some of the crowd shots above (most of which were taken in the second half), the crowd stuck with the team. We'll see if that lasts once the novelty of just having a team wears off.

Forgot to shoot a picture of a full row, so this photo of PGA champion Bob Tway will have to suffice.

Finally, although this wasn't on the scavenger hunt list I did want to mention the most ironically appropriate part of the evening. The Oklahoma Lottery actually has a table set up on the main concourse, selling scratch-off tickets.

This is some brilliant marketing because, let's face it, "lottery" is a word with which OKC Thunder fans are going to become very, very familar in the coming years.

And in case you were curious, yes, I did catch a shirt from Dancing Homer.

I Marked Out.

Mark Out: "To temporarily forget that wrestling is fake because something cool happened."

I haven't followed wrestling in about 8-10 years. Last night might have changed all that.

To say the opportunity to go backstage at a WWE Raw show was one that brought me back to my youth, is an understatement. The Fed reeled me in big time.

A friend of mine, JD, is a South Jersey lawyer who represents one of the WWE's on-air talents. (Don't worry, nothing criminal). JD scored four 6th row seats just above floor level and backstage passes for himself, me, Dr. Oppo and Twa.

We were told to arrive around five and to meet him at the Wachovia Center's loading docks. For 3 hours, we "broke bread" with WWE wrestlers, agents, alumni, referees, divas and crew alike - not to mention, World Champion Jimmy Rollins, whom I personally thanked on behalf of all Phillie fans and saw drive away later that night in a brand new Bentley with Florida plates.

Below is a quick chronology of the highlights of my pre-show night as documented through my giddy e-communications with the HHR staff, including some of my notes and their responses.

It was the best I could do. Shortly after actually entering the backstage area, our hook-up leaned in and asked told us to keep our cameras and camera phones away. Not wanting to immediately ruin the connection (or get a steel chair across my skull), we begrudgingly obliged.

5:39pm mysterio, hacksaw and jim ross. smoking

After parking and seeing tailgaters - Yes, tailgaters. With a tent and grill at 5:30on a freezing December night for a Philadelphia wrestling show - we made our way down the loading ramp to the service entrance, where we met our hookup, his buddy, and what I thought from a distance was his buddy's 10-year old son. Turns out that wasnt his son, but Rey Mysterio, sans mask. We were introduced, bullshitted briefly, and walked inside saying "Holy shit, he's even smaller than we thought." Very welcoming and down to earth.

When we got inside, Jim Ross was off to the right puffing away and Hacksaw Jim Duggan in his garb (drab blue shorts, shirt, knee pads and boots) walks past us with two American flags in tow.

5:52pm Golddust

We are lead down a hall that is taken over by the costume and props crew. I chuckled at a sign that read "HBK Chaps Pants." And we are told to grab something to eat. As I grab my plate, I am in line right beside Dustin Rhodes sans facepaint.

The buffet was astounding. I had about 3 plates of terryaki ribs, sloppy joes, salad and cheesecake. We are told the caterers actually travel with the crew.

Rhodes later appeared for more grub in full Golddust regalia. I don't actually recall seeing him perform later that night, so I guess he just dresses up for fun.

6:04pm Steamboat schooling Santini.

We are introduced to Santino - who turned out to be our favorite in-ring performer of the night with his Eye-talian accented shtick and "scrotuitous" injury. Nice Italian boy from Toronto we learn.

As he is eating a shorter, stockier, grayer, bespectacled Asian man walked over and started chatting him up. Ricky the Dragon, you've actually aged well.

6:18pm 5 ft from John Cena watching film and he claims he can't see me.

Not to rumor monger, but I get a note back from a gay friend: "He may or may not play for my team, sources tell me =)." Cynic: "Hit him with a steel Chair. I dare you."

Cena propped himself in front of a flat screen with all sorts of high def video equiptment and starts reviewing his matches. We are told he is more into "watching film" than most athletes in any sport.

6:27pm I am done. pack it up. edge, teddy long & arn fckn anderson.

Double A looks as old as he did in the 80's. Hasn't changed 1 bit.


Edge seemed to hold court with a lot of the younger guys.

I send this note in a follow up to staff: "Told teddy long I was a "big fan" from his nwa days. That I loved Doom. He gave me a shake/shoulder bump, said that was long ago and ron simmons was here, thanked me and wished me a happy holidays. Slaughter is eating with hacksaw. Both are in garb. Are they fighting?"

I resisted calling Theodore R. "Peanuthead."

Dunbar: "I get the feeling that rens smiling muscles are going to be sore tomorrow."

Willard: "this is what they call in the wrestling biz 'marking out'"


6:44pm I am 3 feet taller than Dean Malenko and know more holds.

"You'd change your story if he got you in the Texas Cloverleaf."


I asked if Malenko was a trainer. He's an "agent." Whatever that means.

7:09pm just got a "thumbs up" from Tommy Dreamer.

Not only gave me a thumbs up, but winked too. This made my sister extremely jealous.

7:34pm Am in the company of world champion jimmy rollins.

While, with the exception of Teddy Long, I resisted approaching talent unless introduced, I couldn't resist walking over to J-Roll as he scooped out some salad and whisper in his ear how happy he made me.

One additional note:

Twa saw Hornswaggle ironing his pants while looking for a place to drop anchor. Didn't know he was a wrestler and came back telling us that the WWE hired midget costume people.


He was also amazed by the size of Khali's hands and I am certain the gargantuan overheard him not-so-quietly reveling over it. Twa, not a fan per se of sports entertainment, only knew Khali from his appearance in the Longest Yard remake.

He has a thing for pituitary problems, apparently.

---
Here's a map, as best I can remember of some of the WWEers we saw in relation to where we ate. Directly above us was a table of newer guys I didn't recognize.

Alright. On to the scavenger hunt.

I'll tell you flat out, I failed miserably. Had I been among the common folk more, I'm sure my story would be different, but we essentially went from backstage to our sweet-ass seats.

Austin 3:16 or 'Smell What the Rock is Cooking' t-shirts

Sadly, I think this time has passed. Now, I am old. Everyone seemed to rock the Cenawear.

Luchadore Masks
A legitimately hot chick with all her teeth

The masks were everywhere. Mostly were of the Mysterio variety.

When hunting the black Hulk Hogan, I accosted this fella who claims to work for local radio station Q102, along with his buxom companion. Apparently they were on a scavenger hunt of their own and fell short of making it backstage. The guy cleans mics for all we know.

I'll count the lady-friend as a "legitimately hot chick with all her teeth" if for nothing more than her "Lady Andreas." (Give me a break. It's the WWE...in PHILLY.)

Homemade Championship belts

I am giving myself a push on this one. Today's kids have no creativity. It's bad enough their parents shell out the big bucks for the tickets, but most had souvenir belts around their wastes that sell for $250 at the gift stands.

Of course, grown-ass men also waste their hard-earned money on such novelties as well as throwback jerseys...

I give myself the push because in a John Cena bio video on the Titan Tron, he was holding one.

"I'd Rather Be In Chyna" sign (bonus if held by Triple H)

Again, its time has passed. I think I saw a few "I'd Rather Be In Cena" signs held by men, women and children alike.

A grown-ass woman.

A mullet (bonus points for torn sleeves to go with it) - not on a wrestler

Plenty of these. I opted to snap one on a legitimately unhot toothless chick.

Picture of wrestler pointing directly at me

Cena winding up to give me a two-armed, over-the-head, Razor Ramon point?

Picture of me putting a random kid in a headlock

This should have been the easiest. But it was my timidness that prevented it. Mainly I was scared they'd: 1. kick my ass; or 2. have their mulletted, drunk, Cena-loving parents do so.

"That black guy that dressed up as Hulk Hogan at every ppv event, provided he is not dead"

This guy was glad handing everyone in sight. We believe he's deaf. Real showman though, and very friendly.

An NWO poster

Does a t-shirt count?


If not, I'll do you one better, the Blue World Order was repped:

Dynamic Dave

Word is he doesn't leave the Jersey Shore much nowadays.

Stone/acid washed jeans

Was on the lookout. Had to settle for light-colored pegged cargos.

Jorts

Mother nature finally got the best of Philly's Phinest. Even the cheese-steak fattened legs of the City of Brotherly Love are no match for her elements.

Philly's own "ECW Hat Guy"

Sadly and suprisingly, MIA.

Dudleys

Not one tie dyed shirt in the entire Wach. Disappointing.

Local Athletes

I patted J-Roll on the back.

Spanish Announcers' Table Being Destroyed

No longer exists. I guess it can only be destroyed so many times.

---

Finally, I don't know if this was broadcast on USA last night, but I'd like to congratulate Chris Jericho on being named "Jerk of the Year."

WWE Slammy Award Scavenger Hunt

Tonight I will be heading to the Wachovia Center to relive a bit of my youth after being offered tickets (and possibly a backstage pass) for tonight's WWE Raw in Philly, which will feature the Fed's first Slammy Awards in over a decade.

Slammy Awards 1987 Vince McMahon sings !
by marshal99

I really haven't followed sports entertainment since the demise of ECW. So, to keep me on my toes, the HHR staff has compiled a to-do list of things to be on the lookout for and photographically document. Feel free to add your own in comments.

• Austin 3:16 or 'Smell What the Rock is Cooking' t-shirts
• Luchadore Masks
• Homemade Championship belts
• "I'd Rather Be In Chyna" sign (bonus if held by Triple H)
• A legitimately hot chick with all her teeth
• A mullet (bonus points for torn sleeves to go with it) - not on a wrestler
• Picture of wrestler pointing directly at me
• Picture of me putting a random kid in a headlock
• "That black guy that dressed up as Hulk Hogan at every ppv event, provided he is not dead"
• An NWO poster
• Dynamic Dave
• Stone/acid washed jeans
• Jorts
• Philly's own "ECW Hat Guy"
• Dudleys
• Local Athletes
• Spanish Announcers' Table Being Destroyed
  

Scavenger Hunt Results

When I looked at my final list of assignments for last night's event, should I really have been surprised at their perverted, juvenile, and intoxicated focus? No. Because that's who you sickos are. I was actually relieved to see "photo of someone hanging brain" nowhere on there. So here's what I got for you. I'll be honest with you - I stayed way way way more sober than last time. Because it is infinitely more cold and wet outside, making Boston Common a lousy place for hungover nap-time.

I will preface this with the admission that I did not succeed on most fronts. Partially due to the fact that I didn't try and replace my bloodstream with scotch, but also because I relied on the people there being a bit rambunctious with all the free booze and stingy appetizers. That was a poor assumption on my part. I don't want to say the folks there were bland - I met some real interesting people actually (question: are Jets fans people?), but as a whole I'd put the energy in the room somewhere between watching paint dry and watching hockey (which are basically the same thing).

So with that in mind, here's what I've got for you.

Picture of the hottest woman there: COMPLETE
Photo of the bartender pouring a shot of Hennessy, neat. COMPLETE

of course the hottest woman there is the bartender.

Inappropriate Business Attire: COMPLETE

Mustached person celebrating Movember: COMPLETE
Charge a drink to Yardbarker: COMPLETE

I didn't just charge a drink, I charged dinner.
That's how committed I am to representing your wishes.

Bunch of people flipping the bird: COMPLETE

I'm not sure why everyone's hand is orange.
I think it's an advertising thing.

Visibly Drunk Person: COMPLETE

This dude was actually there, and almost fell over twice.

I think he was crying softly

Hipster: COMPLETE

OK, so this wasn't exactly a person who was there. But I'm thinking this person should at least count as the photo of someone getting tackled, because let's be honest - with a hipster it's only a matter of time.

I would like to once again thank the good folks at YardBarker, who never fail to make me laugh or purchase me alcohol. And that's just their sales people. Can you imagine what kind of trouble and destruction their website folks must be capable of? I can. And I know it would at the very least involve sedated farm animals, a 1988 yellow pages, the insides of several dozen glowsticks, and an angry, vengeful clown with little to lose.

Be an HHR Puppeteer

Tonight, the chief will be representing HHR (along with some of our friends from Yardbarker) at an online advertising network event (couple hundred people roughly) with open bar and after party in Boston. He worries his night may be boring. To prevent that, we've decided to make him our little puppet. After all, if he just does random shit all night, he'll be a crazy person. But if he does random shit because he is told to by our readers and staff, well then he's just loyal to our community.

So here's the deal...

chief will be handing out very creative and uniquely "huggable" business cards. While he's at it, we want to put him on a little scavenger hunt and have him photographically document it.

Here's what the HHR staff came up with. We need your help with some creative tasks.

Photo evidence of the chief:

1. With the hottest woman there.
2. Charging a drink to YB's tab.
3. White socks with dress shoes (that is not the chief himself).
4. Visibly drunk person (that is not the chief himself).
5. Someone named Harold.
6. Someone in inappropriate "business" attire (that is not the chief himself).
7. A creepily mustachioed person celebrating Movember (that is not the chief himself).
8. The man with the "gayest" drink.
9. Anyone wearing a jersey.

Suggestions Tasks in comments.