A**holeology Contest Winner

Congratulations to Bob Jakub on being chosen winner of the A**holeology photoshop contest. Bob will receive a personalized, autographed copy of HHR co-founder @chrisilluminati's new book A**holeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way - and Getting Away with it.

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A**holeology: Can You Top This?

Yesterday we posted a contest to win a personalized, autographed copy of HHR co-founder @chrisilluminati's new book A**holeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way - and Getting Away with it by Photoshopping it into a sports image.

The submissions have been too hysterical so far not to share. As more we like come in, we'll post and later put up for a vote. In the meantime, see if you can top these and email them to us:

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Contest: The ART of Being an A**hole

Since starting HHR with me in 2007, Chris "Fat Willard" Illuminati has gone onto bigger and better other things. We couldn't be prouder of the fact that he's taken the art of being an A-Hole and made it into a nice little living for himself.

Now, we want to share that with you.

Photoshop Chris' new book A**holeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way - and Getting Away with it into a sports image and win a personalized, autographed copy of it.

Email us your best effort and we'll post some of our favorites on the site and choose a winner at the end of the week.

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Contest: The Tiger Name Game

Everyone knows that Tiger implored his mistresses to "Take [their] Name off [their] Phone."

On the Today show this morning, mistress #4, Jamie Jungers, noted that Tiger also asked that she take HIS name off their phone:

"He said he loved spending time with me, would love to get to know me more, and he gave me his phone number and told me to save it in a different name in case I lost the phone."

HHR has come up with 11 names (one for each mistress) that would have thrown phone-finders off his trail. If you can top them, we'll ship you off a PS3 or XBox360 copy of Namco's Tekken 6, which features an Elin Woods lookalike who packs a wallop.

See if you can top these aliases. Winner will be chosen on Monday. The only rule is to make us laugh.

1. Eldrick Tont
2. John Gosselin
3. Sean Salisbury
4. Eliot Spitzer
5. John Daly
   
6. Jesse Katsololis
7. The Situation
8. Nick Papageorgio
9. Chris Illuminati
10. Roy McAvoy
11. Fred Garvin

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Chris Illuminati, you are a Thunder fan now!

After compelling arguments for the Celts, Nets, Bulls, Suns and others, congratulations to Brian K. for convincing Illuminati to root for the Seattle SuperSonics Oklahoma City Thunder in our latest contest.

Brian will receive a Full Year Subscription of NBA LEAGUE PASS Broadband.

Chris noted that the deciding factor came down to the fact that the team is a novelty and he can start somewhat fresh, "I'd rather root for a team that's new. I can't be a Celtics/Bulls fan. I'll have to check the unis first." He was also quite fond of one line: "So welcome to the Thunder family. Have a seat anywhere."

Here's Brian's submission:

There are a number of reasons you should pledge you allegiance to the Oklahoma City Thunder. First, it seems that much of your previous fandom was player based. That is fortunate because the Thunder have one of the most exciting young players in the league in Kevin Durant. Beyond that, they have recent third overall pick James Harden and the excellent and anonymous Jeff Green. They also have Nenad Krstic and it is always fun to have a lanky Eastern European on you team.

Second, the team needs more blogging fans. There is, from what I can tell, one independent Thunder blog, Bend It Like Bennett. After that, there is an SB Nation blog and some incomplete and barren urls The team needs more fan representation in new media formats.

Third, you aren't adopting a team, you are adopting an odd municipal rivalry. Did you know that the Oklahoma City Thunder once played in Seattle? It's true. They weren't even called the Thunder, even though it rains there like God wants someone to build an ark, but everyone is too high to listen. Seattle hates that they lost the team that played games they didn't attend. Seattle residents hate Oklahoma City for "stealing" their team. Screw them. Attending a Thunder game is no less legitimate than ignoring a Sonics game.

So welcome to the Thunder family. Have a seat anywhere.

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Nationally and locally televised games are subject to blackout and are therefore not available via NBA LEAGUE PASS BROADBAND (regardless of whether team is home or away).

This contest is for US participants only. By entering the sweepstakes you agree to release Sponsor, the NBA Entities, HuggingHaroldReynolds.com and their respective affiliates and agencies from any and all liabilities for injuries, damages or losses of any kind to in connection with the sweepstakes, prize or any prize-related activity.

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Chris Illuminati fancies himself some type of authority on things. He is actually an asshole. So much so he wrote a book.

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Fan for Sale: Convince @ChrisIlluminati to Root for Your NBA Team, Win NBA League Pass Broadband

First it was the Celtics. Until I realized as a Yankees fan that the same people that rooted for Bird were also part of the "Nation" and I'd be kicked out of my house if my father found out I liked anything Boston that didn't end in "baked beans." Next came the Magic-led Lakers until he kissed Isiah Thomas and my friends said I liked a team full of "marys." Of course, the thought of associated with anything gay (besides my velcro sneakers) will turn off a kid in 6th grade so I jumped around from team to team for the next fifeteen plus years.

Shaq and Scott Skiles because of the arcade game NBA Jam.

The Timberwolves during the early days of KG, D. West (I still don't know his first name), pre-homicidal Starbury and NBA Live 98'.

Back to the Lakers with Shaq and Mamba.

Bounced around to the Mavs, Kings, and the Nets for a brief moment, but only because I'm from Jersey.

The point is I've never had a real vesting interest in an NBA Franchise. I've never really had an interest in basketball - which is ABSURD for a 5'6 white kid with the vertical jump of a titmouse.

I need an NBA team. This has to change for several reasons.

1. I'm married with pregger wife and need SOME type of sports excuse to click away from the Real Housewives of Atlanta. The baseball playoffs saved my ass from a fall of Project Runway.
2. Almost everyone I follow on Twitter watches and tweets and all I can do is laugh and make out of date Charles Barkley jokes. Oh Bork.
3. The Sports Guy has a 700 page anvil of a book about the NBA on the best-seller list. I don't want to read it but if a book can beat out anything the Harpo Army is peddling there must be a ton of fans that find this basketball shit interesting.

So what does this mean to the HHR reader? It's simple. Make me like your team. Woo me. Dazzle me. Show me your goods (put your zipper back up this is a family website).

What do you get out of all this? How about a Full Year Subscription of NBA LEAGUE PASS Broadband.

Shoot an email to huggingharoldreynolds(at)gmail(dot)com with the subject: "Chris, you are a ______ fan now" and convince me to wear your team colors, or shoot something in the comments section.

Deadline: Wednesday, November 11, 5PM.

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Nationally and locally televised games are subject to blackout and are therefore not available via NBA LEAGUE PASS BROADBAND (regardless of whether team is home or away).

This contest is for US participants only. By entering the sweepstakes you agree to release Sponsor, the NBA Entities, HuggingHaroldReynolds.com and their respective affiliates and agencies from any and all liabilities for injuries, damages or losses of any kind to in connection with the sweepstakes, prize or any prize-related activity.

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Chris Illuminati fancies himself some type of authority on things. He is actually an asshole. So much so he wrote a book.

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Hate work? Pretend you're back in college

One more level, then I go potty.

How many times have you internally screamed this statement during the work day: I'd give anything to go back to college!

It was the greatest time of your life. Back when two classes a day was considered "a ton of work to do"and you actually got laid on a consistent basis. Memorrriieesss...like the corner of my mind. What about those video game marathons? You and friends playing Madden until the early morning, fueled on nothing more than Natty Light backwash and eventual bragging rights?

Want to go back to school just for the good parts? Video games and tailgating football? Here is your shot.

Check out the 4th & Goal Sweepstakes and the Ur So Connected College Game Day Tour for a chance to win an all-expenses paid trip for two to the BCS championship game in January and $500 spending change. Additional prizes include: XBox systems, Zune music players, and XBox games. Check out the main page for all the details.

As an added bonus, and because we rule, HHR is giving away some video games to make you feel a little better about your boring life. Entry to win is simple. Email us here and tell us your greatest sports video game triumph. Win a boatload of money off a roomate? Make a frat brother eat poop? Win poop? We want to hear the best stories.

Send us your best video game story and you might just win yourself a prize. Deadline to email is October 31st.

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What was your worst gaming experience?

I had a bad gaming experience in high school.

I was playing a game, can't quite remember which, but I know it was tough and I didn't move my ass for an entire weekend. Not being a bright bulb I mistakenly hooked up the system to the bottom wall outlet. The same outlet connected to the light switch. My dad came in late night to do a 'what the french bread are you still doing up' check and flipped the switch.

I hadn't saved in a few hours. Gone. I think I shit a screen door. Never seriously gamed again. I do get the appeal though. Especially when you can play against other people online you've never met. Well, you need the right equipment for that, am I right?

To celebrate the new Mountain Dew World of Warcraft Game Fuel flavors (both are rather delicious), the Dew is giving away a butt load of prizes like laptops, keyboards, gaming gear and the kitchen sink every 15 minutes. Click that link, you wont be sorry.

What is HHR giving away? How about the Razer Carcharias Gaming Headset ? Big turds, I know!

It's a circumaural gaming audio headset designed for extended hours of gameplay with superior gaming audio, clarity and bass. The Razer Carcharias is a complete and comfortable gaming communications package that gamers can wear for hours on end. Naked or clothed. I'll even throw in a gaming notebook to keep track of your progress and to mark the number of chicks you schtupped in the past month. Do you write that out as ZERO or 0?

Here is the deal on how to win.

1.) Click here to subscribe to HHR. Painless.

2.) Come back to the comment section and tell us about your worst video game experience. It can be about anything. Shock us. Make us laugh. Make us cry. Tickle our nips with your thumb and first finger. Hehehe. Stop! In the “email (will not be published)” field, enter the same e-mail address of your subscription, so we know who the hell you are and that you aren't cheating.

3.) We'll pick the best story, publish it in it's own blog (big time bitches!) and you win the headset.

Deadline for comments is Sunday, July 26th at 11:59 p.m.

Get cracking.

Chris Illuminati is a part time HHR contributor and a full time idiot. Click here to check out his blog.

Register for BwB & Win Chance to Meet Scottie Pippen, Watch Midgets Fight Mascots

Our friends at Gunaxin will be hosting a Pre-Party for a screening of the film "Midgets vs. Mascots" to be held at the Tribeca Film Festival, which will feature Michael Jordan mascot Scottie Pippen and free beer and tequilla. The event will be held on April 26th at the Village Pourhouse in New York City.

For all you New York-area readers who haven't yet registered for BlogsWithBalls (what's wrong with you?), we have a special deal. Register for the conference by tomorrow, and your name will be entered in a drawing to win 2 tickets to the Gunaxin party and screening.

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Have You Gotten Your BlogsWithBalls Tickets Yet?

Beware the Ides of March

It's that time of year, history-loving sports fans.

Be warned, there may be backstabbers and saboteurs walking amongst your favorite teams and athletes.


If you can be the first to name the 8 bastards posing as Roman Senators and give us a brief reason why they are portrayed here as such, we'll give you an HHR March Madness tee.

Email your guesses. Title the subject "Ides."

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Win Stuff: What's RIGHT with this picture?

There was such a great response to our earlier call to identify things that were normal in a given picture, we decided to do it again. In the comments, identify five things that are completely normal about this situation (other than if you are at a Royals/Indians spring training game you deserve such a fate).

(Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

This time the schwag comes courtesy of Mountain Dew Voltage, which remains consistent with our theme of giving away stuff that will keep so you amped that you need to click the refresh button 10, 15, even 50 times just to channel all those jitters. Go ahead, try it right here. We'll wait.

Prize Pack includes

• Voltage T shirts
• A Case of Mountain Dew Voltage**

**AED Defibrillator sold separately

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Anybody But Duke, Baby.

We fully intend on winning Yardbarker's 1800clothes.com March Madness TShirt Contest with this stellar submission:

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Super Bowl Prize Pack Contest Winners: Love, Wood & War

Second Runner-Up (Love) and Winner of HHR Big Game T-Shirt, Dugefresh (Love):

"Dear HHR Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me, but . . .

It was just a mere 3 years ago. Following an improbable run as the sixth seed the steelers made the super bowl, on top of this I found out my wife was pregnant, the cherry on top would be a win by the steelers.

Well, it happened, but during the whole game I sat rocking back and forth watching the game, I could not enjoy it until the final ticks. Everytime I watch the replays my body goes back into that mode. I expect the same come super bowl sunday this year as well."

First Runner-Up and Winner of HHR Big Game T-Shirt, Iceman Eddie (Wood):

"dear HHR Heres a super bowl story...last year the giants beats the bucs cowboys packers and pats...i still have a boner...its like a diamond in an ice storm."


Winner of HHR's Penthouse Forum /Pepsi Super Bowl Prize Pack, MoonDog (War):

(You can't top a guy being shot at in Iraq who choses to write a novel about it.)


"The year was 1990 and I was scheduled to be discharged from the USN on January 29. As was customary, most of us had acquired at least 60 days leave and we would sell 30 days back to the Navy and use the other 30 days prior to the discharge date. This process was known as taking terminal leave.

In August of 1989 Iraq invaded Kuwait, and by early January of 1990 former President George Bush gave the Iraqi's a January 15 deadline to either withdraw from Kuwait or suffer the consequences.

Even though I was scheduled to be discharged on the 29th, the Navy asked me (and I'm sure everyone else scheduled to be discharged around that time) if I would remain in the service until the conflict was concluded.

In late December my ship was deployed to the Persian Gulf. I was aboard the USS Sampson (DDG-10) and it was my second deployment to the Middle East. I was aboard the Sampson during it's first deployment to the Persian Gulf between October 1986 and April 1987, and it was at that time the Iran-Iraq war was at its height.

Suffice it to say, I was acclimated to being at sea in a hazardous environment. The only skirmishes we encountered were with Iraqi patrol boats that would test us, getting within seven miles or so of the ship. Generally all it took to ward them off was to point one of the 5-inch guns at them and away they went.

There were other times when some fanatic would climb atop an oil derrick with a hand-held missile and think if the ship got within range, he might actually cause some damage. Of course, our long-range radar would pick up the single and we could "accidentally" fire a volley at the base of the oil derrick and as you might imagine, end any threat.

Super Bowl XXIV was scheduled for January 28 - one day prior to my discharge date. I was really looking forward to being home to watch the game. I hadn't been able to watch any Super Bowls live for six years during my time in the service. Usually, if we were lucky, we could see the game a day or two later when the tape was sent out to all of the ships at sea and to bases around the globe.

That year the 49ers and Broncos made it to the big game. I wasn't a fan of either team but hey, this was the Super Bowl. There I was on January 28 aboard a ship sailing in the waters of the Persian Gulf thanks to idiot boy Saddam Hussein. On the day of the game, it was announced that we would be able to watch it live, but considering there was a nine or ten hour time difference, we wouldn't be able to watch it until 0400 the following morning. That was fine by me. Getting a chance to watch the game regardless of the time it aired was of no concern.

So as it turned out, since we were 10 hours ahead of U.S. time, I was going to watch the game on the day I was supposed to be discharged. Now there's one minor detail I haven't made note of that proved to be detrimental to our ability to watch the game.

During the Iran-Iraq war both nations had laid old WWII type mines in the waters in the Persian Gulf. They looked like over-sized cannon balls - imagine painting a rubber glove black, blowing it up and multiply that vision by 200 and that's basically what they looked like. They floated near the surface and were anchored with a long chain, essentially just floating around the waters. In other words, they weren't stationary.

After the Iran-Iraq war came to an end, some of those mines remained in the waters of the Persian Gulf. Even though there weren't many, you had to stay vigilant because if one of those things hit the ship, it would ruin your day.

Considering the low profile, radar and sonar really couldn't pick them up too well. Since they were painted black, it was hard to spot them in the dark waters, obviously at night being the most difficult time to spot them.

What we would do is place some poor bastard in the bulls nose (the forward most point of the ship on the main deck) and arm him with an M-14, a 20-round clip, a flack jacket and a sound-powered phone. That was your defense against the mines. If one was spotted, we would literally slow down, turn the ship either port or starboard depending on the mine's location relative to the ship, and the guy in the bulls nose had to bust caps at it hoping to detonate it.

Now the bastard in the bulls nose was usually a junior enlisted man. Somebody that was an E-3 or E-4 and had at least the basic weapons training. But since it was Super Bowl Sunday (Monday in our case) the really junior enlisted guys had to stand all of the worst watches.

So at 0200 on the morning of January 29, 1990 aboard the USS Sampson on station in the Persian Gulf, just two hours from watching the Super Bowl live for the first time in six years, the bastard in the bulls nose, some kid that had been in the fleet for about 15 minutes, thought he spotted a mine.

Instead of dealing with the situation calmly, he started busting caps. All hell broke loose. "General Quarters, General Quarters, all hands man their battle stations, this is not a drill."

Motherfucker!

I rush to my General Quarters station. I'm thinking damn, one of those old mines has floated into our path and the kid up in the bulls nose has panicked and we're going to hit this thing and we're all going to die.

Sure enough the kid had panicked, letting loose with a solid 10 rounds just blindly pouring led into the dark, cold waters of the Persian Gulf. As the ship was maneuvered about 5 degrees to the starboard (the right), others had rushed to the bridge and to the forward most part of the ship in an effort to locate the mine.

After about three minutes, POW! We hit something! Oh shit! We've hit this mine and we're going to be in deep shit now. Five seconds, 10 seconds, nothing. Oh shit! This thing has a delayed detonator. 15 seconds, 20 seconds, nothing. Wait a minute...what the fuck is going on?

Do you know what the kid shot?

A fucking whale.

He shot a whale and then we hit the thing. A whale isn't a small creature and you might think even a 4500 ton ship wouldn't be a match for the whale, but it still caused some damage below the ship's water line.

I actually kind of felt sorry for the kid because he really didn't have any business being up there. He probably hadn't been in the Navy more than six months and had been aboard for about one month. He wasn't the guy we needed up there that night but the older guys, those of us of higher rank, weren't about to be stuck up there or anywhere else for that matter on the day the Super Bowl was to be played.

As things turned out, we had to make steam for Bahrain to put in to port so we could affect repairs to the ship - and didn't get to see the Super Bowl either.

So that's my story of Super Bowl XXIV on January 28-29, 1990, aboard the USS Sampson (DDG-10) on station in the Persian Gulf.

A fucking whale."

---

Yeah, he didn't actually "watch" the game, but you tell him his story wasn't good enough.

Thanks to all our entrants, and thanks to Pepsi for the prize pack.

http://www.refresheverything.com/

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HHR's Penthouse Forum

"You wouldn't believe what happened to me on Super Bowl Sunday..."

Tell us your best Super Bowl watch party story and win our Pepsi Super Bowl Prize Pack.

While we would prefer fewer "When Scott Norwood missed that kick, it changed my life" stories and more "Dear HHR Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me, but . . ." stories, please try to keep things PG.

Most creative story (as chosen by the HHR staff) wins the following:

• 1 football
• 1 beverage pail
• 1 snack helmet
  
• 2 key chains
• 2 hats
• 2 t-shirts
• 5 Pepsi 24 pack coupons
• 5 Frito Lay coupons

Submit entry in comments or via email by this Friday.

Winners will be selected and announced over the weekend to assure the prize is received in time for the game.

First 2 runners up will receive an HHR Big Game t-shirt, courtesy of HHR, Yardbarker and 1-800-clothes.com.

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HHR's Ugly Blogger: Win $100 Gas Card

Are you ugly? Are you a blogger?

Then this contest is for you.

Times are tough. The housing market's shot. People worry about their financial well-being. War dominates the airwaves. Gas prices are through the roof.

Worst of all, we are bloggers - ugly social outcasts confined to our mother's basements posting our thoughts in between World of Warcraft sessions.

Why should only Hot Bloggers be recognized? They're just going to bitch and moan anyway.

We uglies are the lifeblood of the Interwebs.

It's time we show some pride in our grotesqueness.

If you think you are the ugliest blogger out there, we want to know.

Send us an email titled "Ugly Blogger" with your blog name, a photo and a 1 paragraph narrative on why you deserve the crown ("ugly" isn't always physical).

The winner, chosen by an esteemed panel of ten (confidential as of now to prevent tampering), will receive a $100 gas card compliments of HHR in hopes you'll get out of the house and away from the computer screen.

Entries are due August 1.