From the DC Bureau: DC Signs A Healthcare Bill

The town's been buzzing all day with the news that the greatest Washington National of all time is returning.

Besides being a former All-Star, the burly Cuban is also an M.D.

'It's 99.9 percent I'm not going to pitch no more' this season, [Livan] Hernandez said. 'I'm done, I think, so let's see what happens.

'I'll go to sleep and I'm going to make a decision tonight.'

His knee, drained on May 16, has been a nagging problem all year. The right-hander, who is 12-4 with a 3.44 earned run average, said it was not bothering him enough to affect his pitching and he wasn't told to have the knee worked on.

'It's not the doctors,' he said. 'It's me. I'm the doctor. I don't need it, but I'm going to' have an operation.

'I'll tell you when the season's over,' said Hernandez when pressed for an explanation. 'I'm mad.'

'I have no idea who he's mad at,' The Nationals' manager, Frank Robinson, said."

The DC Bureau tips its hat to the good doctor, and hopes his next prescription is an unlimited refill, for kicking ass.

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Assassin Avenue: The Pirates' Secret Revealed

As Pirate fans reel about the latest trade of the team's All-Star, HHR is proud to report it knows the secret to the Pirates' madness. The team is not the pathetic, bottom-feeder of MLB that it may appear to the untrained eye. In fact, the battling Buccos are in fact the only AAAA team in the World.

That's right, the Pirates are Quad-A. Their role is to elevate players from Triple - A and get them used to that major league curve ball and (on the road at least) major league crowds and fan bases.

Once a player appears poised to succeed in the MLB, Quad-A Pittsburgh ships them to the highest bidder in order to start training the future stars of next season.

HHR suggests that Pittsburgh fans, who take pride in their city's evolution from Steel Town to a technology leader and green city, should take equal pride in the unique role their baseball team plays in today's Major League.

-Posted by Assassin Avenue

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Have You Gotten Your BlogsWithBalls Tickets Yet?

Penile Enhancement

AP reports that the Mets add Putz to go along with their Rod.

If they bring back Don Aase they can really add some strength to their back-end.

Cubbie Chaser: Excuse Me?

Ryan Dempster can, and will, talk. This we know. This the media knows, and so Dempster has become everyone's favorite bottomless comment pit.


By now, Chicago Cubs fans should have developed a gag reaction to seeing Dempster's name next to quotation marks in the newspaper or online.

Dempster had another reason to talk this week, because he just re-upped with the team he helped run into the ground last postseason. Perhaps you remember him saying something in spring training about said team making a certain championship series? (Excuse me while I perform the necessary gagging.) And perhaps you remember him walking seven Dodgers in Game 1 of the NLDS....and giving up a grand slam? (Whoa. Think I just pulled a gag muscle.)

So talk Dempster did, to Paul Sullivan of the Chicago Tribune. The story ran Tuesday. Here's what he said, in recounting the 2008 playoff collapse:

"Maybe we underestimated how prepared you have to be, how ready you have to be, especially in a five-game series. It's like a short heavyweight bout. Ding, the bell is ringing, you've got to go. ...

"It almost felt like it was just going to be a given that we win Games 1 and 2 and move on and go from there. You still have to play the games. You have to put the uniform on, go out there and compete. If anything, we've learned that."

Given? GIVEN?!?! YOU PLAY FOR THE FREAKIN' CHICAGO CUBS! NOTHING IS A GIVEN!

And how long have you been playing baseball? You didn't know you have to be prepared for games? You didn't know you can't just run out on the field and win? Did you happen to witness ANY of what happened to your own team during late August/early September? YOU WEREN'T THAT FREAKIN' GOOD!

The Ryan Dempster weight loss plan: Read quotes; lose your last meal.

This is just the latest excuse offered up by Cub types for what happened in October, but it all boils down to what I've thought all along: These guys weren't mentally tough enough to deal with the pressure of the 100-year-and-counting championship drought. Heck, they weren't even mentally tough enough to participate in the playoffs. And ultimately, players' mental toughness will determine if this drought ends in our lifetimes.

Talking about this just lowers our life expectancy. Please, Demp, have mercy.

Dunbar: Tough Times For Henson?

What is there left to say about Drew Henson?

This week he was cut from his home team, which is the worst team in the NFL and destined for an 0-16 season. The team then gave the starting QB position to a retired, washed-up free agent half way into the season and whose other QBs, respectively, have a shattered thumb and cannot throw a spiral.

But what can we blame Henson for? Can we say that if he would have stayed at Michigan for his senior year he would be better than Tom Brady?

The NFL has proven that the most hyped QBs and players burn out as easily as an NBC primetime drama. Ryan Leaf, Tim Couch, Akili Smith, David Carr, the list only grows more and more each year.

There is no way of determining whether Henson would have been ER or My Own Worst Enemy.


Sure we can ogle the lives of others as the aforementioned Brady or Justin Timberlake, but what is not to envy of Henson's. Great stories surface of him at Michigan. Played minor league ball under a fat contract that set him for life while he chased tail across the country. Signed another contract to play in the NFL to pad the bank account. Can live wherever and do whatever he wants for the rest of his life by the age of 30 for playing two kids sports and tell his children he played in the majors and the NFL.

Michiganians love to hate on Henson, and we love to follow his every move. Americans are facinated by potential. However, maybe he knew better than us that the NFL would make him the next Andre Ware.

Henson made a business decision just like every sport team does to its players and although he is not Tom Brady, we'd rather be in his situation than writing about it.

Favre Wrangles His Way to NY

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been staying up nights wondering what was going to happen to Brett Favre. So imagine my surprise when I found out last night that Favre is going to channel his inner Vinny Testaverde to take over the QB reins of the Jets at the advanced football age of 38.

Without a doubt, this move improves the Jets passing game for the simple fact that downfield throws have been reinstalled into the weekly game plan. Whether it makes the Jets good enough to compete with the Patriots … well, no, it does not. The Jets are clearly still second fiddle in the AFC East.

Meanwhile, Chad Pennington got dumped on the street like last week’s trash. Of course, the internal anatomy of his right shoulder is trash, so there is some merit to the analogy.

That said, Pennington sacrificed a ton for the Jets: he played hurt, he underwent multiple surgeries to get back on the field, and played the good soldier role even as he and Kellen Clemens alternated turns being trampled by the oncoming Patriots pass rush. That still doesn’t qualify him as the best quarterback for the Jets, but as the eloquent poet Rick James used to sing, Pennington being waived is just a little cold blooded.



It’s been said that the NFL means “Not For Long”, but in this case, I suppose it could mean something else: “No F**king Loyalty”.

But who cares about Pennington? If anything can be gleaned from this disaster it’s that Favre doesn’t care who he runs over on his way to posting double-digit interception numbers this season.

For God’s sake, Brett had the “itch” to play ball! (Just on his terms and no one else’s.)

-Posted by Rev. Shaw Moore

Can We Laugh at Brett Favre Crying Like a Woman Now?

When Brett Favre tearfully announced his retirement following last season, it seemed we were one of the very few sports blogs at the time that found it downright amusing.

Further, we wondered how many bloggers had the audacity to call out Laura Ingram for putting him in his place and questioning his manhood, when they have no qualms poking fun of every little misstep athletes make.

So now we wonder.

Can we laugh now?

Can we make fun of St. Brett?

Can we offer a collecting blogger appology for calling Laura Ingram every dirty word in the book generally associated with the female anatomy? Maybe her words seemed off at the time, but doesn't a "real man's" word mean something? Isn't a real man a man of honesty, integrity and loyalty?

Anyway, just for fun, let's take a look at some of those terms of endearment bestowed upon Ingram in March (WARNING - POTTY MOUTHS):

Crazy 'Woman' Calls Brett Favre 'Woman': "... but it's worth pointing out that FOX News commentator/yapcunt Laura Ingraham laid into Brett Favre for his emotional display at the press conference during which he announced his retirement." (With Leather)

Favre Found to Be Female; Will Never Be Successful Sports Blogger Now: "In a shocking development, wingnut batshit yapcunt radio host Laura Ingraham has revealed to the world that once-revered Green Bay Packers quarterback is, in actuality, a woman..." (KSK)

FOX News Commentator Calls Brett Favre A Woman For Crying During Speech: "That's right guys, it's NOT okay to cry, and you WANT a woman like Laura Ingraham in your life! Seriously.....I can't even put the words together to say how irresponsible and downright stupid that message is." (Awful Announcing)

Brett Favre is a woman, says someone who is sort of like a woman: "Upon further review, however, I think the fact that Miss Ingraham works at FOX News disqualifies her from being a normal woman." (Shutdown Corner)

Here's what some FanHouse commentators said..

"laura is a whora" (nyranger26)

"Sadly, whoever steals Ann Coulter's crown for Queen of the Harpies gets all her book deals." (JCN)

"Someone should punch that self-righteous bitch in the face." (Ned Yost is Kenny Rogers)

"LAURA INGRAHAM IS A STUPID BITCH - I DIDNT KNOW THERE WAS A USELESS IDIOT WHO CALLS HERSELF A JOURNALIST. WHAT A TOTAL WASTE OTF TIME THIS SCUM IS. I AM SURE BRETT IS REALLY LOOSING SLEEP OVER THIS. SHE MUST HAVE NEVER SEEN IT WHEN STEVE YOUNG RETIRED - GO GET A JOB YOU MORON,." (sarlocks)

"lura you suck ya bitch.if you would stop and think how much BRETT FAVRE Loved football,more then any football player in history.but no.bitch you suck." (joseph matusick)

---

HHR would like to thank Laura for saying what needed to be said. Despite the backlash she received, at least she stick to her convictions, unlike some sniveling little self-righteous effeminate QB.

Only In Philadelphia

Would fans spend years belittling Pat Burrell for his perennial under-performance, only to scoff at the idea of trading him for a two-time World Series-winning, first ballot Hall of Famer and the greatest RBI producer of his generation when such rumors surface.

"No, seriously. I've ALWAYS loved Pat Burrell."
Photo: Finger Food

Phils-ville's Kevin Cooney adds " some things up on why this deal won’t happen."

Here's his justification and my rebuttal:

1) Ramirez is a locker room cancer. With the exception of the Jimmy Rollins episode, the Phils locker room seems pretty together.

Really? Seems like a fun-loving guy to me, aside from the whole punching out the traveling secretary thing.

But let's get serious. Charlie brought Manny up, and for all the Phils' skipper's shortcomings, he seems the perfect guy to keep Manny in check.

For the record, I believe you mean "Jimmy Rollins episodes."

2) Ramirez and Burrell’s numbers are eerily similar this season. Burrell’s probably a better defensive outfielder as well.

This season. Say no more.

The Phillies have been trying to unload Burrell for years with no success. If you can get rid of him, and suppose Manny doesn't work out, you acquire a greater bargaining chip and commodity in Ramirez. He either helps you himself or helps you acquire tallent.

3) Ramirez would likely want the Phils to pick up the $20 million option for next season- an event that probably won’t happen. Especially when Ryan Howard and Cole Hamels will likely get big awards in arbitration/new contracts over the winter.

And the Phils will likely underperform in the playoffs, if they in fact make them.

The move would electrify the city and make a frustrating Howard expendible.

If we are dealing in hypotheticals I'd ask, "What if Kevin Cooney had some real insight to offer readers?"

4) While the Phillies need a bat, they really need someone who can get on base- not just hit for power. If you take Burrell out and move Ramirez in, its the same beast.

Kevin Cooney just put Pat Burrell on the same level as Manny Ramirez.

Only in Philadelphia.

What a Melvin

You say Sabaythea. I say Sabathia. Let's call the whole thing off.

Oh, Doug. At the very least know the pronunciation of your prized acquisition.

Misleading Headline: Brewers Lock Up Head Case

"Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?"

Brewers lock up Braun through 2015 with $45 million deal

Breaking News From Our Friends at NatsPride

The Post and Times are reporting that the Nationals have released pitcher John Patterson.

Post: Breaking news: John Patterson released

Times: Breaking: Nationals release John Patterson

Credit: NationalsPride.com